Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 55
gap of lost years with their loved one exists.
Families can be caught in a tricky position. In the same way that an ex-cultist
wants to reclaim those lost years and the moments that could have been, so the
family wants to reclaim those lost moments, too. The cult stole time, love, and
laughter not only from the ex-cultist, but from the ex-cultist's family as well.
This is a real loss that should be grieved.
If the family is unconsciously asking to recapture those lost years, this puts too
much pressure on the ex-cultist, and it is unrealistic. Whether you are a parent
or stepparent who had a child or grandchild in the cult, a child who had a parent
or grandparent in a cult, a sibling or friend, it is important to realize that it's
okay to want to recapture those lost moments, but you can't.
Let go, grieve the loss, and start anew.
Exercise– What I Wanted for You
List four goals not yet realized that you wanted for your child. By what age
would your child have accomplished each goal? Given what you know now, is
each goal still appropriate? Write down how the cult experience has affected the
reaching of each goal for your child. How has the cult experience helped? Grieve
the loss or delay of any of these goals.
What would be the advantage of discussing this exercise with your loved one?
What does your child think about these goals? To what extent are your goals
motivated by concern and respect and to what extent are they motivated by a
desire to control? Can you let go of inappropriate goals?
Accept the Changes
It's hard when a friend or family member who was close to you now is physically
and emotionally distant. He is alone with his pain and you can't reach him. It
can help to realize that like a veteran returning from a war, he has been
somewhere you have not been, exposed to horrors of a trauma you can only
imagine. For all your years of experience, you have not been in his war. You did
not lose the time, friends, and dreams that he lost. But you still lost something.
You lost your loved one the way he used to be. He is back, but he will never be
who he was. Healing will mean integrating the pain he has known. This will
change him. It should change you, too. You and your family can demonstrate
your love by accepting the changes this experience has caused. This may mean
letting go of what you wanted him to be.
Integration Takes Time
Some of those years included key developmental periods for both the loved one
and the family. Events, which would have helped the family let go of the loved
one and the loved one let go of the family, did not happen. Because of this, both
family and loved one can be stunted or "on hold" developmentally in some key
ways.
On the other hand, ex-cultists have been exposed to experiences that have

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 56
matured them beyond their years, such as leadership responsibilities and sexual
activity. The very reality of having been ideologically and psychologically raped
has catapulted ex-cultists to a developmental space inconsistent with their
years.
This mismatch of years and experiences takes very hard work to integrate into a
unified whole. Let it take time.
Exercise- Expectations
Write down all the expectations you have of your loved one for the first year of
recovery. Now, write down all your expectations for the second and third years
of recovery. Discuss these expectations with a friend who has been traumatized
and recovered or someone knowledgeable about trauma. How realistic are your
expectations? Modify your expectations and review them with your friend.
Missed Events
Some ex-cultists, because of the constraints of the cult, missed critical life
events with their families and friends, such as births, deaths, marriages,
religious observances, and graduations. Even though ex-cultists are not fully
responsible for not having attended these events, it helps to hear that they have
been forgiven. Discuss it with them. Let them know you still love and respect
them and that you understand it was the cult that kept them from sharing these
key family events. They also need to forgive themselves. Both the families and
ex-cultists need to grieve the loss of not having shared these events.
Basic Skills
Also lost to the ex-cultists were the opportunities to develop basic self-
management skills, such as:
1. Finding an apartment. These skills might include:
a. Arranging for gas, oil, electricity, phone, water
b. Interviewing and contracting with a landlord
c. Managing neighbor and roommate conflicts
2. Finding transportation. These skills might include:
a. Deciphering bus, subway, and train schedules
b. Getting a driver's license
c. Buying and maintaining a vehicle
d. Processing an insurance application or claim
e. Processing registration and excise tax forms
3. Finding a job. These skills might include:
a. Writing a resume