Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 9, No. 1, 2010, Page 115
Being labeled ―on source‖ or a particular case level occurs through the leadership-follower
dominion, within which labels and identities are everything. Until I reached the mid-level
―state of Clear,‖ I was labeled a ―pre-Clear.‖ These labels are extremely significant, a
billboard for one‘s spiritual abilities and identity. More was expected from people labeled at
a high case state in the advanced spiritual levels at the top end of the bridge. This naming
system deeply affected my view of myself and self-identity in the group, and especially
reflected on my creative abilities. I always questioned this because I had demonstrated a
high level of creative ability prior to Scientology. I discounted my doubts about this labeling,
assuming that I would become even more creative as I moved up the levels. I recall
conversations with advanced Scientologists who said, ―I created the universe, so I better
learn to live within it,‖ or, ―I created time it‘s just a consideration time is not real.‖ I never
believed that I had ―created myself‖ before the beginning of time, as Hubbard taught. I
discounted my doubts about Scientology by thinking I needed to get to the top of
Scientology‘s bridge to discover the ―truth‖ about myself, hiding those doubts so I would not
be perceived as ―off source.‖ This lack of freedom to express myself honestly underlined my
query: Who is in control of the creator/creative process—the individual, or Hubbard and the
leaders? Knowing I couldn‘t discuss my doubts openly, for fear of repercussions, I buried
them. The process of discounting my skepticism and hiding my doubts planted a seed, or
birthed what I would later discover as my sCS.
Despite my doubts, I made the decision to dedicate my life‘s work to Scientology and joined
the Sea Organization—the ―elite‖ management of Scientology organizations worldwide. I
signed a billion-year contract, pledging this and future lifetimes to ―clearing the planet.‖ In
1986, we gave up our home near the Hollywood Hills and moved into the Chateau Elysee,
which houses CCI to this day. Once I was a Sea Org member, my choices were no longer
my own.
I resisted being sent away for full-time executive training because I didn‘t want to become
an executive slave to senior leadership. I wanted to be involved in creative roles, doing
what I did best. But a Sea Org member must support ―command intention‖ unconditionally,
and denounce self to achieve Sea Org goals. I became Commanding Officer of the Celebrity
Centre Network, responsible for the recruitment and growth of Scientology celebrities in
Hollywood, London, Paris, New York, Nashville—ten centers overall. I experienced extreme
duress to recruit new celebrities into Scientology, under threat of assignment to the
Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF), CSI‘s version of a prison camp, if I failed.
My husband left his career as a musician and composer in 1989 to join the Sea Org with
me, but to work at Golden Era Productions (Gold), the CSI International Management desert
base near Palm Springs, headed by Scientology‘s leader, David Miscavige. To be with Peter,
I was then moved out of CCI up to Gold. There I lost the identity that was closest to who I
really was, an artist at CCI. I dissolved into the 800 minions who worked for Miscavige.
My nine years at Gold took form in three identities, all determined by my new labels. We
were called not by our names but by our post titles: My first identity was as a Cinema
Division crew member. I was named Cinema Researcher, and my responsibilities were to
provide research for designing sets, props, and costumes for training films. Once the
leadership realized that I could design clothing, I was named Costume Designer. The
Cinema Division worked as slave labor to produce films and was subject to Miscavige‘s
frequent creative criticisms, verbal abuse, and discipline through deprivation of sleep,
balanced meals, income, and other rights. During a six-week period of discipline while the
Cinema Division was hijacked from post to do hard labor 24/7 constructing a new mess hall
for the Gold base, I broke from the sleep deprivation. I walked myself off the project to
―ISO‖ (isolation) with a fever and flu-like symptoms. An angry senior executive caught wind
of my illness and sent a security guard to haul me back to work at 11:00 P.M. While
stumbling down the dark path from ISO back to the project, I began to black out and saw
Being labeled ―on source‖ or a particular case level occurs through the leadership-follower
dominion, within which labels and identities are everything. Until I reached the mid-level
―state of Clear,‖ I was labeled a ―pre-Clear.‖ These labels are extremely significant, a
billboard for one‘s spiritual abilities and identity. More was expected from people labeled at
a high case state in the advanced spiritual levels at the top end of the bridge. This naming
system deeply affected my view of myself and self-identity in the group, and especially
reflected on my creative abilities. I always questioned this because I had demonstrated a
high level of creative ability prior to Scientology. I discounted my doubts about this labeling,
assuming that I would become even more creative as I moved up the levels. I recall
conversations with advanced Scientologists who said, ―I created the universe, so I better
learn to live within it,‖ or, ―I created time it‘s just a consideration time is not real.‖ I never
believed that I had ―created myself‖ before the beginning of time, as Hubbard taught. I
discounted my doubts about Scientology by thinking I needed to get to the top of
Scientology‘s bridge to discover the ―truth‖ about myself, hiding those doubts so I would not
be perceived as ―off source.‖ This lack of freedom to express myself honestly underlined my
query: Who is in control of the creator/creative process—the individual, or Hubbard and the
leaders? Knowing I couldn‘t discuss my doubts openly, for fear of repercussions, I buried
them. The process of discounting my skepticism and hiding my doubts planted a seed, or
birthed what I would later discover as my sCS.
Despite my doubts, I made the decision to dedicate my life‘s work to Scientology and joined
the Sea Organization—the ―elite‖ management of Scientology organizations worldwide. I
signed a billion-year contract, pledging this and future lifetimes to ―clearing the planet.‖ In
1986, we gave up our home near the Hollywood Hills and moved into the Chateau Elysee,
which houses CCI to this day. Once I was a Sea Org member, my choices were no longer
my own.
I resisted being sent away for full-time executive training because I didn‘t want to become
an executive slave to senior leadership. I wanted to be involved in creative roles, doing
what I did best. But a Sea Org member must support ―command intention‖ unconditionally,
and denounce self to achieve Sea Org goals. I became Commanding Officer of the Celebrity
Centre Network, responsible for the recruitment and growth of Scientology celebrities in
Hollywood, London, Paris, New York, Nashville—ten centers overall. I experienced extreme
duress to recruit new celebrities into Scientology, under threat of assignment to the
Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF), CSI‘s version of a prison camp, if I failed.
My husband left his career as a musician and composer in 1989 to join the Sea Org with
me, but to work at Golden Era Productions (Gold), the CSI International Management desert
base near Palm Springs, headed by Scientology‘s leader, David Miscavige. To be with Peter,
I was then moved out of CCI up to Gold. There I lost the identity that was closest to who I
really was, an artist at CCI. I dissolved into the 800 minions who worked for Miscavige.
My nine years at Gold took form in three identities, all determined by my new labels. We
were called not by our names but by our post titles: My first identity was as a Cinema
Division crew member. I was named Cinema Researcher, and my responsibilities were to
provide research for designing sets, props, and costumes for training films. Once the
leadership realized that I could design clothing, I was named Costume Designer. The
Cinema Division worked as slave labor to produce films and was subject to Miscavige‘s
frequent creative criticisms, verbal abuse, and discipline through deprivation of sleep,
balanced meals, income, and other rights. During a six-week period of discipline while the
Cinema Division was hijacked from post to do hard labor 24/7 constructing a new mess hall
for the Gold base, I broke from the sleep deprivation. I walked myself off the project to
―ISO‖ (isolation) with a fever and flu-like symptoms. An angry senior executive caught wind
of my illness and sent a security guard to haul me back to work at 11:00 P.M. While
stumbling down the dark path from ISO back to the project, I began to black out and saw
