Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 39
While you were in the cult you were not allowed to explore your own
uniqueness. Residual suggestions of what is right for you as defined by the cult
may still be a part of your thinking. If you make unalterable decisions too
quickly right now, such as marriage and children, they may be the wrong
decisions for you. Give yourself time, perhaps at least one year, before making
any unalterable decisions.
Exercise- Sexual Behavior
List your concerns and fears about sex. Discuss these with someone you trust.
What topics do you want more information about? Check your library for reliable
books and articles on these topics. Also, consider discussing your questions with
your doctor or health care practitioner
Depression
Every ex-cultist I have known has experienced depression. It varies in length
and intensity. Those who don't experience depression may be denying their
feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Some types of depression require
medication. If you cannot work through your depression, you might want to
consider medication prescribed by a trained and competent psychiatrist. Be sure
to eat right and get plenty of rest (see Appendix D.)
Deceived
There is no doubt about it, recognizing you were deceived, manipulated, and
controlled is enraging. What a sense of being lied to and of being conned! What
a sense of being deceived! For many, it is a sense of violation akin only to rape-
the rape of the mind.
Cults don't stop with the mind, though. They rape your soul and your
spirituality. They rape the very dreams that make you who you are. "What is it
you would like in your life or in the world that isn't there now?" they ask. And
we, innocent of the trap before us, told them our dreams, such as a world at
peace, more love between people, harmony in the home, financial stability,
inner peace, a meaningful job, a meaningful life.
We trusted them to show us the pathway. We gave up family, friends, careers,
loved ones, educations, and more to follow a dream. The dream became a fog.
When the fog cleared, we'd been had-big time. We'd lost a lot.
It takes time to grieve the loss of all these many things. Sometimes the pain of
grieving can become so intense that people deny or repress the pain. They insist
on "getting on with things" and tell themselves that everything is fine.
Inevitably, the pain will need to be processed and this neglected wound will cry
out for attention when least expected. It is helpful to moderate the pain so as
not to become immobilized, but the pain still needs to be felt and the loss still
needs to be grieved. This takes time and courage. It also takes permission from
you and from your environment.

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 40
Blind Trust vs. Selective Trust
We lost family, friends, relationships, careers, educations, spouses, children,
money and more money, property, health, and time, and we lost trust. We lost
trust in our ability to make decisions, in religion, in government, in academia, in
the media, in medicine, in business, and in the military.
You name it we couldn't trust it. The cult had wedged that much fear into us.
They alone had the truth all else was lies. Some of that ideology haunts most
of us, even after we leave, in the form of phobias, such as "you can't trust
anyone ...everyone's out to get you."
It's not true that you can't trust the government, but you can't blindly trust. You
need to assess, evaluate, reason, deduce and decide what to trust about the
government. The work of recovery is to move from the blind trust of the cult to
trusting selectively after applying good decision-making skills. It's not true that
you can't trust religion, business, medicine, or relationships. But you cannot
blindly trust. You must learn to trust selectively.
Loss of Innocence
Is it any wonder that part of recovery involves being depressed and sad about
these losses? Not just the loss of people, places and things, but also the loss of
innocence. We can have blind faith no more. We know in a very real way that it
is not safe. Nor can we have blind faith in reason or emotions. We must
integrate them. We must listen to the feedback our feelings are giving us and
not deny or rationalize it. We need to learn to evaluate what is going on
between our hearts and our minds. We have to learn to listen to our thoughts
and feelings and take responsibility for what is there.
Unable to Sleep
There was a period of about three months in the first year of recovery when I
remember having great difficulty sleeping. I dreaded the end of the day. I would
lie down to sleep and so many impressions of people and things would flood my
mind. I would be so overwhelmed that I would cry for hours-a kind of crying I
will never forget and have never had since then. It was a deep, gut-wrenching
crying, as if I were going to vomit my guts. I cried for the people left behind, for
the years I lost, for the family events missed, the boyfriends I never knew, and
more.
Fortunately, there was an ex-cultist available to me on the phone in those
painful late hours and we would talk about many of the issues I was trying to
work through. I was also getting counseling. Those were some really tough
months. Thank goodness for my friend on the phone. I keep thinking this
grieving process is like a phoenix from the ashes, or as the old men sing in the
movie "Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang"-up from the ashes grow the roses of
success. I took inspiration from wherever I could find it and clung to it.
The Buddy System
If your cult was into "going through" or "experiencing" pain as a cleansing
mechanism, feeling depression might be scary and loaded for you. I would