Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 49
advertisers, and many salespeople. We are inundated with the message "do it
now and be acceptable." Well, you can say "no" now. You can say "I want to go
away and think it over, talk it over with someone more knowledgeable."
Some ex-cultists go through great anguish at first trying to make decisions. For
years, someone else has guided them and told them what to think, say, eat,
and do. Afterwards, even choosing a tube of toothpaste can be embarrassingly
confusing and debilitating. You can use any decision to develop, regain, and
practice good thorough decision-making skills.
An Example-Buying Toothpaste
Let's use the toothpaste as an example of how to think something
through. Use who, what, when, where, why, and how (remember these from
Phase One?). Here are some steps:
1. First, clarify why you're doing something. Buying toothpaste for a diabetic
friend will be different, probably, from buying it for yourself.
2. Second, determine the decision-making criteria by asking questions, such
as:
• How much to buy?
• What color should it be?
• Should it be in environmentally friendly packaging?
• Should it be in a screw top or push button container?
• What should the ingredients contain or not contain?
• How much to spend?
• Does the person have a favorite brand or would they like to try
something new?
3. Third, make a decision. You may only be able to narrow the choices down
and start the process over again. Or you may have enough information to
decide. If you are having trouble deciding, don't let someone push you
into a decision. Take your time, stay with it, and you will be able to figure
out what to do, even if it is to toss a coin.
4. Fourth, once you have decided, go for it. You might need a plan to go
purchase it, but you can figure that out, too. If at first you feel
overwhelmed, break the process up into small chunks, such as:
• Pull out the money
• Choose the store
• Go to the store
• Purchase the product
• Return home
• Wrap the gift
advertisers, and many salespeople. We are inundated with the message "do it
now and be acceptable." Well, you can say "no" now. You can say "I want to go
away and think it over, talk it over with someone more knowledgeable."
Some ex-cultists go through great anguish at first trying to make decisions. For
years, someone else has guided them and told them what to think, say, eat,
and do. Afterwards, even choosing a tube of toothpaste can be embarrassingly
confusing and debilitating. You can use any decision to develop, regain, and
practice good thorough decision-making skills.
An Example-Buying Toothpaste
Let's use the toothpaste as an example of how to think something
through. Use who, what, when, where, why, and how (remember these from
Phase One?). Here are some steps:
1. First, clarify why you're doing something. Buying toothpaste for a diabetic
friend will be different, probably, from buying it for yourself.
2. Second, determine the decision-making criteria by asking questions, such
as:
• How much to buy?
• What color should it be?
• Should it be in environmentally friendly packaging?
• Should it be in a screw top or push button container?
• What should the ingredients contain or not contain?
• How much to spend?
• Does the person have a favorite brand or would they like to try
something new?
3. Third, make a decision. You may only be able to narrow the choices down
and start the process over again. Or you may have enough information to
decide. If you are having trouble deciding, don't let someone push you
into a decision. Take your time, stay with it, and you will be able to figure
out what to do, even if it is to toss a coin.
4. Fourth, once you have decided, go for it. You might need a plan to go
purchase it, but you can figure that out, too. If at first you feel
overwhelmed, break the process up into small chunks, such as:
• Pull out the money
• Choose the store
• Go to the store
• Purchase the product
• Return home
• Wrap the gift
