Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 29
over with someone you trust. Talking it over will also help you stay focused on
the question, if you're having trouble concentrating.
When you've sorted your thoughts and feelings out, then let the person know
what's going on. "I'm not really comfortable answering that question right now.
Maybe we could talk about it later."
It's important to realize that now you can determine your behavior. Yet, it's also
important to help others understand where you're coming from in order to avoid
misunderstandings. It may take time to unlearn unquestioned obedience.
Spouse Involved
The cult tried to recruit you and your spouse. After awhile, you walked away but
your spouse is still involved. The one you love and pledged your life to has
changed almost beyond recognition, certainly beyond reason. You have children
to consider and to protect. What to do?
If you can, consider setting up an intervention. If you are one of the lucky ones,
he or she may be talked out. Involve your family, friends, and the children.
Build a knowledgeable supportive environment for your spouse to come home
to. For many others, however, the involvement of a spouse causes divorce and
a custody battle over the children. If this is your situation, here are some ideas.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Your well-being is critical. (For information on
the legal implications of child custody when a cult is involved see Kandell,
1987/88 and Greene, 1989 noted in the Additional Readings list.)
Avoid a Battleground!
If during the divorce settlement, she got the children avoid a battleground! Get
help from family, friends and a therapist, if needed, on this because it is really
very important to avoid battling. You'll lose and so will the children. Don't
confront her on cult issues. To best negotiate, talk in terms of what she needs
to continue her cult activities. For example, if the children are living with her,
instead of battling to have the children, help her realize that to have more time
to meditate, you will agree to spend additional time with the children and this
will free up her schedule. (See Carnegie, 1936.)
Kids Gotta Love
Children will love their parent whether she is in a cult or not. Accept that the
children need to be able to love their parent and have a relationship with her.
Don't battle with the children or play their love for her against their love for you.
Except for cases of child abuse or neglect, very young children often survive
living with a cult parent reasonably well. You can help give the child the love
and affection the cult parent will be too busy to give. You can discuss mom's
behavior with the child and help him or her understand what is real.
As children get older, they will probably be embarrassed by mom meditating in

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 30
the family room and not invite friends over during this time or usher their
friends in the side door. Like children of an alcoholic parent, they may get too
good at pushing their embarrassment, confusion, sadness, loneliness, and anger
into the background. You can help them understand and express their feelings.
You will probably need to be the one to bring the subject up.
Talk about mom's behavior and explain that her behavior is not because of the
children but because of her involvement in the cult. For example, when mom
doesn't have any money for a Saturday matinee, explain that it is because mom
gave it to the cult. You can help them fulfill their need to love her and, yet, help
them understand that they do not have to agree with what she is doing.
Sometimes, the situation is not amenable to the suggestions I have made. In
these cases, consult a therapist who understands cults.
You're OK They're OK
The children will often do as well as you do. If you are in turmoil, anger, and
worry, it will make it harder on the children and it will take its toll on you. Use
your energy constructively and have faith in your children. Take care of
yourself! Check out your library for books on children and divorce. Talk out
your feelings with others. There will be hurts and bruises within for your
children, but as long as you can talk with them, you can help them through
these difficult times.
Flashbacks
A flashback is an interruption of the present with an incident from the past. It is
not uncommon to remember sights, sounds, smells, faces, and feelings from
such a powerful and pervasive experience as a cult involvement. Often the
emotions that accompany the flashback or that are stirred up by the flashback
are overwhelming. For example, many of us were told by a group leader that we
would die if we left the group. A flashback of seeing the leader's face could
produce feelings of anxiety and fear, sometimes to the point of immobilization.
Excessive or uncontrollable flashbacks are the signal that professional help is
needed to work out residual underlying fears, phobias, or anxieties.
Flashbacks affected me on only a few occasions, but they were even stirred up
again while writing this handbook many years later. Sounds and faces were the
most reccurring form for me. I'd be walking down the street and a dozen or so
of the faces I walked past would remind me of those I had left behind. Sounds
on the radio, not whole songs but just short phrases of sound, would remind me
of the cult's music and musicians. Flashbacks occurred most frequently when I
was under emotional stress.
The only way I've found to work through these episodes is to talk about them
with someone, preferably another ex-cultist. If I tried to avoid the reality of
these gnats and keep them to myself, I'd get disoriented and frightened. They
could be so persistent. But talking seemed to "let the air out" of them. While
talking, I'd try to pinpoint the underlying feelings I had and work them through.