Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 36
Dating
Dating was a very controlled and often prescribed experience in my group.
Fellow groupies were often referred to as "brother" and "sister."
Such relationships made it easier to keep sexual hormones in check. In many
cults, mates were assigned by the leaders or mates came only from a select
subgroup within the cult.
For many, it was a relief once in the cult not to have to deal with getting a date.
The instant brother/sister relationships or assigned partners took away all the
anxiety that many of us face when finding a companion. In addition, physical
intimacy was often controlled and often not allowed. Now, how does a person
get a date and how does one behave on a date?
Behaviors
The same thoughtful, respectful, and honest behaviors that contribute to
making and maintaining friendships are the cornerstone of dating, too. Let your
intentions be known. Be honest. There are times when all a person wants is
quick safe sex. If that's what you want, admit it to yourself and to your date.
Remember, though, that you and your date may not be as able to discuss
intentions as is needed. So, take it slow, practice, and be caring and alert.
There are many ways to identify someone with whom you'd like to spend more
time. Generally, when you're doing what you like to do and having a good time,
you'll attract and meet people. Try new activities, join a local bird watchers or
hiking club, ask your friends for contacts. There are dating services, personal
ads in newspapers and magazines, electronic computer dating conferences and,
my favorite, the Classical Music Lovers Exchange.
Be wise and be careful. Don't get into a car with someone you don't know well.
Don't meet someone in a secluded place, if you don't know him well. Have your
friends "check him out." Take your time.
Relationships
To establish a friendship, take time to get to know the person, his or her
interests and ideas. It helps, and makes it easier, if you have taken the time to
know yourself first. If you are uncomfortable, why not share that information
with your date as you would a friend? When you are comfortable, so will your
date be and you'll both have a better time together. It's going to take practice.
You're going to feel awkward at times. Don't worry about making mistakes.
Talk honestly and listen carefully to what your date says and doesn't say. Ask
questions. Practice safe sex when and if that's on the menu.
Sex
Each ex-cultist was exposed to different experiences and information about sex
while in the cult. Some were very isolated from any information about sex and
Dating
Dating was a very controlled and often prescribed experience in my group.
Fellow groupies were often referred to as "brother" and "sister."
Such relationships made it easier to keep sexual hormones in check. In many
cults, mates were assigned by the leaders or mates came only from a select
subgroup within the cult.
For many, it was a relief once in the cult not to have to deal with getting a date.
The instant brother/sister relationships or assigned partners took away all the
anxiety that many of us face when finding a companion. In addition, physical
intimacy was often controlled and often not allowed. Now, how does a person
get a date and how does one behave on a date?
Behaviors
The same thoughtful, respectful, and honest behaviors that contribute to
making and maintaining friendships are the cornerstone of dating, too. Let your
intentions be known. Be honest. There are times when all a person wants is
quick safe sex. If that's what you want, admit it to yourself and to your date.
Remember, though, that you and your date may not be as able to discuss
intentions as is needed. So, take it slow, practice, and be caring and alert.
There are many ways to identify someone with whom you'd like to spend more
time. Generally, when you're doing what you like to do and having a good time,
you'll attract and meet people. Try new activities, join a local bird watchers or
hiking club, ask your friends for contacts. There are dating services, personal
ads in newspapers and magazines, electronic computer dating conferences and,
my favorite, the Classical Music Lovers Exchange.
Be wise and be careful. Don't get into a car with someone you don't know well.
Don't meet someone in a secluded place, if you don't know him well. Have your
friends "check him out." Take your time.
Relationships
To establish a friendship, take time to get to know the person, his or her
interests and ideas. It helps, and makes it easier, if you have taken the time to
know yourself first. If you are uncomfortable, why not share that information
with your date as you would a friend? When you are comfortable, so will your
date be and you'll both have a better time together. It's going to take practice.
You're going to feel awkward at times. Don't worry about making mistakes.
Talk honestly and listen carefully to what your date says and doesn't say. Ask
questions. Practice safe sex when and if that's on the menu.
Sex
Each ex-cultist was exposed to different experiences and information about sex
while in the cult. Some were very isolated from any information about sex and
