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this phenomenon can occur, and encouraging ex-cultists to talk about what they
are feeling or thinking, can defuse a floating situation.
Encourage Open Communication
The loved one won't talk, though, if the environment does not encourage open
discussion. The ex-cultist is highly sensitized to being told what to do and how
to think, even if it is done, subtly. Demonstrate from the first moment the loved
one is home that it's safe to talk here by listening. Don't judge, don't interrupt,
offer opinions or advice, unless it is asked for. Just listen.
Questions as Mental Exercise
When you ask the ex-cultist a question, do not interrupt the answer. Focusing
on a question, formulating the answer, and articulating the answer while
responding to your non-verbal or verbal (`ah,"um') cues may still be difficult for
your loved one. Let the loved one exercise his mental skills by completing this
process from beginning (your question) to end (stating his answer). If the loved
one gets lost and stalls, help him by restating the question. The exercise of
thinking can be as important as or more important than the answer.
Do ask questions about things you don't understand. If the loved one cannot
explain it to your satisfaction, don't push. Give him time. Maybe offer to help
him study that particular question.
As you interact in a non-threatening and nurturing way, you are building a
bridge for ex-cultists from the world they left behind to a new place. The
stronger this bridge is to the new world, the easier the transition is away from
the old one. You are competing with an illusion of total acceptance and total
love. You have one thing the illusion doesn't have, though. You have integrity.
Exercise- Helping Behaviors
Ask the loved one if your behavior is helpful. Ask what you could do differently.
Ask for their help in monitoring the changing of behaviors.
Eggshells and Frustration
You are going to get frustrated and feel inept. Hear me again. You are going to
get very frustrated and feel inept. You are going to feel as if you're walking on
eggshells. Sometimes the loved one will be sullen, sometimes he will explode for
no apparent reason. Or, as my parents did, you will go into her room in the
middle of the night and find her soaked with tears. You will hurt for him and get
very angry at those who have caused your child so much pain. Sometimes you
may want to get argumentative, but don't.
I can promise you, a healthy recovery will take longer than you expect.
Good news, though, to help you through those trying times. There are support
groups for family members, too. The Cult Awareness Network (CAN) has been
helping families for a long time. There may be a local chapter near you. If a CAN

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support group is not near you, consider a church support group, or a trauma or
rape support group for families. The issues are often very similar, and you need
support systems, too.
My Loved One Was Fooled
Yes, he was. That may be embarrassing for you. It is embarrassing for him, too.
He was fooled, and it cost both of you. Is he still credible? If he got tricked
once, won't he get tricked again? You ask that question of him and he responds
with a hearty "no way."
Still, you're not sure. He's been home several months now, but you decide to
keep an eye on him for awhile longer. "It's for his own good," you tell yourself.
How do you think your adult loved one feels knowing you're doing this?
A Critical Difference
You have made poor choices, but you managed to spring back. Why? Because
you had something you're assuming the ex-cultist had, but did not. This missing
piece is the reason you could spring back after being tricked and he could not.
You had the freedom to reason. Your loved one did not. As bizarre as this may
sound, unbeknownst to your loved one, inhibitors were placed in his mind which
prevented the mind from reasoning. These inhibitors were reinforced by the
cult's teachings and activities. Without the ability to reason, he could not leave.
You may have a hard time grasping this because it stands in stark contrast to
the myth of America, the Land of the Free, and our macho images of John
Wayne and George Patton. But the cults have managed to capitalize on the
human condition and on the limitations of our socialization processes. The cults
have developed a methodology that can control people remotely. It's scary, but
it's manageable.
Know the Force
If you are embarrassed by your loved one's involvement in a cult, you need to
understand the power of these psychological forces better. Once you do, you
won't be embarrassed, but you will be accepting, forgiving, and supportive. You
won't doubt his credibility because you will understand the forces that controlled
him. Now that those forces are being dismantled, the loved one's autonomy and
self-direction are returning. He has credibility.
To understand mind control is to recognize your own vulnerability. For many
weak parents, accepting their own vulnerability is too frightening. They cling to
their myths of power and control, insisting that their child could have and should
have known better than to get involved with the cult. They see this experience
as a weakness in their child, instead of a reality of the human condition. They
alienate their child and load a difficult recovery process with unnecessary guilt
and shame. Don't be one of these parents!!