Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 45
Expectations
Making a difference almost always involves more than being competent at
something. It involves learning how to communicate with others in such a way
that they can hear you. Too often ex-cultists have expectations of others that
are unrealistic.
Many ex-cultists have great ideas of how they can use the skills and experiences
they acquired while in the cult to make a difference in their communities. But
having lived in an all-or-nothing world, they often have severely distorted
expectations about how others should respond to their ideas. If they were
leaders in their cults, they were probably used to people responding with total
acceptance and obedience. Ex-cultists often still expect all or nothing from
others. This attitude naturally makes people defensive and angry.
Before trying to communicate with others, it is helpful to ask "what kinds of
expectations can I have of this listener? Where are these expectations on the
gray scale? Am I still in the all-or-nothing, totalistic mind set?" It's important to
learn to recognize the expectations you have of yourself and of others and to
test how realistic these expectations are.
Interact with Others
Often ex-cultists get stuck in the fear of being hurt again and try to protect
themselves by minimizing any interaction with others. They stay huddled in
their apartments. This is okay for a while. But, if you're one of these people,
perhaps you can challenge yourself to grow and change. In time, try to begin to
work toward changing the expectations you have of how others should respond
to you by interacting with people and seeing what does and doesn't work. Don't
worry if you make mistakes. Everyone does.
Work at dismantling the all-or-nothing mind set the cult taught you. Look for
the subtle and hidden signals of this kind of thinking. For some, this can be
particularly difficult since all-or-nothing thinking will seem normal to the pre-cult
self.
Exercise- Expectations
Think of a friend family member, or coworker with whom you get frustrated or
angry. Write down your expectations of this person -why it is they make you
upset. Review the expectations and ask yourself where each expectation is on
the gray scale. How could you adjust your expectations? Discuss this
adjustment process with others. Do your expectations sound reasonable to
them? If so, why? If not, adjust your expectations again. Try interacting with
the adjusted expectations. What happened? Why?
Becoming Your Own Coach
One of the best things you can ever do for yourself is to become you own best
friend and coach, if you aren't already. We all need to be believed in and we all
need a little inspiration and coaching now and then.
Expectations
Making a difference almost always involves more than being competent at
something. It involves learning how to communicate with others in such a way
that they can hear you. Too often ex-cultists have expectations of others that
are unrealistic.
Many ex-cultists have great ideas of how they can use the skills and experiences
they acquired while in the cult to make a difference in their communities. But
having lived in an all-or-nothing world, they often have severely distorted
expectations about how others should respond to their ideas. If they were
leaders in their cults, they were probably used to people responding with total
acceptance and obedience. Ex-cultists often still expect all or nothing from
others. This attitude naturally makes people defensive and angry.
Before trying to communicate with others, it is helpful to ask "what kinds of
expectations can I have of this listener? Where are these expectations on the
gray scale? Am I still in the all-or-nothing, totalistic mind set?" It's important to
learn to recognize the expectations you have of yourself and of others and to
test how realistic these expectations are.
Interact with Others
Often ex-cultists get stuck in the fear of being hurt again and try to protect
themselves by minimizing any interaction with others. They stay huddled in
their apartments. This is okay for a while. But, if you're one of these people,
perhaps you can challenge yourself to grow and change. In time, try to begin to
work toward changing the expectations you have of how others should respond
to you by interacting with people and seeing what does and doesn't work. Don't
worry if you make mistakes. Everyone does.
Work at dismantling the all-or-nothing mind set the cult taught you. Look for
the subtle and hidden signals of this kind of thinking. For some, this can be
particularly difficult since all-or-nothing thinking will seem normal to the pre-cult
self.
Exercise- Expectations
Think of a friend family member, or coworker with whom you get frustrated or
angry. Write down your expectations of this person -why it is they make you
upset. Review the expectations and ask yourself where each expectation is on
the gray scale. How could you adjust your expectations? Discuss this
adjustment process with others. Do your expectations sound reasonable to
them? If so, why? If not, adjust your expectations again. Try interacting with
the adjusted expectations. What happened? Why?
Becoming Your Own Coach
One of the best things you can ever do for yourself is to become you own best
friend and coach, if you aren't already. We all need to be believed in and we all
need a little inspiration and coaching now and then.
