Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 29
over with someone you trust. Talking it over will also help you stay focused on
the question, if you're having trouble concentrating.
When you've sorted your thoughts and feelings out, then let the person know
what's going on. "I'm not really comfortable answering that question right now.
Maybe we could talk about it later."
It's important to realize that now you can determine your behavior. Yet, it's also
important to help others understand where you're coming from in order to avoid
misunderstandings. It may take time to unlearn unquestioned obedience.
Spouse Involved
The cult tried to recruit you and your spouse. After awhile, you walked away but
your spouse is still involved. The one you love and pledged your life to has
changed almost beyond recognition, certainly beyond reason. You have children
to consider and to protect. What to do?
If you can, consider setting up an intervention. If you are one of the lucky ones,
he or she may be talked out. Involve your family, friends, and the children.
Build a knowledgeable supportive environment for your spouse to come home
to. For many others, however, the involvement of a spouse causes divorce and
a custody battle over the children. If this is your situation, here are some ideas.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Your well-being is critical. (For information on
the legal implications of child custody when a cult is involved see Kandell,
1987/88 and Greene, 1989 noted in the Additional Readings list.)
Avoid a Battleground!
If during the divorce settlement, she got the children avoid a battleground! Get
help from family, friends and a therapist, if needed, on this because it is really
very important to avoid battling. You'll lose and so will the children. Don't
confront her on cult issues. To best negotiate, talk in terms of what she needs
to continue her cult activities. For example, if the children are living with her,
instead of battling to have the children, help her realize that to have more time
to meditate, you will agree to spend additional time with the children and this
will free up her schedule. (See Carnegie, 1936.)
Kids Gotta Love
Children will love their parent whether she is in a cult or not. Accept that the
children need to be able to love their parent and have a relationship with her.
Don't battle with the children or play their love for her against their love for you.
Except for cases of child abuse or neglect, very young children often survive
living with a cult parent reasonably well. You can help give the child the love
and affection the cult parent will be too busy to give. You can discuss mom's
behavior with the child and help him or her understand what is real.
As children get older, they will probably be embarrassed by mom meditating in
over with someone you trust. Talking it over will also help you stay focused on
the question, if you're having trouble concentrating.
When you've sorted your thoughts and feelings out, then let the person know
what's going on. "I'm not really comfortable answering that question right now.
Maybe we could talk about it later."
It's important to realize that now you can determine your behavior. Yet, it's also
important to help others understand where you're coming from in order to avoid
misunderstandings. It may take time to unlearn unquestioned obedience.
Spouse Involved
The cult tried to recruit you and your spouse. After awhile, you walked away but
your spouse is still involved. The one you love and pledged your life to has
changed almost beyond recognition, certainly beyond reason. You have children
to consider and to protect. What to do?
If you can, consider setting up an intervention. If you are one of the lucky ones,
he or she may be talked out. Involve your family, friends, and the children.
Build a knowledgeable supportive environment for your spouse to come home
to. For many others, however, the involvement of a spouse causes divorce and
a custody battle over the children. If this is your situation, here are some ideas.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Your well-being is critical. (For information on
the legal implications of child custody when a cult is involved see Kandell,
1987/88 and Greene, 1989 noted in the Additional Readings list.)
Avoid a Battleground!
If during the divorce settlement, she got the children avoid a battleground! Get
help from family, friends and a therapist, if needed, on this because it is really
very important to avoid battling. You'll lose and so will the children. Don't
confront her on cult issues. To best negotiate, talk in terms of what she needs
to continue her cult activities. For example, if the children are living with her,
instead of battling to have the children, help her realize that to have more time
to meditate, you will agree to spend additional time with the children and this
will free up her schedule. (See Carnegie, 1936.)
Kids Gotta Love
Children will love their parent whether she is in a cult or not. Accept that the
children need to be able to love their parent and have a relationship with her.
Don't battle with the children or play their love for her against their love for you.
Except for cases of child abuse or neglect, very young children often survive
living with a cult parent reasonably well. You can help give the child the love
and affection the cult parent will be too busy to give. You can discuss mom's
behavior with the child and help him or her understand what is real.
As children get older, they will probably be embarrassed by mom meditating in
