Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 53
Chapter 4:
The Role of the Family
A life is beautiful and ideal, or the reverse, only when we have taken into our
consideration the social as well as the family relationship.
--Havelock Ellis
In the previous chapters, I have written to ex-cultists. In this chapter I hope to
help ex-cultists by speaking to their families and those in a supportive role. (See
Ross and Langone, 1988.) For additional excellent information, please review
the Reference List. Much of the information in this chapter with some
modifications will also be of great help to a spouse whose partner is involved
with an excessive group.
The family is usually greatly relieved to have their loved one home. It's an
adjustment for everyone. Months, often years, of anguish and fear are over. As
in the return of the prodigal child, it is a time of great joy.
Not all families are fortunate enough to see the return of their loved one(s). The
group may have isolated the loved one to an unknown place where no contact is
allowed. Some families continue indefinitely to send letters knowing the letters
are screened by the group's leaders. Most families learn early not to send
money, as it is usually turned over to the group. These families can often
benefit from professional counseling to help them cope with their frustration and
despair.
Those families whose member leaves the group can be a source of great support
and encouragement. Through the ups and downs of recovery, the family can be
there with love and-understanding, to listen and empathize. Years of strained
communication can melt away as new memories of love and laughter replace
the years of frustration and anguish.
Pointers
Here are a few pointers which can help families provide a nurturing environment
that simultaneously encourages independence:
• Recognize that recovery can take years. Some damage may be
irreparable.
• Understand, accept, and grieve your own lost time and lost experiences
with loved ones.
• Don't be confrontational. Give the loved one time to let go of his or her
loyalty to the group and its leaders and to acknowledge the deception.
• Do not try to overprotect or control the loved one. Learn to negotiate.
Chapter 4:
The Role of the Family
A life is beautiful and ideal, or the reverse, only when we have taken into our
consideration the social as well as the family relationship.
--Havelock Ellis
In the previous chapters, I have written to ex-cultists. In this chapter I hope to
help ex-cultists by speaking to their families and those in a supportive role. (See
Ross and Langone, 1988.) For additional excellent information, please review
the Reference List. Much of the information in this chapter with some
modifications will also be of great help to a spouse whose partner is involved
with an excessive group.
The family is usually greatly relieved to have their loved one home. It's an
adjustment for everyone. Months, often years, of anguish and fear are over. As
in the return of the prodigal child, it is a time of great joy.
Not all families are fortunate enough to see the return of their loved one(s). The
group may have isolated the loved one to an unknown place where no contact is
allowed. Some families continue indefinitely to send letters knowing the letters
are screened by the group's leaders. Most families learn early not to send
money, as it is usually turned over to the group. These families can often
benefit from professional counseling to help them cope with their frustration and
despair.
Those families whose member leaves the group can be a source of great support
and encouragement. Through the ups and downs of recovery, the family can be
there with love and-understanding, to listen and empathize. Years of strained
communication can melt away as new memories of love and laughter replace
the years of frustration and anguish.
Pointers
Here are a few pointers which can help families provide a nurturing environment
that simultaneously encourages independence:
• Recognize that recovery can take years. Some damage may be
irreparable.
• Understand, accept, and grieve your own lost time and lost experiences
with loved ones.
• Don't be confrontational. Give the loved one time to let go of his or her
loyalty to the group and its leaders and to acknowledge the deception.
• Do not try to overprotect or control the loved one. Learn to negotiate.
