Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 18
method of teaching others about cults.
I fought this "I need to make you understand" battle for a while, too. I felt guilty
when I left people frightened and like a freak when they simply couldn't
understand. I finally figured out what I was doing wrong. I wasn't assessing the
listener. I wasn't really talking to that particular person. I thought I was, but I
wasn't. I' had to admit I wasn't, because the listener wasn't grasping what I was
trying to say.
Talk "With" Not "At"
So, I challenged myself to get better at communicating, to develop better
communication and presentation skills. I challenged myself to talk with not at
listeners, to assess by their body language, questions, and expressions how
much to tell and how much to leave for another time. I used humor and
openness, and set a goal of leaving the listener with just a couple of points well-
understood. This is not manipulation. It's respecting people and the different
ways they learn.
It was hard at first, but I learned. As I learned and changed how I talked with
others and how much I said, I found that I communicated more effectively. As I
communicated more effectively, I found a great deal of understanding,
empathy, and support from many people.
The most effective technique was to spend most of the conversation helping
listeners recognize their own vulnerabilities and needs. Put listeners in touch
with their own loneliness, sense of uselessness, or hunger for love, and it's very
easy to follow up with "well, what if I offered you the answer to your
problems..." Once listeners understood that it could happen to them, teaching,
them how mind control works was pretty straightforward. (See Carnegie,1936.)
You will find many people who are easily frightened by your story. The truth
that given the right set of circumstances they, too, could be psychologically
manipulated and lose their freedom to choose does not fit with their model of
how the world is supposed to work. To understand your story they have to
change some of their fundamental perceptions of life. This is very hard work for
anyone to do. Be patient and gentle with these people.
Letting the Steam Out
There is a point in recovery, usually early on, when you're overwhelmed with
anger and energy by the experience. You may find yourself compulsively talking
to anyone who appears to be listening. This is very normal and can be a very
constructive part of healing. Here is where family and friends can be a great
help, just by listening patiently. This need to "tell all" seems to occur for a few
method of teaching others about cults.
I fought this "I need to make you understand" battle for a while, too. I felt guilty
when I left people frightened and like a freak when they simply couldn't
understand. I finally figured out what I was doing wrong. I wasn't assessing the
listener. I wasn't really talking to that particular person. I thought I was, but I
wasn't. I' had to admit I wasn't, because the listener wasn't grasping what I was
trying to say.
Talk "With" Not "At"
So, I challenged myself to get better at communicating, to develop better
communication and presentation skills. I challenged myself to talk with not at
listeners, to assess by their body language, questions, and expressions how
much to tell and how much to leave for another time. I used humor and
openness, and set a goal of leaving the listener with just a couple of points well-
understood. This is not manipulation. It's respecting people and the different
ways they learn.
It was hard at first, but I learned. As I learned and changed how I talked with
others and how much I said, I found that I communicated more effectively. As I
communicated more effectively, I found a great deal of understanding,
empathy, and support from many people.
The most effective technique was to spend most of the conversation helping
listeners recognize their own vulnerabilities and needs. Put listeners in touch
with their own loneliness, sense of uselessness, or hunger for love, and it's very
easy to follow up with "well, what if I offered you the answer to your
problems..." Once listeners understood that it could happen to them, teaching,
them how mind control works was pretty straightforward. (See Carnegie,1936.)
You will find many people who are easily frightened by your story. The truth
that given the right set of circumstances they, too, could be psychologically
manipulated and lose their freedom to choose does not fit with their model of
how the world is supposed to work. To understand your story they have to
change some of their fundamental perceptions of life. This is very hard work for
anyone to do. Be patient and gentle with these people.
Letting the Steam Out
There is a point in recovery, usually early on, when you're overwhelmed with
anger and energy by the experience. You may find yourself compulsively talking
to anyone who appears to be listening. This is very normal and can be a very
constructive part of healing. Here is where family and friends can be a great
help, just by listening patiently. This need to "tell all" seems to occur for a few
