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Parents may also obscure their intended message with tangential issues, which can
sometimes be destructive to the communication process. Father, for example, might say,
―You seem pretty excited about that group, just like Jeff (older brother) when he joined the
fraternity.‖ Jeff‘s having joined a fraternity is irrelevant to drawing out the son‘s feelings. It
may, in fact, be destructive, e.g., because the DLM son thinks that joining a fraternity is
dumb and resents his father‘s comparison.
Parents may neutralize their intended message by nonverbally communicating a message
that contradicts the verbal message. Thus, father may say, ―You seem pretty excited about
that group,‖ while he taps his fingers on the table, a signal which the entire family
interprets as, ―I‘m angry.‖ The DLM son may interpret these contradictory messages as
saying, ―I challenge you to justify your excitement about that group.‖ The son may then
prepare to do battle, rather than communicate.
Obviously, these illustrations are simplified. Communicating effectively is much more
difficult than most people realize. Therefore, parents experiencing conflict with a child
should be open to studying the communication process, either by reading or by getting
professional help, e.g., participation in communication workshops and/or family counseling.
Controlling emotions. It is a truism that life would riot be worth living without emotion. But
sometimes emotion can get in the way, especially in conflict situations.
Lisa has been attending weekly meetings of a group that worships an Indian guru. Her
mother reads a magazine article about cult leader, Baghwan Sri Rajneesh, an Indian guru
who advocates free love. Knowing nothing about Indian gurus, mother assumes that a guru
is a guru is a guru.
Images of a promiscuous, pregnant daughter begin to dance about in her mind.
Her heart palpitates, her hands shake, ―Oh my god! Lisa‘s in a cult!‖
Mother spends the afternoon worrying about Lisa, imagining all kinds of catastrophic
scenarios. Lisa comes home for supper, mentally exhausted by a difficult organic chemistry
exam in the pre-med program in which she is enrolled. Unknown to mother, Lisa hasn‘t
thought about the guru (who advocates chastity) for days, doesn‘t find him appealing, and
is even losing interest in the fellow who brought her to the meetings in the first place. Lisa
is more concerned about getting into medical school. Mother, who has always been a
―nervous‖ type, mows down Lisa with a volley of accusations and demands that she stop
attending the meetings.
Now, let‘s assume that Lisa is not easily ruffled, sincerely loves her mother, and has good
insight into the communication process. Lisa may sigh, think to herself, ―What in the world
has gotten into mother now?‖ and, in an attempt to understand mother‘s garbled message,
say, ―Mom, tell me what‘s upsetting you.‖ Thanks to Lisa‘s patience and understanding,
mom, after letting it all out, comes to realize that Lisa is in no danger. False alarm, no great
harm done.
Now suppose that Lisa is insecure and resentful about having to live at home. Her reaction
to mother‘s barrage would probably be much different. A fight would erupt. Lisa would tell
mother not to try to run her life. Mother would interpret Lisa‘s emotionalism and irrationality
as a sure sign that she is in a cult and brainwashed. Mother‘s fear and Lisa‘s resentment
would grow. False alarm, much harm done.
Consider another example. Rhonda belongs to an obscure shepherding group that is clearly
a destructive cult. Her shepherd took all her money and ordered her to drop out of school,
cut off communications with her friends, and not see her parents. Through an acquaintance,
she receives news that her younger sister, Sandy, has Hodgkins disease. Rhonda disobeys
her shepherd and comes home to visit, terrified that God will punish her for this

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 95
transgression. Mother in this case is not a ―nervous‖ type. She is cool, calm, and collected.
Father, on the other hand, ―can‘t control his temper.‖ As soon as Rhonda walks through the
door, he starts: ―You‘re uncaring. You‘re a hypocrite. How can you act like this toward us.
Your sister needs you and you waste your time obeying that goddamn tyrant.‖ Lisa‘s fear
mounts. ―The devil is in this household.‖ She hurries back to her shepherd, grateful for the
punishment he inflicts on her. Meanwhile, mother, realizing that father‘s emotion blew a
golden opportunity, loses her temper. Mother and father fight. Sandy gets depressed.
Rhonda continues to submit to her shepherd.
Such out-of-control parental anger and fear can cause much damage during all phases of
cult involvement. What can parents do? They can view emotional responses as learned
behavior, rather than mysterious, invasive forces. They can then try to modify their
characteristic emotional responses in the same way that other learned behaviors can be
modified. First, they can identify the types of situations in which disturbing emotions may
arise. This is easier said than done, for we are of ten much less aware of our emotions than
we think. How many times have we seen or been involved in this situation: Spouse A
grumbles. Spouse B says, ―What are you mad about?‖ Spouse A screams, ―I‘m not mad!‖
Spouse A, who is obviously angry, is either lying or unaware.
It is difficult to increase awareness of your emotional reactions simply through will power.
Generally, the awareness grows most readily through systematic practice. At first, it is
easier to try the retrospective approach. Keep a diary in which you can describe and analyze
emotional situations. What was the context? Your thoughts? Your feelings? Very often, there
is a one-to-one correspondence between thoughts and feelings: if you interpret a situation
as threatening (psychologically or physically), you will feel anxiety if you interpret an event
as a loss or as a defeat, you will feel sadness if you interpret an event as an assault on
your values, you will feel anger. Clearly, if your appraisal of a situation is incorrect (e.g.,
Lisa‘s mother), you will experience inappropriate and sometimes destructive emotions.
Hence, in writing your diary, keep asking the questions: ―Was my appraisal of the situation
correct? What alternative appraisals could I have considered?‖
As you become more aware of past emotion-inducing situations, you become better able to
predict future ones. You can then prepare for such situations by mentally rehearsing
alternate ways of dealing with them. If, for instance, you tend to ―catastrophize,‖ you may
repeatedly challenge the dire thoughts that are likely to enter your mind. If you usually
criticize your child‘s cult and thereby initiate a quarrel, you might mentally rehearse other
possible responses. You might make a list of other things you can talk about, so that you
and your child can have a pleasant visit.
Such anticipatory rehearsal can help you identify and practice constructive responses to
emotion-inducing situations. But often the real thing is a lot harder to master.
Consequently, you should use cues to Increase the likelihood of your remembering
constructive responses. Dieters, for example, will sometimes put a picture of a pig on their
refrigerator! That is a cue. Cultists‘ parents may prominently display a family picture to
remind them that their main concern is the family, not ―winning arguments.‖ Sometimes
spouses can act as cues for one another, agreeing beforehand on signals that will
communicate, ―shut up‖ or ―cool it‖ or what have you.
Gradually, through the use of systematic introspection, mental rehearsal of constructive
responses,, and cues you can modify disruptive emotional responses. If you are also
collecting valid information and communicating effectively with your child, you will be in a
much better position to help him .make an informed reevaluation of his cult involvement.
Overcominq communication barriers. Sometimes, even when parents have a rapport with
their child and possess good communication skills, communication is difficult because
circumstances or the cult interfere. If, for example, your child lives in a cult residence, he