Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 35
being in control, of having total power. When you are ready, you need to grieve
the loss of not being able to help everyone and then move on.
Where Is This on the Gray Scale?
Cults are totalistic societies where how you think is reshaped into merely
accepting the group's teachings. There is no "gray" in these teachings. They are
black or white and accepting them is either all or nothing. All of life is as the cult
has defined it. There is no middle ground. There are no shades of gray. There is
a false security in this type of logic, a false comfort of thinking you're right and
other people are wrong.
To help to dismantle this all-or-nothing thinking, I began to ask myself when
confronted with a question or problem, "where is this on the gray scale?" This
question became a favorite one of mine and was very helpful as I struggled to
undo seven years in a black-and-white world and 17 years in an overbearing
family. I found that life is full of shades of gray. To reinforce the point to myself,
I wandered into a redecorating store one day and looked at the number of paint
samples from white to gray to black. There were dozens of shades of color. I
saw so clearly that, indeed, there is more to life than black or white.
Practice a Sliding Scale
You can practice finding the gray in any question. For example, "should I have
one piece of toast or two?" Why not one and a half? "Should I go to the concert
or stay at home?" Why not go to the concert and leave early if you decide you
want to? "Should I be happy or sad?" Why not somewhere in between? In
between can seem strange after so many years in a black-and-white world, but
you can learn to tolerate and feel safe with gray. Try saying "I can be safe even
if I don't have all the answers or know someone who does."
Getting Comfortable with Ambiguity
Ambiguity was not tolerated in the cults. You're either one of "us" or one of
"them." You are either in the cult mind set or you are out of alignment. There
was no such thing as a little bit this way or that. No gray was allowed. Many of
us were fried by this intensity. Thoughts and feelings having no room for
expression were sent into a deep freeze. Many people, who have never been in
cults, are similarly locked up.
But life is full of ambiguity. Life is full of color and each color has a wide range
of shades. Getting used to ambiguity takes time. As you become comfortable
with gray, a much more colorful world will open up to you-more colorful and
more complex.
In time you can learn to handle complex and ambiguous questions. It can be
scary at first to live where the answers are not clear and quick. Part of getting
comfortable with gray answers involves learning decision-making skills and then
gaining experience in using these skills. (See Decision-Making.)
being in control, of having total power. When you are ready, you need to grieve
the loss of not being able to help everyone and then move on.
Where Is This on the Gray Scale?
Cults are totalistic societies where how you think is reshaped into merely
accepting the group's teachings. There is no "gray" in these teachings. They are
black or white and accepting them is either all or nothing. All of life is as the cult
has defined it. There is no middle ground. There are no shades of gray. There is
a false security in this type of logic, a false comfort of thinking you're right and
other people are wrong.
To help to dismantle this all-or-nothing thinking, I began to ask myself when
confronted with a question or problem, "where is this on the gray scale?" This
question became a favorite one of mine and was very helpful as I struggled to
undo seven years in a black-and-white world and 17 years in an overbearing
family. I found that life is full of shades of gray. To reinforce the point to myself,
I wandered into a redecorating store one day and looked at the number of paint
samples from white to gray to black. There were dozens of shades of color. I
saw so clearly that, indeed, there is more to life than black or white.
Practice a Sliding Scale
You can practice finding the gray in any question. For example, "should I have
one piece of toast or two?" Why not one and a half? "Should I go to the concert
or stay at home?" Why not go to the concert and leave early if you decide you
want to? "Should I be happy or sad?" Why not somewhere in between? In
between can seem strange after so many years in a black-and-white world, but
you can learn to tolerate and feel safe with gray. Try saying "I can be safe even
if I don't have all the answers or know someone who does."
Getting Comfortable with Ambiguity
Ambiguity was not tolerated in the cults. You're either one of "us" or one of
"them." You are either in the cult mind set or you are out of alignment. There
was no such thing as a little bit this way or that. No gray was allowed. Many of
us were fried by this intensity. Thoughts and feelings having no room for
expression were sent into a deep freeze. Many people, who have never been in
cults, are similarly locked up.
But life is full of ambiguity. Life is full of color and each color has a wide range
of shades. Getting used to ambiguity takes time. As you become comfortable
with gray, a much more colorful world will open up to you-more colorful and
more complex.
In time you can learn to handle complex and ambiguous questions. It can be
scary at first to live where the answers are not clear and quick. Part of getting
comfortable with gray answers involves learning decision-making skills and then
gaining experience in using these skills. (See Decision-Making.)
