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Chapter 2:
Phase Two-Understanding and Feeling
All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.
-Unknown
Phase One is usually a dawning process of several days or months, possibly
years. Phase Two, however, is full of ups and downs. It can span months or
years depending on many of the factors noted in the Introduction. Because I
was also dealing with a rape and with codependency issues related to my family
background, Phase Two for me has taken about eight years. It is my hope that
sharing my struggles and ideas with you will help to shorten your recovery. (See
Branden, 1971 Bridges, 1980 Hassan, 1988 Langone, 1993 Singer, 1979
Stoner and Kisser, 1992 Whitfield, 1987.)
It is my belief that it doesn't have to take that long. With more counselors
trained about cults, more recovered ex-cultists articulating their experiences,
and more information available on recovery, this phase may take much less
time. If you are a victim of rape or incest, are obsessive/compulsive,
codependent and/or a substance abuser or otherwise troubled, you will need to
address and integrate these issues as well for a full recovery. (See Vaughan,
1982 Whitfield, 1987 Woititz, 1983.)
Reconnecting with Family and Friends
What do you do when you've been on another planet for up to 20 years or more
and you've just returned home? You feel like Rip Van Winkle. Everyone you
know, if they are even still around, is older and at a different place in life.
Family and friends are often further along in their education and/or career. They
may be married, divorced, own a home, or run a business. Not only may you
feel like a freak for having been in a cult, but you may feel inadequate when
looking at the accomplishments of an old chum.
Looking Foolish
What if you tried to recruit the friend? You may feel embarrassed and
apologetic. What if you threatened him with eternal damnation for not having
embraced "the truth"? Well, you eat crow. You learn how to apologize, explain,
ask for help, and laugh at yourself. I've been so embarrassed by the cult
experience and the phobias it left in me that I feel permanently humbled. I'm
not afraid to look foolish anymore, at least about the cult experience.
I tried to recruit Jean, my long-time best friend. The only reason she didn't
follow me in was that she didn't have the money for the introductory class.
Thank goodness. She had missed having me around all those years I was off
"saving the world," missed having her old friend around to talk things out with. I

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felt guilty, sad, and angry at the time we'd lost. I explained that I had been
tricked, and she understood. Sometimes, she'd ask me about the cult
experience or why I didn't leave, and we'd talk. It was great to have her around
when I came home even though I didn't feel as if I knew her very well, having
been gone for so many years. No other friends were left.
visiting to Fill the Void
I'd missed other things, too. I'd missed my brothers' football games, and proms,
ski trips with family and friends, and birthdays. The cult had stolen these things
from me and there was a hole inside of me. For awhile, it seemed as if nothing
could fill that hole. It was as if there was this huge gap between who I was the
day I was recruited and who I was the day I left. Either alone or with friends, it
did help to revisit people and places I had known before my cult experience.
Revisiting helped to close that gap. It helped me to bridge backward so the
present was more stable and connected, more integrated.
Missed Events
Some ex-cultists, because of the constraints of the cult, missed critical life
events with families and friends, such as births, deaths, marriages, religious
observances, and graduations. Remember, it was the psychological controls and
demands of the cult that kept you from participating in these events. Thus, it
may help you to discuss this loss with the family and to hear that the family has
forgiven you. Forgive yourself, too, and grieve the loss of not having been a part
of these events. You handled your responsibilities as best you could under mind
control. Blame the cult, not yourself.
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
For some ex-cultists who go home after exiting the cult, it's good to be back
among loved ones. For others, the cult with all its lies offered them more than
the family has. Returning home can be a mixed experience. Some families can
understand mind control and accept and forgive what happened. Others
continue to judge and try to control the loved one. Some families try to bury the
experience, refusing to discuss what happened. These behaviors can be
extremely destructive to a healthy recovery.
You need to evaluate your family's ability to understand what happened to you.
If they cannot understand and be supportive, you need to grieve this loss of
love and let go of expecting them to change. They may never be able to
understand and accept what happened to you. It may simply be too threatening
to them.
It can also be terrifying to let go of expectations of your family when you have
already let go of the cults, but there are other support systems available to you.
You need to take some time to identify them and evaluate whether they are
good support systems for you. Support groups are listed in the telephone
directory or are available by calling a local medical center, hospital, or your
doctor. FOCUS specifically addresses the needs of ex-cultists.
As painful as it is to come to terms with a family's lack of acceptance and