Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 45
Expectations
Making a difference almost always involves more than being competent at
something. It involves learning how to communicate with others in such a way
that they can hear you. Too often ex-cultists have expectations of others that
are unrealistic.
Many ex-cultists have great ideas of how they can use the skills and experiences
they acquired while in the cult to make a difference in their communities. But
having lived in an all-or-nothing world, they often have severely distorted
expectations about how others should respond to their ideas. If they were
leaders in their cults, they were probably used to people responding with total
acceptance and obedience. Ex-cultists often still expect all or nothing from
others. This attitude naturally makes people defensive and angry.
Before trying to communicate with others, it is helpful to ask "what kinds of
expectations can I have of this listener? Where are these expectations on the
gray scale? Am I still in the all-or-nothing, totalistic mind set?" It's important to
learn to recognize the expectations you have of yourself and of others and to
test how realistic these expectations are.
Interact with Others
Often ex-cultists get stuck in the fear of being hurt again and try to protect
themselves by minimizing any interaction with others. They stay huddled in
their apartments. This is okay for a while. But, if you're one of these people,
perhaps you can challenge yourself to grow and change. In time, try to begin to
work toward changing the expectations you have of how others should respond
to you by interacting with people and seeing what does and doesn't work. Don't
worry if you make mistakes. Everyone does.
Work at dismantling the all-or-nothing mind set the cult taught you. Look for
the subtle and hidden signals of this kind of thinking. For some, this can be
particularly difficult since all-or-nothing thinking will seem normal to the pre-cult
self.
Exercise- Expectations
Think of a friend family member, or coworker with whom you get frustrated or
angry. Write down your expectations of this person -why it is they make you
upset. Review the expectations and ask yourself where each expectation is on
the gray scale. How could you adjust your expectations? Discuss this
adjustment process with others. Do your expectations sound reasonable to
them? If so, why? If not, adjust your expectations again. Try interacting with
the adjusted expectations. What happened? Why?
Becoming Your Own Coach
One of the best things you can ever do for yourself is to become you own best
friend and coach, if you aren't already. We all need to be believed in and we all
need a little inspiration and coaching now and then.

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 46
Isn't it grand to genuinely respect yourself for the person you are and to feel
proud of your accomplishments) You are someone special. You have something
to give. You got knocked down hard but you're getting back up on your feet
slowly but surely. You're making mistakes, but you're learning from them. You
get tired and scared, lonely and confused, but you don't quit. You learn how to
do some things well and share that knowledge and encouragement with others.
That's something to be proud of and to feel good about.
"Steady at the helm, lass," I tell myself when a situation gets a little panicky.
That's a sailor's expression. The helm steers the ship through wind, rain, and
dark of night. "Steady, and keep your wits about you, now." Sometimes you
need to coach yourself through the rough spots. You need to believe in you.
Learning New Skills
When I realized I could learn new skills, new possibilities opened up to me. I
had to realize, though, that acquiring new skills meant I would be changing.
Change can be hard for some people. "For many people," as Alfred Adler said,
"the solution is more frightening than the problem."
Change usually leads to growth. For some it's an adventure, a door to new
freedoms and experiences. For others, change is very threatening. Change
means letting go of an old way and moving onto a different place. This takes
time and courage.
"Growth has not only rewards and pleasure, but also many intrinsic pains
and always will have. Each step forward is a step into the unfamiliar and is
thought of as possibly dangerous. It also frequently means giving up
something familiar and good and satisfying. It frequently means a parting
and a separation with consequent nostalgia, loneliness, and mourning. It
also often means giving up a simpler and easier and less effortful life in
exchange for a more demanding, more difficult life. Growth forward is in
spite of these losses and therefore requires courage, strength in the
individual, as well as protection, permission, and encouragement from the
environment, especially for the child." (A.H. Maslow, "Some Basic
Propositions of Holistic-Dynamic Psychology," an unpublished paper,
Brandeis University.)
Taking Inventory
What if you feel like a complete jerk, a failure? "Everytime I get up, something
knocks me down." Well, if you keep tripping, get new shoelaces. What I mean
is, acquire new skills and/or improve others. Change. We often keep making
mistakes because we aren't hearing and integrating feedback from our emotions
and our reason. Identify the areas of your thinking and feelings that need
improvement.