Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 92
sure that a caretaker mode of relating is called for before resorting to manipulative methods
aimed at fulfilling goals and needs of their child.
Promoting Voluntary Reevaluation
Collecting Information
Some workers in this field use the terms ―voluntary deprogramming‖ or ―exit counseling‖ to
describe the helping process I describe. I prefer the term ―reevaluation counseling!‘ because
it is not ―loaded,‖ as are the other two. Parents or helping professionals who want to
Initiate a process of voluntary deprogramming or exit counseling assume, in the first case,
that the cultist is ―programmed‖ or, in the second case, that he should necessarily ―exit‖
from the cult. Sometimes these assumptions may be warranted, e.g., when the person is
obviously troubled because of practices in a group known to be destructive. But frequently
this is not the case. More and more individuals caught up in cultic relationships belong to
lesser known groups or to groups that are not clearly destructive, at least not to all
members. Furthermore, the high level of negative news coverage concerning cults inclines
some parents to deem a group destructive simply because it appears unorthodox.
Therefore, I believe one more easily maintains his ethical bearings if he remains open to the
possibility that the individual in question may not be a victim of a cultic relationship.
Assuming plausible reasons for concern about one‘s child, a parent‘s goal should be to help
the child make a voluntary, informed reevaluation of his group involvement, i.e., to find out
whether the concern is warranted and whether the child in question shares that concern
after coming to understand it. Consequently, obtaining valid information is a critical aspect
of any attempt to help a convert voluntarily reevaluate his involvement in a possibly cultic
group.
Parents have six primary sources of information to help them determine whether or not
their child is the victim of a cultic relationship and to understand the nature of that
relationship. (1) readings, including publications of the group in question, as well as articles
and books written about the group (2) cult-watcher organizations and individuals, e.g., the
Citizens Freedom Foundation, and professionals knowledgeable about cults (3) ex-
members of the group in question (4) current members of the group in question (5) their
own observations of the group and their child and (6) their child.
Parents should consider and evaluate information from all of these sources. Each has Its
strong and weak points. Although publications produced by the group in question may be
self-serving, they may, nonetheless, help parents better understand what their child
believes and may prepare them to discuss those beliefs at the appropriate time. Outside
written analyses of the group can be very valuable if they are not biased or sensational.
Cult-watcher organizations and individuals sometimes have information that has not made
its way into the public arena, although they do have a tendency to collect mainly critical
information and, therefore, may not present a rounded picture of the group in question. Ex-
members, not all of whom are categorically critical of their groups, frequently have a
uniquely valuable understanding of the group. Conversations with current members can be
useful, not only because of the information they provide, but also because talking with them
gives parents an opportunity to study the group‘s communication methods and other
practices. These kinds of parental observations should be supplemented by analysis of their
child‘s behavior, especially behavior that seems out of character. And lastly, parents
should never underestimate the value of information that their own child can provide.
Unfortunately, once parents do become concerned, their emotions often get in the way of
communicating with their child or taking advantage of other information sources. For this
reason, learning how to communicate effectively and to deal with emotions are the first
challenges most cultists‘ parents confront.

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 2 No. 1 1985, Page 93
Communication
For parents whose child may be a victim of a cultic relationship, effective communication
demands four types of skills: (1) listening, (2) saying what one means (3) controlling
emotions, and (4) thinking of methods to overcome communication barriers.
Listening. Most people don‘t realize that listening is a still. They mistakenly believe that
listening merely means not interrupting, or hearing what another says. But effective
listening entails much more than that. It also involves understanding unspoken or garbled
messages, clarifying messages received from the other person, empathizing with the
emotional aura surrounding many messages, and helping the other person express himself
more accurately and completely. The message Intended often differs from the message
received.
Consider an example. A child comes home and enthusiastically tells his father that the
Divine Light Mission group he Is associating with is teaching him to hear divine music by
sticking his fingers in his ears. fits father may listen calmly to the story, refrain from
interrupting, and be able to repeat everything word for word. However, as soon as his son
finishes, father snaps, ―All you‘re hearing is the blood rushing through your ears!‖
Although the father‘s explanation may be correct, his listening skills need improvement. He
ignored the emotional aura surrounding his child‘s report. His son is excited about this
group. Perhaps he has been lonely and now feels accepted. Perhaps their talk of divine
music and other spiritual matters makes him feel special, or gives him a good excuse for
avoiding life challenges that are causing him difficulty. Moreover, the father‘s response
probably would elicit a defensive reaction in his child (―He‘s calling me stupid again!‖),
thereby closing off further communication rather than facilitating it.
The father should have put aside his scientific critique and concentrated on bringing out the
unarticulated thoughts and emotions that energized his son‘s brief lecture on divine music.
Father might merely have said, ―You seem pretty excited about this group.‖ Such a
statement would have communicated, ―I hear and respect the emotion that motivated you
to tell me about divine music. Tell me more.‖ At an appropriate time, father might have
added something like, ―Have you considered other explanations for your experience?‖
Through a kind of Socratic dialogue, father might then have helped his son realize that the
sound in his ears need not necessarily be divine music. If the group could be wrong about
that claim, it could be wrong about others.
By expressing a nonthreatening interest, father could have created an opportunity to collect
information about the group and his son‘s relationship to It, as well as to offer opinions that,
coming in a respectful context, would be more likely to be greeted with openness and
respect. This is not manipulative. It is, instead, what good listening is all about. A good
listener doesn‘t leap to conclusions. He listens much more than he lectures.
Saying what one means. Parents should not only strive to understand what their child is
trying to communicate (implicitly and explicitly) they should also endeavor to ensure that
their child understands what they are trying to communicate. They should not assume that
because they have spoken, their child has understood.
Parents may not clearly express their intended meaning. In the example cited above, father
may intend to draw out his son‘s feelings and explore the emotional aura the son‘s
statement. If, however, father says ―Why do you like this group so much?‖ instead of, ―You
seem pretty excited about this group,‖ he may fail to achieve his objective, because his son
may mistakenly infer that the ―why‖ question really means, ―How the hell can a supposedly
intelligent person like such a weird group?‖ The message intended is not the message
received.