Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 93
Communication
For parents whose child may be a victim of a cultic relationship, effective communication
demands four types of skills: (1) listening, (2) saying what one means (3) controlling
emotions, and (4) thinking of methods to overcome communication barriers.
Listening. Most people don‘t realize that listening is a still. They mistakenly believe that
listening merely means not interrupting, or hearing what another says. But effective
listening entails much more than that. It also involves understanding unspoken or garbled
messages, clarifying messages received from the other person, empathizing with the
emotional aura surrounding many messages, and helping the other person express himself
more accurately and completely. The message Intended often differs from the message
received.
Consider an example. A child comes home and enthusiastically tells his father that the
Divine Light Mission group he Is associating with is teaching him to hear divine music by
sticking his fingers in his ears. fits father may listen calmly to the story, refrain from
interrupting, and be able to repeat everything word for word. However, as soon as his son
finishes, father snaps, ―All you‘re hearing is the blood rushing through your ears!‖
Although the father‘s explanation may be correct, his listening skills need improvement. He
ignored the emotional aura surrounding his child‘s report. His son is excited about this
group. Perhaps he has been lonely and now feels accepted. Perhaps their talk of divine
music and other spiritual matters makes him feel special, or gives him a good excuse for
avoiding life challenges that are causing him difficulty. Moreover, the father‘s response
probably would elicit a defensive reaction in his child (―He‘s calling me stupid again!‖),
thereby closing off further communication rather than facilitating it.
The father should have put aside his scientific critique and concentrated on bringing out the
unarticulated thoughts and emotions that energized his son‘s brief lecture on divine music.
Father might merely have said, ―You seem pretty excited about this group.‖ Such a
statement would have communicated, ―I hear and respect the emotion that motivated you
to tell me about divine music. Tell me more.‖ At an appropriate time, father might have
added something like, ―Have you considered other explanations for your experience?‖
Through a kind of Socratic dialogue, father might then have helped his son realize that the
sound in his ears need not necessarily be divine music. If the group could be wrong about
that claim, it could be wrong about others.
By expressing a nonthreatening interest, father could have created an opportunity to collect
information about the group and his son‘s relationship to It, as well as to offer opinions that,
coming in a respectful context, would be more likely to be greeted with openness and
respect. This is not manipulative. It is, instead, what good listening is all about. A good
listener doesn‘t leap to conclusions. He listens much more than he lectures.
Saying what one means. Parents should not only strive to understand what their child is
trying to communicate (implicitly and explicitly) they should also endeavor to ensure that
their child understands what they are trying to communicate. They should not assume that
because they have spoken, their child has understood.
Parents may not clearly express their intended meaning. In the example cited above, father
may intend to draw out his son‘s feelings and explore the emotional aura the son‘s
statement. If, however, father says ―Why do you like this group so much?‖ instead of, ―You
seem pretty excited about this group,‖ he may fail to achieve his objective, because his son
may mistakenly infer that the ―why‖ question really means, ―How the hell can a supposedly
intelligent person like such a weird group?‖ The message intended is not the message
received.
Communication
For parents whose child may be a victim of a cultic relationship, effective communication
demands four types of skills: (1) listening, (2) saying what one means (3) controlling
emotions, and (4) thinking of methods to overcome communication barriers.
Listening. Most people don‘t realize that listening is a still. They mistakenly believe that
listening merely means not interrupting, or hearing what another says. But effective
listening entails much more than that. It also involves understanding unspoken or garbled
messages, clarifying messages received from the other person, empathizing with the
emotional aura surrounding many messages, and helping the other person express himself
more accurately and completely. The message Intended often differs from the message
received.
Consider an example. A child comes home and enthusiastically tells his father that the
Divine Light Mission group he Is associating with is teaching him to hear divine music by
sticking his fingers in his ears. fits father may listen calmly to the story, refrain from
interrupting, and be able to repeat everything word for word. However, as soon as his son
finishes, father snaps, ―All you‘re hearing is the blood rushing through your ears!‖
Although the father‘s explanation may be correct, his listening skills need improvement. He
ignored the emotional aura surrounding his child‘s report. His son is excited about this
group. Perhaps he has been lonely and now feels accepted. Perhaps their talk of divine
music and other spiritual matters makes him feel special, or gives him a good excuse for
avoiding life challenges that are causing him difficulty. Moreover, the father‘s response
probably would elicit a defensive reaction in his child (―He‘s calling me stupid again!‖),
thereby closing off further communication rather than facilitating it.
The father should have put aside his scientific critique and concentrated on bringing out the
unarticulated thoughts and emotions that energized his son‘s brief lecture on divine music.
Father might merely have said, ―You seem pretty excited about this group.‖ Such a
statement would have communicated, ―I hear and respect the emotion that motivated you
to tell me about divine music. Tell me more.‖ At an appropriate time, father might have
added something like, ―Have you considered other explanations for your experience?‖
Through a kind of Socratic dialogue, father might then have helped his son realize that the
sound in his ears need not necessarily be divine music. If the group could be wrong about
that claim, it could be wrong about others.
By expressing a nonthreatening interest, father could have created an opportunity to collect
information about the group and his son‘s relationship to It, as well as to offer opinions that,
coming in a respectful context, would be more likely to be greeted with openness and
respect. This is not manipulative. It is, instead, what good listening is all about. A good
listener doesn‘t leap to conclusions. He listens much more than he lectures.
Saying what one means. Parents should not only strive to understand what their child is
trying to communicate (implicitly and explicitly) they should also endeavor to ensure that
their child understands what they are trying to communicate. They should not assume that
because they have spoken, their child has understood.
Parents may not clearly express their intended meaning. In the example cited above, father
may intend to draw out his son‘s feelings and explore the emotional aura the son‘s
statement. If, however, father says ―Why do you like this group so much?‖ instead of, ―You
seem pretty excited about this group,‖ he may fail to achieve his objective, because his son
may mistakenly infer that the ―why‖ question really means, ―How the hell can a supposedly
intelligent person like such a weird group?‖ The message intended is not the message
received.
