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basic health issues. My comments here are for those who were isolated from
basic information.
Sex is a pretty loaded issue these days even if you haven't been in a cult. Sex
can be particularly loaded for ex-cultists, because some abusive groups use sex
to recruit members or to keep them in. Many cult leaders have sex with
opposite and same-sex members even when they have preached abstinence to
their followers. Many ex-cultists did not engage in sex while devotees, while
others were coerced into sex with another follower, a group of followers, and/or
the leader. Some were married within the cult and were given only certain dates
and times when they could engage in sex.
A Few Pointers
It is very common for ex-cultists either to shy away from and fear sex,
especially if it was taboo in the cult, or be promiscuous. However you choose to
behave now, I offer a few pointers:
1. First, you are making memories and affecting the life of another person in
a unique way. Make memories you will want to keep by being sensitive,
respectful, and responsible about sharing sex. The golden rule is timeless.
2. Second, practice safe sex. Casual sex today is potentially deadly. That
doesn't mean you can't share sex, but you must practice safe sex or risk
killing yourself and anyone else with whom you are physically intimate.
3. Third, avoid excessive drinking with sex. Don't let alcohol impair your
judgment about practicing safe sex! You don't want an unplanned
pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease to impair your recovery.
Easy Does It
If you are shy about sex or unsure about whether you want to engage in sex,
that's fine, too. Take your time. It is a very special and sometimes a very
vulnerable experience to open yourself up physically to another person. Take
the time you need to feel comfortable and safe. Talk over your feelings with
your partner, trusted friend or family member, or counselor.
If you were sexually abused before or during the cult or abused others, seek
medical and/or therapeutic help. Many people also experience sexual
dysfunction at some time in their life, whether in a cult or not. Take time to
work out the underlying physical and/or psychological problems.
Above all, be patient and gentle with yourself. Don't let the media hype about
sex and the cultural emphasis on performance push you into sex before it's
what you want or in a manner that is not what you want.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs)
Some abusive groups had their followers use sex as a way to recruit new
members. Some abusive groups practiced group sex. Some followers were used
for sex by their leaders. If you were in a cult that practiced unsafe sex (sex
without condoms or sex with multiple partners), you owe it to yourself to be

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checked out by a physician. There are many diseases that are transmitted
sexually both orally and genitally. Not all these diseases have easily identifiable
symptoms and some are very health threatening and contagious.
A visit to your doctor or the library will give you lots of good information on
what these diseases are, how they are transmitted, how to detect them, and
how to prevent the spread of STDs. If you are uncomfortable going to the
doctor's office by yourself, take a friend with you, even into the examining room
if that's what makes you feel safe.
Take care of your own body and check out your partner. Talk with your partner.
Ask for his or her patience and feedback. When the checking part is over, enjoy,
and learn from one another. Sex gets better with practice and good
communication.
It's Okay to Ask Tough Questions
As a woman, I found that this whole issue of premeditated sex seemed
unthinkable. Sex was just supposed to happen and I certainly had no right to
ask, much less insist, that my boyfriend or date use a condom or get a blood
test. I have had to change my thoughts on this. I have had to learn to have
more respect and love for my life. I have had to learn that it's okay to ask tough
questions. I have had to take more responsibility for how I feel about someone
before sleeping with him. This has not been easy and sometimes I wish I didn't
care, but I do. If I don't, I might contract a bothersome and expensive STD,
possibly one that could result in a horrible and lonely death.
If you want to have sex with someone, talk about whether either of you is at
risk for AIDS or other infections. Get tested together, if needed. Once you are in
a relationship, practice safe sex habits. If you don't, you could give him or her a
disease that could kill or cause a lifetime of health problems.
Birth Control and Pregnancy
Part of taking responsibility for sex involves deciding whether or not to use birth
control. Birth control is the responsibility of both men and women. If you decide
to use birth control, you need to decide what type to use. The most common
are: pill, diaphragm, sponge, condom, or foam. There is also the rhythm
method, but it is not as reliable as the other methods mentioned. If you decide
not to use birth control, you need to think through how you would emotionally
and financially manage a child at this time.
Marriage and Children
Don't rush into marriage after you leave the cult. You will feel lonely and
overwhelmed at times and you will want the closeness of another person both
physically and emotionally. But please remember you have been through a very
difficult experience. Give yourself time to heal before you take on any new
responsibilities. Get to know yourself again (or for the first time) before
becoming too involved with another person. This will help you choose the best
partner for you.