Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 9, No. 1, 2010, Page 90
as a damaged human being.
The others are angry with me they believe I have polluted them that the difficulties we
suffer are because I joined, I am toxic. He told them so.
I must be punished for going wrong, they hit me for my negativity, they take my body
because it belongs to them—I deserve to be used because I am toxic.
I am toxic.
They are being kind to me, they are allowing me to live when I do not deserve to live, I am indebted to them.
I am in a whirlpool
going down,
going down,
going down
I am a little dot,
deep within
I do not deserve to live
The little dot is a faint heart beat—me—I wonder if the door is still there. I creep back,
afraid to look, they may find me—
but the room is black
I cannot find the door
I run my hand around the walls, there is an indent that could be a door. I remember the
handle that let me in, colourful, beautiful, and feel for one the other side.
There is no handle
I cannot get out…………
They find me searching and hit me hard, I am hauled in front of the whole group and the perfect man
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am deeply, deeply sorry
for betraying the group, for trying to leave when I need them to clean me up, to make me
pure—again