Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 9, No. 1, 2010, Page 67
inflated sense of self, set up by the leader‘s claims that we were the ―chosen people.‖
(Twitchell, 1971b, p. 117). I loved the sound and calming effect of chanting, but this
practice put members into a trance state that reinforced the perception of the leader as
―divine,‖ discouraged critical thinking, and was presented as a primary way to solve
problems when other coping skills were far more adaptive. I was encouraged by the title of
Twitchell‘s book, In My Soul, I Am Free, then stunned by his warnings of danger if I failed to
follow his path. As ―free‖ began to appear more like ―enslaved,‖ I had more difficulty in
making personal decisions and was less certain of my personal rights. Inconsistent,
contradictory statements that George Orwell describes as doublespeak/doublethink (1949)
were frequently issued by the ―master.‖ Shadowy, sinister aspects of Eckankar collided with
kernels of truth. The ideology dominated our thought, including concepts similar to
Rhadasoami, Hindu and Buddhist philosophies which we earnestly explored. During the ‗70s
when many people my age were abusing drugs and alcohol, I abstained from all of them,
taking my vows as a ―higher initiate‖ seriously. Eventually, my experiences helped to
educate me about the power of social groups, and ways members are manipulated and
exploited by corrupt, authoritarian leaders. Going into the darkness of the organization and
emerging from it provided me with insight about aspects of the psyche that are acted out in
groups.
My first step in the process of leaving Eckankar was to divorce my husband. I had come to
realize that, in most ways, our marriage was unhealthy and unsustainable. I yearned to
experience something better in the world outside.
The Loft
My involvement with the Loft acting studio and with others in the film industry literally
saved my life, unraveling a giant spider‘s web of deceit that had encapsulated my soul, its
prey.
Peggy Feury and her husband Bill Traylor founded the Loft studio in 1973 and were both
involved in teaching there. The studio was small, about 2,000 square feet, and included a
stage, several rows of seats from which to observe the action, black walls and ceiling, a few
stage lights, and a collection of minimal props that we could each augment with our
personal belongings, or arrange according to our need. Ten to fifteen of us were involved in
the intensive workshop, meeting for hours four or five days a week. I was referred there by
Jennifer Schull, a casting director whom I had met through an agent. She encouraged me to
get involved with Peggy. If I was serious about acting, she said, this was the place to go.
The first time I had walked into the minimally lit theater of the Loft and took my place
alongside the others in the ―audience‖ section, I was excited and amazed that I had
accomplished simply being there—a student actor in one of the most highly regarded acting
studios in the country! I was making my own connections as a single adult, after divorcing
the man who recruited me into Eckankar. I was proud that I was taking care of myself—
working out, eating healthy foods, keeping myself lean and fit. I enjoyed living in my own
apartment.
Surrounding myself with strongly self-motivated people supported my exit strategy. I
benefited by direct work with Hollywood actors, directors, and producers, some of whom
had already achieved prominence and others who were unknown then but would become
household names. These hard-working, talented, and bright people exposed me to the
subjective experience of creativity, at a time when the cult leader demanded the
subordination of our individuality. In addition to improvisations and sensory exercises, we
analyzed and performed works by playwrights and novelists, including Harold Pinter, Anton
Chekhov, Jean Genet, Tennessee Williams, Jean Anouilh, Tom Stoppard, Irwin Shaw,
Ingmar Bergman, Doris Lessing, and Edward Albee.
inflated sense of self, set up by the leader‘s claims that we were the ―chosen people.‖
(Twitchell, 1971b, p. 117). I loved the sound and calming effect of chanting, but this
practice put members into a trance state that reinforced the perception of the leader as
―divine,‖ discouraged critical thinking, and was presented as a primary way to solve
problems when other coping skills were far more adaptive. I was encouraged by the title of
Twitchell‘s book, In My Soul, I Am Free, then stunned by his warnings of danger if I failed to
follow his path. As ―free‖ began to appear more like ―enslaved,‖ I had more difficulty in
making personal decisions and was less certain of my personal rights. Inconsistent,
contradictory statements that George Orwell describes as doublespeak/doublethink (1949)
were frequently issued by the ―master.‖ Shadowy, sinister aspects of Eckankar collided with
kernels of truth. The ideology dominated our thought, including concepts similar to
Rhadasoami, Hindu and Buddhist philosophies which we earnestly explored. During the ‗70s
when many people my age were abusing drugs and alcohol, I abstained from all of them,
taking my vows as a ―higher initiate‖ seriously. Eventually, my experiences helped to
educate me about the power of social groups, and ways members are manipulated and
exploited by corrupt, authoritarian leaders. Going into the darkness of the organization and
emerging from it provided me with insight about aspects of the psyche that are acted out in
groups.
My first step in the process of leaving Eckankar was to divorce my husband. I had come to
realize that, in most ways, our marriage was unhealthy and unsustainable. I yearned to
experience something better in the world outside.
The Loft
My involvement with the Loft acting studio and with others in the film industry literally
saved my life, unraveling a giant spider‘s web of deceit that had encapsulated my soul, its
prey.
Peggy Feury and her husband Bill Traylor founded the Loft studio in 1973 and were both
involved in teaching there. The studio was small, about 2,000 square feet, and included a
stage, several rows of seats from which to observe the action, black walls and ceiling, a few
stage lights, and a collection of minimal props that we could each augment with our
personal belongings, or arrange according to our need. Ten to fifteen of us were involved in
the intensive workshop, meeting for hours four or five days a week. I was referred there by
Jennifer Schull, a casting director whom I had met through an agent. She encouraged me to
get involved with Peggy. If I was serious about acting, she said, this was the place to go.
The first time I had walked into the minimally lit theater of the Loft and took my place
alongside the others in the ―audience‖ section, I was excited and amazed that I had
accomplished simply being there—a student actor in one of the most highly regarded acting
studios in the country! I was making my own connections as a single adult, after divorcing
the man who recruited me into Eckankar. I was proud that I was taking care of myself—
working out, eating healthy foods, keeping myself lean and fit. I enjoyed living in my own
apartment.
Surrounding myself with strongly self-motivated people supported my exit strategy. I
benefited by direct work with Hollywood actors, directors, and producers, some of whom
had already achieved prominence and others who were unknown then but would become
household names. These hard-working, talented, and bright people exposed me to the
subjective experience of creativity, at a time when the cult leader demanded the
subordination of our individuality. In addition to improvisations and sensory exercises, we
analyzed and performed works by playwrights and novelists, including Harold Pinter, Anton
Chekhov, Jean Genet, Tennessee Williams, Jean Anouilh, Tom Stoppard, Irwin Shaw,
Ingmar Bergman, Doris Lessing, and Edward Albee.
