Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 9, No. 1, 2010, Page 116
spots before my eyes. I wondered if I was cracking up when the ground seemed to sink
beneath my feet. I recovered within moments, although I was severely disoriented.
Leadership employed other types of discipline. We were usually deprived of any time off,
and we were frequently deprived of ―enhancement‖ time (studying in the classrooms, or
getting auditing/counseling), which was my sole reason for being a Scientologist.
Prior to my involvement with Scientology, my creativity as a designer had always stemmed
from a high interchange of ideas from various stimuli such as TV, movies, books and
magazines, and conversations with other artists. At Gold, I resented the suppressive
restrictions of my creative intake and freedom of speech. All of our communications were
controlled or censored: Owning or watching TV was forbidden, as was possessing a
telephone in our room or having a cell phone. Security read our mail before and if it was
delivered to us. We could not own a personal computer, or ever log on to anyone else‘s
computer off base, at the threat of RPF assignment. Our office computers had no Internet
access without permission of Security. We could not receive phone calls from family or
friends without a security guard listening on an extension, and the call was followed by
interrogation about its content. We lived under 24/7 security watch and couldn‘t leave the
base without permission. Couples had to live with another couple, with little privacy intact.
With completely suppressed freedom of mobility and communication, I tried to persuade my
husband to leave in 1990, but he refused. I left alone, and was coerced into coming back,
but I only agreed in order to keep our marriage together. I was sent to the RPF, labeled an
out-ethics treasonous individual and assigned to hard labor, humiliation, isolation, and
mental duress. After six months, I came back to post as if ―rehabilitated.‖ However, during
the RPF, I discovered and fortified my sCS, that part of me I considered to be my core, from
which free-thinking and creative expressions emanated, and which could survive while I also
functioned as a Sea Org member who could endure invalidation of my creative abilities and
tolerate attempts by others to suppress most things about me. My sCS was a highly
expressive and idealistic woman who knew she had talent and potential despite suppression
from leadership. Group conditions at Gold got worse over the next three years. In 1993, I
reached another breaking point, and I attempted to persuade Peter to leave with me. Again
he refused, and I left alone.
My return to Gold a week later marked my second phase in the Sea Org, when I denounced
my self and rejoined the group again. My eventual ticket out of Gold was my creative
abilities as a designer that managed to survive despite leadership‘s suppression. I became
the International Staff Uniform Project In-Charge, under close supervision of Miscavige.
Hubbard‘s ―art technology‖ and policies about the Sea Org and its pseudomilitary image
dictated my designs rather than my creative abilities in my own style. But the job enabled
me to be immersed in my passion of clothes design, outside of Gold‘s constraints. I was
given a special project to work with Italian designer (and Scientologist) Claudio Lugli to
design suits for the CCI staff in Hollywood. I completed the project successfully, which
ignited my passion for designing again. I eventually worked at every major Scientology base
around the world. I lived near London for six months, producing the UK staff clothing while
manufacturing everything in Ireland, Scotland, and England, then more projects in
Copenhagen, Sydney, and New York. Although I lived away from my husband for months at
a time, I loved my job, because it had become my main source of pleasure.
For completing my projects successfully, Miscavige promoted me to work for the Events Unit
in the PR Office in 1995. As Deputy Events Art Director, I created stage designs, awards,
and the dress of Senior Executive speakers for CSI events internationally. In 1996,
Miscavige promoted me again to a senior post of International Management Public Relations
Officer (IMPR), working directly with him and the highest leaders of Scientology. This post
could have been a highly creative opportunity for writing speeches and scripts, writing and
editing for the International Scientology News, doing event planning, and writing PR
spots before my eyes. I wondered if I was cracking up when the ground seemed to sink
beneath my feet. I recovered within moments, although I was severely disoriented.
Leadership employed other types of discipline. We were usually deprived of any time off,
and we were frequently deprived of ―enhancement‖ time (studying in the classrooms, or
getting auditing/counseling), which was my sole reason for being a Scientologist.
Prior to my involvement with Scientology, my creativity as a designer had always stemmed
from a high interchange of ideas from various stimuli such as TV, movies, books and
magazines, and conversations with other artists. At Gold, I resented the suppressive
restrictions of my creative intake and freedom of speech. All of our communications were
controlled or censored: Owning or watching TV was forbidden, as was possessing a
telephone in our room or having a cell phone. Security read our mail before and if it was
delivered to us. We could not own a personal computer, or ever log on to anyone else‘s
computer off base, at the threat of RPF assignment. Our office computers had no Internet
access without permission of Security. We could not receive phone calls from family or
friends without a security guard listening on an extension, and the call was followed by
interrogation about its content. We lived under 24/7 security watch and couldn‘t leave the
base without permission. Couples had to live with another couple, with little privacy intact.
With completely suppressed freedom of mobility and communication, I tried to persuade my
husband to leave in 1990, but he refused. I left alone, and was coerced into coming back,
but I only agreed in order to keep our marriage together. I was sent to the RPF, labeled an
out-ethics treasonous individual and assigned to hard labor, humiliation, isolation, and
mental duress. After six months, I came back to post as if ―rehabilitated.‖ However, during
the RPF, I discovered and fortified my sCS, that part of me I considered to be my core, from
which free-thinking and creative expressions emanated, and which could survive while I also
functioned as a Sea Org member who could endure invalidation of my creative abilities and
tolerate attempts by others to suppress most things about me. My sCS was a highly
expressive and idealistic woman who knew she had talent and potential despite suppression
from leadership. Group conditions at Gold got worse over the next three years. In 1993, I
reached another breaking point, and I attempted to persuade Peter to leave with me. Again
he refused, and I left alone.
My return to Gold a week later marked my second phase in the Sea Org, when I denounced
my self and rejoined the group again. My eventual ticket out of Gold was my creative
abilities as a designer that managed to survive despite leadership‘s suppression. I became
the International Staff Uniform Project In-Charge, under close supervision of Miscavige.
Hubbard‘s ―art technology‖ and policies about the Sea Org and its pseudomilitary image
dictated my designs rather than my creative abilities in my own style. But the job enabled
me to be immersed in my passion of clothes design, outside of Gold‘s constraints. I was
given a special project to work with Italian designer (and Scientologist) Claudio Lugli to
design suits for the CCI staff in Hollywood. I completed the project successfully, which
ignited my passion for designing again. I eventually worked at every major Scientology base
around the world. I lived near London for six months, producing the UK staff clothing while
manufacturing everything in Ireland, Scotland, and England, then more projects in
Copenhagen, Sydney, and New York. Although I lived away from my husband for months at
a time, I loved my job, because it had become my main source of pleasure.
For completing my projects successfully, Miscavige promoted me to work for the Events Unit
in the PR Office in 1995. As Deputy Events Art Director, I created stage designs, awards,
and the dress of Senior Executive speakers for CSI events internationally. In 1996,
Miscavige promoted me again to a senior post of International Management Public Relations
Officer (IMPR), working directly with him and the highest leaders of Scientology. This post
could have been a highly creative opportunity for writing speeches and scripts, writing and
editing for the International Scientology News, doing event planning, and writing PR
