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comfortable going alone, invite a family member or friend. After so many years
of not having you around, they may be glad for the opportunity to be with you
again. Is there a local art show, little league, or town fair? Maybe offer to help.
Exercise- Reconnecting
List the interests, activities, and sports that you were involved with before the
group experience (example: thespian, musician, hockey)? What role did you
play in these activities (example: stage manager, flutist, goalie)? Which
activities did you enjoy the most? What was it about the activity that you liked?
What outlets for your interests are available in your community? What new
interests might you enjoy pursuing?
Small Talk
If you notice someone you'd like to meet, engage in small talk. You may feel
awkward at first, as if you're setting them up to be recruited. I felt this way for
a while, too. I also felt uncomfortable with small talk because it seemed trivial.
I have come to appreciate, though, that small talk is a key part of evaluating
listeners, as well as helping them to assess you. When you make small talk,
there are actually several things going on:
You are identifying common interests. Instead of jumping into an instant
friendship, you can evaluate whether or not you have enough in common with
this person to make the effort worthwhile to you.
You are identifying personality styles. In the real world people are different.
They approach problems differently and interact with others differently. You
may not want to become friends with someone who approaches life too
differently from you. On the other hand, you may be tired of the same types of
people and want a friend who offers a different perspective and approach to life.
For example, you may be shy and feel bullied around someone too aggressive.
You may be very analytical and find yourself annoyed with someone who would
rather be friendly than think about a problem. You may be people-oriented and
would feel bored and intimidated with someone who is task-oriented.
You are assessing their credibility. What are their life and work experiences?
How do they know about the subject you're both discussing? Can they look you
in the eye while you are talking? Are they listening to you when you speak or do
they want to do all the talking? Do they interrupt frequently? How do they
respond to what you're saying? Are they supportive, critical, judgmental, or
validating?
Small talk enables you to evaluate people before you confide in them too deeply
and trust them only to be later disappointed. It may be called "small talk," but it
can be an important part of evaluating people's credibility.
Yes, I'd Like to Get to Know You
If you decide you want to get to: know someone better, you could ask him or

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her out for coffee. Remember, let it take time. You don't have to recruit them
into the local chorus group if you don't want to, and you don't have to talk
about the cult experience if you don't want to. Most people love to talk about
themselves. If you ask them a couple of questions that cannot be answered with
a simple yes or no, they may well talk your ear off. Making and developing
friendships can provide healthy support systems and be an interesting way of
exploring what life has to offer by seeing what works for others.
I should warn you that some people prey on others who have been hurt. They
appear friendly and then use you. You know this because you were in a cult, but
these types of people are still around you. When you're first out and fragile, be
wary, especially of situations that may have sexual overtones. I'm sad to say
that some ex-cultists have even trusted other ex-cultists only to find later they
have been used.
Be a wise consumer. Ask other people to help you evaluate someone. This is a
good reality check method to use throughout your life.
Answering Questions
Let me go back to something I just said-you don't have to talk about the cult
experience if you don't want to. I didn't say this to suggest you don't talk about
it. But often ex-cultists feel as if they have to do whatever they are asked to do,
or feel they have to answer any question they are asked. In my cult we used to
say, "don't ask how high, just jump."
Cultists are manipulated into unquestioned obedience. If someone asks a
question, you answer it. If you don't want to, there is something wrong with
you. Either you don't trust the doctrine or you are hiding something evil. Some
ex-cultists continue to face the same dilemma:
I've got to tell all or there's something wrong with me, yet I don't want to tell
all.
Ex-cultists often avoid situations that could help them develop and relearn
assessment skills because on some level they still believe they have to obey any
request of them, even a question. You don't have to do what anyone wants you
to do anymore without thinking it through, assessing its value to you, and
evaluating how to handle the situation.
Assessing the Question
You can start learning this process of assessment with any question someone
asks of you. Ask yourself:
• Do I want to talk about this with this person at this time? If not, would I
be comfortable answering it at a later date or not at all?
• If I decide to answer the question, is this person trustworthy and
intelligent enough to use the information in a responsible manner?
If you're having trouble sorting out how you feel and there is time, try talking it