Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 25
support, when you are ready, grieve and let go. Don't waste what energy you
do have for recovery trying to make the deaf hear.
Exercise- Family Assessment
List those in your family and extended family who are available for support.
What is it about each person that can be helpful to you? What are their
strengths (example: empathetic, fun to be with, good thinker)? What
weaknesses does each have that might make it difficult cult for you to interact
with them (example: impatient, judgmental)?
Making New Friends
If you were not very good at making friends before you were recruited into the
cult, you may have trouble still. Others did so much recruiting and teaching that
they are now very comfortable talking to strangers. The hardest part of making
new friends for most ex-cultists is threefold:
1. Trusting anyone ever again
2. Explaining the cult experience
3. Letting it take time
Ex-cultists who have spent most of their life within a cult will need to learn the
basic social skills of making friends and interacting with people. How to interact
with people when not recruiting them? How to accept a request for a date or
how to ask someone out on a date? How to know what you need and to
negotiate for what is appropriate for you within relationships?
One of the problems with making friends is that in most cults everyone had
been an instant friend, an instant brother and sister, an instant family. (The
instant, perfect family-marketing the cult as a fast fix in a fast-food society.)
But relationships are not formed instantly in the real world and for very good
reasons. Not everyone is trustworthy to the same degree. Not everyone needs
friendship in the same way. Not everyone sees their responsibility in a
friendship the same way. In the real world, people can be very different. The
challenge in making new friends is to assess the differences, and this takes
time.
Build Trust Slowly
It can be very hard to trust people after you have been so betrayed by the cult.
It's helpful and important to realize, though, that in a real friendship you build
trust with someone. This is a very different idea from the instant-fix idea of the
cults. Building something takes time. Building trust means that you trust a little
bit at a time and then check that your trust is being honored and returned by
the other person. Then you trust a little more, check trust a little more, check,
etc.
If you're lonely and in pain from the experience, which often happens, the
support, when you are ready, grieve and let go. Don't waste what energy you
do have for recovery trying to make the deaf hear.
Exercise- Family Assessment
List those in your family and extended family who are available for support.
What is it about each person that can be helpful to you? What are their
strengths (example: empathetic, fun to be with, good thinker)? What
weaknesses does each have that might make it difficult cult for you to interact
with them (example: impatient, judgmental)?
Making New Friends
If you were not very good at making friends before you were recruited into the
cult, you may have trouble still. Others did so much recruiting and teaching that
they are now very comfortable talking to strangers. The hardest part of making
new friends for most ex-cultists is threefold:
1. Trusting anyone ever again
2. Explaining the cult experience
3. Letting it take time
Ex-cultists who have spent most of their life within a cult will need to learn the
basic social skills of making friends and interacting with people. How to interact
with people when not recruiting them? How to accept a request for a date or
how to ask someone out on a date? How to know what you need and to
negotiate for what is appropriate for you within relationships?
One of the problems with making friends is that in most cults everyone had
been an instant friend, an instant brother and sister, an instant family. (The
instant, perfect family-marketing the cult as a fast fix in a fast-food society.)
But relationships are not formed instantly in the real world and for very good
reasons. Not everyone is trustworthy to the same degree. Not everyone needs
friendship in the same way. Not everyone sees their responsibility in a
friendship the same way. In the real world, people can be very different. The
challenge in making new friends is to assess the differences, and this takes
time.
Build Trust Slowly
It can be very hard to trust people after you have been so betrayed by the cult.
It's helpful and important to realize, though, that in a real friendship you build
trust with someone. This is a very different idea from the instant-fix idea of the
cults. Building something takes time. Building trust means that you trust a little
bit at a time and then check that your trust is being honored and returned by
the other person. Then you trust a little more, check trust a little more, check,
etc.
If you're lonely and in pain from the experience, which often happens, the
