Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 56
matured them beyond their years, such as leadership responsibilities and sexual
activity. The very reality of having been ideologically and psychologically raped
has catapulted ex-cultists to a developmental space inconsistent with their
years.
This mismatch of years and experiences takes very hard work to integrate into a
unified whole. Let it take time.
Exercise- Expectations
Write down all the expectations you have of your loved one for the first year of
recovery. Now, write down all your expectations for the second and third years
of recovery. Discuss these expectations with a friend who has been traumatized
and recovered or someone knowledgeable about trauma. How realistic are your
expectations? Modify your expectations and review them with your friend.
Missed Events
Some ex-cultists, because of the constraints of the cult, missed critical life
events with their families and friends, such as births, deaths, marriages,
religious observances, and graduations. Even though ex-cultists are not fully
responsible for not having attended these events, it helps to hear that they have
been forgiven. Discuss it with them. Let them know you still love and respect
them and that you understand it was the cult that kept them from sharing these
key family events. They also need to forgive themselves. Both the families and
ex-cultists need to grieve the loss of not having shared these events.
Basic Skills
Also lost to the ex-cultists were the opportunities to develop basic self-
management skills, such as:
1. Finding an apartment. These skills might include:
a. Arranging for gas, oil, electricity, phone, water
b. Interviewing and contracting with a landlord
c. Managing neighbor and roommate conflicts
2. Finding transportation. These skills might include:
a. Deciphering bus, subway, and train schedules
b. Getting a driver's license
c. Buying and maintaining a vehicle
d. Processing an insurance application or claim
e. Processing registration and excise tax forms
3. Finding a job. These skills might include:
a. Writing a resume
matured them beyond their years, such as leadership responsibilities and sexual
activity. The very reality of having been ideologically and psychologically raped
has catapulted ex-cultists to a developmental space inconsistent with their
years.
This mismatch of years and experiences takes very hard work to integrate into a
unified whole. Let it take time.
Exercise- Expectations
Write down all the expectations you have of your loved one for the first year of
recovery. Now, write down all your expectations for the second and third years
of recovery. Discuss these expectations with a friend who has been traumatized
and recovered or someone knowledgeable about trauma. How realistic are your
expectations? Modify your expectations and review them with your friend.
Missed Events
Some ex-cultists, because of the constraints of the cult, missed critical life
events with their families and friends, such as births, deaths, marriages,
religious observances, and graduations. Even though ex-cultists are not fully
responsible for not having attended these events, it helps to hear that they have
been forgiven. Discuss it with them. Let them know you still love and respect
them and that you understand it was the cult that kept them from sharing these
key family events. They also need to forgive themselves. Both the families and
ex-cultists need to grieve the loss of not having shared these events.
Basic Skills
Also lost to the ex-cultists were the opportunities to develop basic self-
management skills, such as:
1. Finding an apartment. These skills might include:
a. Arranging for gas, oil, electricity, phone, water
b. Interviewing and contracting with a landlord
c. Managing neighbor and roommate conflicts
2. Finding transportation. These skills might include:
a. Deciphering bus, subway, and train schedules
b. Getting a driver's license
c. Buying and maintaining a vehicle
d. Processing an insurance application or claim
e. Processing registration and excise tax forms
3. Finding a job. These skills might include:
a. Writing a resume
