Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 34
Helping Others Out
Leaving others behind is a hard issue to reconcile yourself to in such a way that
you do not merely cut off your feelings. Some ex-cultists spend some period of
time reaching back into the cult to try and get others out. This is normal and if
handled wisely can be a very healing process. Others cannot risk it because of
the possibility of harassment and brutal retaliation by the cult. Some ex-cultists
cannot let go of this phase of recovery. They get stuck in having to help others
get out and it consumes them. It is okay not to rescue everyone left behind. You
have to give yourself permission to let go.
Instant Friends, Instant Enemies
When I got out of the cult, I tried to help those I knew who were still involved.
So, I wrote a letter-a short, simple letter-which suggested that it was okay to
ask questions, that God wanted us to ask questions, and that the cult was not
what it appeared to be. I sent this letter to everyone in the cult whose address I
could find. A couple of people wrote back and asked me what had happened. A
long-time friend wrote "send me no more of these letters filled with the hateful
bitterness of Satan." This hurt a great deal.
I had to face the painful fact that since I was no longer one of them, I was an
untrustworthy outsider. As instantly as those friendships had been made, they
were broken. Flashbacks of their faces painfully reminded me of this sad truth.
As I felt the pain of their rejection, I also realized the suffering I had caused to
others, when while still involved I had rejected those who had left the cult
before me.
Getting Healthy to Help Others
The approach I have taken, which enables me to get through each day knowing
of the destruction the cults are wreaking on those left behind, has been to trust
that someday others will be freed as I have been. I know this isn't true for
everyone. Many lives are ruined and others die. I have had to realize my
limitations and acknowledge that I cannot help everyone. I cannot save the
world anymore. I decided to put the energy of that grief and guilt into healing
myself. Since I can't help everyone get out, then I will be a healthy ex-cultist
and help those who have left. So, I work to be as healthy as I can to help the
few that I can.
Names and faces have filtered through my thoughts over the years and I have
prayed for life to watch over them. When people have asked me for help, I have
tried to be there for them, balancing my needs with theirs. It isn't easy, and I
can't always give. In the sorrow and guilt of leaving others on the battlefield, I
realized why there is this idea of heaven, a perfect place where no one hurts
and all the injustices suffered on earth are recompensed. It's a nice idea.
The cults tell you that you can have anything in life and that you can always
win. This is a lie in or out of the cult and nowhere is this lie more painful to
realize than in recognizing you cannot help everyone out of the cult. Life is
imperfect and you have limitations. This is another loss-the myth of always
Helping Others Out
Leaving others behind is a hard issue to reconcile yourself to in such a way that
you do not merely cut off your feelings. Some ex-cultists spend some period of
time reaching back into the cult to try and get others out. This is normal and if
handled wisely can be a very healing process. Others cannot risk it because of
the possibility of harassment and brutal retaliation by the cult. Some ex-cultists
cannot let go of this phase of recovery. They get stuck in having to help others
get out and it consumes them. It is okay not to rescue everyone left behind. You
have to give yourself permission to let go.
Instant Friends, Instant Enemies
When I got out of the cult, I tried to help those I knew who were still involved.
So, I wrote a letter-a short, simple letter-which suggested that it was okay to
ask questions, that God wanted us to ask questions, and that the cult was not
what it appeared to be. I sent this letter to everyone in the cult whose address I
could find. A couple of people wrote back and asked me what had happened. A
long-time friend wrote "send me no more of these letters filled with the hateful
bitterness of Satan." This hurt a great deal.
I had to face the painful fact that since I was no longer one of them, I was an
untrustworthy outsider. As instantly as those friendships had been made, they
were broken. Flashbacks of their faces painfully reminded me of this sad truth.
As I felt the pain of their rejection, I also realized the suffering I had caused to
others, when while still involved I had rejected those who had left the cult
before me.
Getting Healthy to Help Others
The approach I have taken, which enables me to get through each day knowing
of the destruction the cults are wreaking on those left behind, has been to trust
that someday others will be freed as I have been. I know this isn't true for
everyone. Many lives are ruined and others die. I have had to realize my
limitations and acknowledge that I cannot help everyone. I cannot save the
world anymore. I decided to put the energy of that grief and guilt into healing
myself. Since I can't help everyone get out, then I will be a healthy ex-cultist
and help those who have left. So, I work to be as healthy as I can to help the
few that I can.
Names and faces have filtered through my thoughts over the years and I have
prayed for life to watch over them. When people have asked me for help, I have
tried to be there for them, balancing my needs with theirs. It isn't easy, and I
can't always give. In the sorrow and guilt of leaving others on the battlefield, I
realized why there is this idea of heaven, a perfect place where no one hurts
and all the injustices suffered on earth are recompensed. It's a nice idea.
The cults tell you that you can have anything in life and that you can always
win. This is a lie in or out of the cult and nowhere is this lie more painful to
realize than in recognizing you cannot help everyone out of the cult. Life is
imperfect and you have limitations. This is another loss-the myth of always
