Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 95
transgression. Mother in this case is not a ―nervous‖ type. She is cool, calm, and collected.
Father, on the other hand, ―can‘t control his temper.‖ As soon as Rhonda walks through the
door, he starts: ―You‘re uncaring. You‘re a hypocrite. How can you act like this toward us.
Your sister needs you and you waste your time obeying that goddamn tyrant.‖ Lisa‘s fear
mounts. ―The devil is in this household.‖ She hurries back to her shepherd, grateful for the
punishment he inflicts on her. Meanwhile, mother, realizing that father‘s emotion blew a
golden opportunity, loses her temper. Mother and father fight. Sandy gets depressed.
Rhonda continues to submit to her shepherd.
Such out-of-control parental anger and fear can cause much damage during all phases of
cult involvement. What can parents do? They can view emotional responses as learned
behavior, rather than mysterious, invasive forces. They can then try to modify their
characteristic emotional responses in the same way that other learned behaviors can be
modified. First, they can identify the types of situations in which disturbing emotions may
arise. This is easier said than done, for we are of ten much less aware of our emotions than
we think. How many times have we seen or been involved in this situation: Spouse A
grumbles. Spouse B says, ―What are you mad about?‖ Spouse A screams, ―I‘m not mad!‖
Spouse A, who is obviously angry, is either lying or unaware.
It is difficult to increase awareness of your emotional reactions simply through will power.
Generally, the awareness grows most readily through systematic practice. At first, it is
easier to try the retrospective approach. Keep a diary in which you can describe and analyze
emotional situations. What was the context? Your thoughts? Your feelings? Very often, there
is a one-to-one correspondence between thoughts and feelings: if you interpret a situation
as threatening (psychologically or physically), you will feel anxiety if you interpret an event
as a loss or as a defeat, you will feel sadness if you interpret an event as an assault on
your values, you will feel anger. Clearly, if your appraisal of a situation is incorrect (e.g.,
Lisa‘s mother), you will experience inappropriate and sometimes destructive emotions.
Hence, in writing your diary, keep asking the questions: ―Was my appraisal of the situation
correct? What alternative appraisals could I have considered?‖
As you become more aware of past emotion-inducing situations, you become better able to
predict future ones. You can then prepare for such situations by mentally rehearsing
alternate ways of dealing with them. If, for instance, you tend to ―catastrophize,‖ you may
repeatedly challenge the dire thoughts that are likely to enter your mind. If you usually
criticize your child‘s cult and thereby initiate a quarrel, you might mentally rehearse other
possible responses. You might make a list of other things you can talk about, so that you
and your child can have a pleasant visit.
Such anticipatory rehearsal can help you identify and practice constructive responses to
emotion-inducing situations. But often the real thing is a lot harder to master.
Consequently, you should use cues to Increase the likelihood of your remembering
constructive responses. Dieters, for example, will sometimes put a picture of a pig on their
refrigerator! That is a cue. Cultists‘ parents may prominently display a family picture to
remind them that their main concern is the family, not ―winning arguments.‖ Sometimes
spouses can act as cues for one another, agreeing beforehand on signals that will
communicate, ―shut up‖ or ―cool it‖ or what have you.
Gradually, through the use of systematic introspection, mental rehearsal of constructive
responses,, and cues you can modify disruptive emotional responses. If you are also
collecting valid information and communicating effectively with your child, you will be in a
much better position to help him .make an informed reevaluation of his cult involvement.
Overcominq communication barriers. Sometimes, even when parents have a rapport with
their child and possess good communication skills, communication is difficult because
circumstances or the cult interfere. If, for example, your child lives in a cult residence, he

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 96
may not be given messages. Or he may be kept so busy working that he never has ―time‖
for you. Or he may be indoctrinated to believe that you are ―of the devil‖ and should be
avoided. Sometimes, in fact, he may be sent away with no notice of where he has gone.
And in some groups, he may hear lurid stories about parents who had their child abducted
and deprogrammed.
In considering these barriers, it is important not to let your frustration and anger impair
your judgment., No matter how unfair the barrier may seem to you, it Is real, and it must
be dealt with. A ―cut-your-losses‖ attitude can often be helpful. Such an attitude
acknowledges the barrier‘s reality and induces you to focus on what you can do to diminish
harm, rather than set things right. In other words, don‘t lose your cool. Make the best of a
bad situation.
Treat the communication barrier as a problem to be solved, preferably, if possible, with the
participation of your child. Define clearly what the problem is, e.g., ―We leave messages and
don‘t hear from you for weeks.‖ Analyze the factors contributing to the problem, e.g.,
messages are not reliably taken, or, your child says he is so busy he forgets to call. Ask
your child what possible solutions he can think of. Then offer some of your own, e.g., you
call him at work, you buy a non-removable message pad and pencil for the residence
(which, if messages are purposely not given to him, will demonstrate this fact to him). By
problem-solving with your child, you not only increase the likelihood of coming up with a
solution, but you also increase the likelihood of his realizing, or not being able to rationalize,
the cult‘s interfering with your communications, should such interference occur.
Lastly, parents should try to appreciate their child‘s perspective, no matter how manipulated
he may seem to them. To him, his perceptions are true.
Very often, one of the most troublesome perceptions interfering with communication is the
fear of an involuntary deprogramming. As parents stereotype cults, cults stereotype
parents. Furthermore, especially in a destructive group, negative stereotyping of parents
and others in the ―outside world‖ magnifies group cohesiveness by generating a we-they
mentality.
Parents should try to ―respond,‖ not ―react‖ to this we-they mentality and the
deprogramming fears which It frequently engenders. Treat it as a communication barrier, a
problem to be solved. If parents have a reasonable level of rapport with their child, it rarely
hurts to ask bluntly, ―Are you seeing us less because you are afraid of deprogramming?‖ If
the child answers yes, you can tell him that you‘re not planning a deprogramming. If he
seems skeptical, ask him for suggestions on what you can do to reassure him. Perhaps you
can meet more often on ―neutral‖ ground, e.g., a restaurant. If you are thereby able to
overcome a fear of deprogramming, you will most likely improve your rapport with your
child and increase the likelihood that he will agree to hear the other side of the story by
speaking voluntarily with critics of the group. In other words, if you agree to assuage his
fears, he may later reciprocate by talking to a third party in order to assuage your fears
about his welfare.
Modeling
Thus far, I have discussed procedures for collecting information and building trust through
effective communicating. In attempting to accomplish these goals, you should keep in mind
that you are a model for your child. If in your communications with your child you show a
willingness to admit error, your child becomes more likely to own up to his mistakes and
misconceptions. In the communication process, you will also have an opportunity to model a
willingness to negotiate and compromise. In so doing, you are showing your capacity to
change, which will make it easier for your child to change. Very often, people expect ―the
other guy‖ to change first. This strategy may work if the other person does in fact change