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Exercise- Helping Assessment
List the sensitivities ('major bruises) of your loved one. List the strengths and
skills you have that could be helpful to a trauma victim (example: patient, good
listener). List the tendencies you have that would alienate someone from
trusting you and coming to you for help(example: overbearing, unpredictable).
Discuss this with a trusted and honest friend. Discuss this with siblings or
friends of the ex-cultist, if appropriate.
Speaking Out about Their Experience
Some loved ones want to talk and write about their experiences publicly, others
do not. Some lecture during the first few years and then decide to move on to
other responsibilities. Some lecture later on, some never do. This is a private
decision for loved ones to make. Whether loved ones do or do not want to talk
in public, their decision should be respected.
Not Ready
Unfortunately, there are well-meaning persons who try to "encourage" the ex-
cultist to talk about his experience before he is ready to talk. And, as incredible
as it may seem, some people try to pressure or "encourage" the ex-cultist to
talk even if he does not want to. Does this sound like coercion to you? It should.
How do you think it sounds to the ex-cultist? Are you pushing buttons and
jeopardizing recovery? You might be.
Talking in public can be very validating, but if a loved one is not ready and not
stable, he could float. He could also have some very serious problems in
developing trusting relationships again. When the people he has come home to
are acting the same way the cult did-coercing certain behaviors-it sets off
buttons and generates fear, even terror.
As a parent or support person, don't let anyone, even an anti-cult advocate or
clergy, push you into "encouraging" the ex-cultist to talk about something he is
not ready to discuss. Talking about the experience at home is not the same as
talking about it publicly.
What to Do About Religion?
Don't let the clergy of the religion your loved one used to follow push him into
recommitting to that faith. You need to accept that your loved one may never
go back to that faith. It may be too loaded for him. Clergy need to accept this,
too.
I realize this can be an extremely difficult issue for some families however,
giving the ex-cultist a lot of time, even years to work out his thoughts and
feelings, is important. I have known some ex-cultists who did choose to go back
to their former faith. Some returned fairly quickly, some did not return for
years.

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As for myself, I remember sitting in my room and discussing my confusion
about church and religion with God that first year I was home. I loved God and
nothing could take that truth away. But how I chose to express that love and
service was not going to be dictated to me again. I knew that God was big
enough to touch my life without the religion I had once known. I asked God to
honor my pain, to accept my weaknesses, and to forgive me for not returning to
the church of my youth. I promised God I would love generously and with
wisdom and that I would always do the best I could with my life, I have kept
that promise.
This issue can be a true test of faith for a family and their religion. I only want
to offer the thought that you need to let go and trust God to work in your loved
one's life and not to push this issue, especially with a bruised and hurt loved
one. God can work in his or her life without the formalities of religion.
Summary
You can be a critical part of a speedy and healthy recovery by providing an
accepting and nurturing environment. Healing will take a lot of time. Do not
control or be overprotective. Let go of the times together that were stolen from
you and grieve your loss. Trust that in time with the right support and
information your loved one can move on with life.