Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 94
Parents may also obscure their intended message with tangential issues, which can
sometimes be destructive to the communication process. Father, for example, might say,
―You seem pretty excited about that group, just like Jeff (older brother) when he joined the
fraternity.‖ Jeff‘s having joined a fraternity is irrelevant to drawing out the son‘s feelings. It
may, in fact, be destructive, e.g., because the DLM son thinks that joining a fraternity is
dumb and resents his father‘s comparison.
Parents may neutralize their intended message by nonverbally communicating a message
that contradicts the verbal message. Thus, father may say, ―You seem pretty excited about
that group,‖ while he taps his fingers on the table, a signal which the entire family
interprets as, ―I‘m angry.‖ The DLM son may interpret these contradictory messages as
saying, ―I challenge you to justify your excitement about that group.‖ The son may then
prepare to do battle, rather than communicate.
Obviously, these illustrations are simplified. Communicating effectively is much more
difficult than most people realize. Therefore, parents experiencing conflict with a child
should be open to studying the communication process, either by reading or by getting
professional help, e.g., participation in communication workshops and/or family counseling.
Controlling emotions. It is a truism that life would riot be worth living without emotion. But
sometimes emotion can get in the way, especially in conflict situations.
Lisa has been attending weekly meetings of a group that worships an Indian guru. Her
mother reads a magazine article about cult leader, Baghwan Sri Rajneesh, an Indian guru
who advocates free love. Knowing nothing about Indian gurus, mother assumes that a guru
is a guru is a guru.
Images of a promiscuous, pregnant daughter begin to dance about in her mind.
Her heart palpitates, her hands shake, ―Oh my god! Lisa‘s in a cult!‖
Mother spends the afternoon worrying about Lisa, imagining all kinds of catastrophic
scenarios. Lisa comes home for supper, mentally exhausted by a difficult organic chemistry
exam in the pre-med program in which she is enrolled. Unknown to mother, Lisa hasn‘t
thought about the guru (who advocates chastity) for days, doesn‘t find him appealing, and
is even losing interest in the fellow who brought her to the meetings in the first place. Lisa
is more concerned about getting into medical school. Mother, who has always been a
―nervous‖ type, mows down Lisa with a volley of accusations and demands that she stop
attending the meetings.
Now, let‘s assume that Lisa is not easily ruffled, sincerely loves her mother, and has good
insight into the communication process. Lisa may sigh, think to herself, ―What in the world
has gotten into mother now?‖ and, in an attempt to understand mother‘s garbled message,
say, ―Mom, tell me what‘s upsetting you.‖ Thanks to Lisa‘s patience and understanding,
mom, after letting it all out, comes to realize that Lisa is in no danger. False alarm, no great
harm done.
Now suppose that Lisa is insecure and resentful about having to live at home. Her reaction
to mother‘s barrage would probably be much different. A fight would erupt. Lisa would tell
mother not to try to run her life. Mother would interpret Lisa‘s emotionalism and irrationality
as a sure sign that she is in a cult and brainwashed. Mother‘s fear and Lisa‘s resentment
would grow. False alarm, much harm done.
Consider another example. Rhonda belongs to an obscure shepherding group that is clearly
a destructive cult. Her shepherd took all her money and ordered her to drop out of school,
cut off communications with her friends, and not see her parents. Through an acquaintance,
she receives news that her younger sister, Sandy, has Hodgkins disease. Rhonda disobeys
her shepherd and comes home to visit, terrified that God will punish her for this
Parents may also obscure their intended message with tangential issues, which can
sometimes be destructive to the communication process. Father, for example, might say,
―You seem pretty excited about that group, just like Jeff (older brother) when he joined the
fraternity.‖ Jeff‘s having joined a fraternity is irrelevant to drawing out the son‘s feelings. It
may, in fact, be destructive, e.g., because the DLM son thinks that joining a fraternity is
dumb and resents his father‘s comparison.
Parents may neutralize their intended message by nonverbally communicating a message
that contradicts the verbal message. Thus, father may say, ―You seem pretty excited about
that group,‖ while he taps his fingers on the table, a signal which the entire family
interprets as, ―I‘m angry.‖ The DLM son may interpret these contradictory messages as
saying, ―I challenge you to justify your excitement about that group.‖ The son may then
prepare to do battle, rather than communicate.
Obviously, these illustrations are simplified. Communicating effectively is much more
difficult than most people realize. Therefore, parents experiencing conflict with a child
should be open to studying the communication process, either by reading or by getting
professional help, e.g., participation in communication workshops and/or family counseling.
Controlling emotions. It is a truism that life would riot be worth living without emotion. But
sometimes emotion can get in the way, especially in conflict situations.
Lisa has been attending weekly meetings of a group that worships an Indian guru. Her
mother reads a magazine article about cult leader, Baghwan Sri Rajneesh, an Indian guru
who advocates free love. Knowing nothing about Indian gurus, mother assumes that a guru
is a guru is a guru.
Images of a promiscuous, pregnant daughter begin to dance about in her mind.
Her heart palpitates, her hands shake, ―Oh my god! Lisa‘s in a cult!‖
Mother spends the afternoon worrying about Lisa, imagining all kinds of catastrophic
scenarios. Lisa comes home for supper, mentally exhausted by a difficult organic chemistry
exam in the pre-med program in which she is enrolled. Unknown to mother, Lisa hasn‘t
thought about the guru (who advocates chastity) for days, doesn‘t find him appealing, and
is even losing interest in the fellow who brought her to the meetings in the first place. Lisa
is more concerned about getting into medical school. Mother, who has always been a
―nervous‖ type, mows down Lisa with a volley of accusations and demands that she stop
attending the meetings.
Now, let‘s assume that Lisa is not easily ruffled, sincerely loves her mother, and has good
insight into the communication process. Lisa may sigh, think to herself, ―What in the world
has gotten into mother now?‖ and, in an attempt to understand mother‘s garbled message,
say, ―Mom, tell me what‘s upsetting you.‖ Thanks to Lisa‘s patience and understanding,
mom, after letting it all out, comes to realize that Lisa is in no danger. False alarm, no great
harm done.
Now suppose that Lisa is insecure and resentful about having to live at home. Her reaction
to mother‘s barrage would probably be much different. A fight would erupt. Lisa would tell
mother not to try to run her life. Mother would interpret Lisa‘s emotionalism and irrationality
as a sure sign that she is in a cult and brainwashed. Mother‘s fear and Lisa‘s resentment
would grow. False alarm, much harm done.
Consider another example. Rhonda belongs to an obscure shepherding group that is clearly
a destructive cult. Her shepherd took all her money and ordered her to drop out of school,
cut off communications with her friends, and not see her parents. Through an acquaintance,
she receives news that her younger sister, Sandy, has Hodgkins disease. Rhonda disobeys
her shepherd and comes home to visit, terrified that God will punish her for this
