Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 59
this phenomenon can occur, and encouraging ex-cultists to talk about what they
are feeling or thinking, can defuse a floating situation.
Encourage Open Communication
The loved one won't talk, though, if the environment does not encourage open
discussion. The ex-cultist is highly sensitized to being told what to do and how
to think, even if it is done, subtly. Demonstrate from the first moment the loved
one is home that it's safe to talk here by listening. Don't judge, don't interrupt,
offer opinions or advice, unless it is asked for. Just listen.
Questions as Mental Exercise
When you ask the ex-cultist a question, do not interrupt the answer. Focusing
on a question, formulating the answer, and articulating the answer while
responding to your non-verbal or verbal (`ah,"um') cues may still be difficult for
your loved one. Let the loved one exercise his mental skills by completing this
process from beginning (your question) to end (stating his answer). If the loved
one gets lost and stalls, help him by restating the question. The exercise of
thinking can be as important as or more important than the answer.
Do ask questions about things you don't understand. If the loved one cannot
explain it to your satisfaction, don't push. Give him time. Maybe offer to help
him study that particular question.
As you interact in a non-threatening and nurturing way, you are building a
bridge for ex-cultists from the world they left behind to a new place. The
stronger this bridge is to the new world, the easier the transition is away from
the old one. You are competing with an illusion of total acceptance and total
love. You have one thing the illusion doesn't have, though. You have integrity.
Exercise- Helping Behaviors
Ask the loved one if your behavior is helpful. Ask what you could do differently.
Ask for their help in monitoring the changing of behaviors.
Eggshells and Frustration
You are going to get frustrated and feel inept. Hear me again. You are going to
get very frustrated and feel inept. You are going to feel as if you're walking on
eggshells. Sometimes the loved one will be sullen, sometimes he will explode for
no apparent reason. Or, as my parents did, you will go into her room in the
middle of the night and find her soaked with tears. You will hurt for him and get
very angry at those who have caused your child so much pain. Sometimes you
may want to get argumentative, but don't.
I can promise you, a healthy recovery will take longer than you expect.
Good news, though, to help you through those trying times. There are support
groups for family members, too. The Cult Awareness Network (CAN) has been
helping families for a long time. There may be a local chapter near you. If a CAN
this phenomenon can occur, and encouraging ex-cultists to talk about what they
are feeling or thinking, can defuse a floating situation.
Encourage Open Communication
The loved one won't talk, though, if the environment does not encourage open
discussion. The ex-cultist is highly sensitized to being told what to do and how
to think, even if it is done, subtly. Demonstrate from the first moment the loved
one is home that it's safe to talk here by listening. Don't judge, don't interrupt,
offer opinions or advice, unless it is asked for. Just listen.
Questions as Mental Exercise
When you ask the ex-cultist a question, do not interrupt the answer. Focusing
on a question, formulating the answer, and articulating the answer while
responding to your non-verbal or verbal (`ah,"um') cues may still be difficult for
your loved one. Let the loved one exercise his mental skills by completing this
process from beginning (your question) to end (stating his answer). If the loved
one gets lost and stalls, help him by restating the question. The exercise of
thinking can be as important as or more important than the answer.
Do ask questions about things you don't understand. If the loved one cannot
explain it to your satisfaction, don't push. Give him time. Maybe offer to help
him study that particular question.
As you interact in a non-threatening and nurturing way, you are building a
bridge for ex-cultists from the world they left behind to a new place. The
stronger this bridge is to the new world, the easier the transition is away from
the old one. You are competing with an illusion of total acceptance and total
love. You have one thing the illusion doesn't have, though. You have integrity.
Exercise- Helping Behaviors
Ask the loved one if your behavior is helpful. Ask what you could do differently.
Ask for their help in monitoring the changing of behaviors.
Eggshells and Frustration
You are going to get frustrated and feel inept. Hear me again. You are going to
get very frustrated and feel inept. You are going to feel as if you're walking on
eggshells. Sometimes the loved one will be sullen, sometimes he will explode for
no apparent reason. Or, as my parents did, you will go into her room in the
middle of the night and find her soaked with tears. You will hurt for him and get
very angry at those who have caused your child so much pain. Sometimes you
may want to get argumentative, but don't.
I can promise you, a healthy recovery will take longer than you expect.
Good news, though, to help you through those trying times. There are support
groups for family members, too. The Cult Awareness Network (CAN) has been
helping families for a long time. There may be a local chapter near you. If a CAN
