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Chapter 4:
The Role of the Family
A life is beautiful and ideal, or the reverse, only when we have taken into our
consideration the social as well as the family relationship.
--Havelock Ellis
In the previous chapters, I have written to ex-cultists. In this chapter I hope to
help ex-cultists by speaking to their families and those in a supportive role. (See
Ross and Langone, 1988.) For additional excellent information, please review
the Reference List. Much of the information in this chapter with some
modifications will also be of great help to a spouse whose partner is involved
with an excessive group.
The family is usually greatly relieved to have their loved one home. It's an
adjustment for everyone. Months, often years, of anguish and fear are over. As
in the return of the prodigal child, it is a time of great joy.
Not all families are fortunate enough to see the return of their loved one(s). The
group may have isolated the loved one to an unknown place where no contact is
allowed. Some families continue indefinitely to send letters knowing the letters
are screened by the group's leaders. Most families learn early not to send
money, as it is usually turned over to the group. These families can often
benefit from professional counseling to help them cope with their frustration and
despair.
Those families whose member leaves the group can be a source of great support
and encouragement. Through the ups and downs of recovery, the family can be
there with love and-understanding, to listen and empathize. Years of strained
communication can melt away as new memories of love and laughter replace
the years of frustration and anguish.
Pointers
Here are a few pointers which can help families provide a nurturing environment
that simultaneously encourages independence:
• Recognize that recovery can take years. Some damage may be
irreparable.
• Understand, accept, and grieve your own lost time and lost experiences
with loved ones.
• Don't be confrontational. Give the loved one time to let go of his or her
loyalty to the group and its leaders and to acknowledge the deception.
• Do not try to overprotect or control the loved one. Learn to negotiate.

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 54
• Forgive your loved one for the pain he caused you while in the cult, and
tell him that you forgive him.
• Encourage independent decision-making.
• Recognize the loved one may need financial support during recovery, but
that financial and emotional independence should be encouraged.
• Accept and respect the accomplishments the loved one made while in the
cult.
• Understand the loved one's often intense aversion to authority figures.
Patient and Hopeful
Some of you have tried to reach your child and the intervention failed. There
may be little contact left between you now. Some of you have discovered that
your child has left the state or country and you have no idea where he or she is.
Everyday you live not knowing if your child is alive or dead, healthy or injured.
What happiness there may be for your child, you know is false. You may have
been left with cosigned loans or other bills. You feel hurt, abandoned, angry,
confused, and inept at reaching the one you love and helping him or her.
Somehow, you go on.
Whatever contact you do have, keep it as upbeat as possible. Should your child
leave someday, the fewer barriers there are to returning to you the better.
Unlike other walkaways who leave the group and remained confused and
plagued with fears, if your child comes home, you can make sure he gets
adequate medical and therapeutic attention.
As painful as it is, you need to embrace the possibility that your child may never
come home. You may never know if he marries, has children, is successful at his
work, or falls ill. You have been abandoned. You must grieve this terrible loss
and go on with your life. You need to let go of this "lost child" in order to cope
with the everyday demands on your family and on your life. Remember as best
you can that it is the cult that has done this to you and your family, not the
cultist.
Exercise- For the Future
By the time your child returns home, your heart may have long forgotten who
he was-the talents, jays, likes and dislikes that made him who he was. He will
need you to help him remember. If it's not too painful, try writing down now all
you can remember of him the way he was before the cult. Allow yourself to hurt
and to cry. Tuck it away with a prayer.
Time Lost Forever
Parents have dreams for their child and envision sharing time and love with him
as the years go by. For many families of ex-cultists, parents and siblings alike, a