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Exercise- Self-Assessment
Try asking yourself the following questions and writing down the answers: What
activities can I do well? What skills do I have? Which feelings can I hear well?
Which thinking faculties are strong (for example, listening assessment,
perception, reason)? What are my strengths at work? With friends? At school?
At home? What areas need improvement? How could I improve these areas?
Give details and timeframes.
Remember, you are worth the effort. You can learn to make good decisions.
Stick with it. You can do it.
Hang in there! Remember, "steady as she goes."
Going Back to School
To learn new skills, test expectations, and stimulate the mind try going back to
school. I went back to finish my B.A. I looked around for something at night
that I could afford and someone suggested Harvard's Extension University.
"Who, me? At Harvard? You've got to be kidding!" But when I found it cost less
than other local colleges, I decided to bite the bullet. Five years later, I walked
through the yard in my graduation gown laughing at the cult and awfully darn
proud of me.
The most wonderful thing happened to me there, I rediscovered the wonder and
excitement of learning and of thinking. It was very stimulating and very hard,
but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself, not only as an ex-cultist
but also as a woman.
There are many local adult education courses offered these days, many for
credit toward a degree. If you decide to give it a try, I suggest that the first
class or two be on a subject that really turns you on. Try not to get bogged
down in the "shoulds." Let the first class be just for fun.
Because so many of us have lost so much time while in the cult, the temptation
is to jump right into trying to catch up. But, I'd really like to suggest that the
first course be just for fun-sort of "rev the engines." There is such a sense of
hopelessness that can drag you down during recovery that it can be very
healing to get excited about "Brazilian Rainforests," "Quantum Mechanics," "Bill
Shakespeare" or whatever subject turns you on. (Those in support positions to
the ex-cultist need to back off with the "shoulds" here.)
Exercise- Learning Assessment
Think about a time when you had a lot of fun learning something. What did you
learn? How did you learn it? What made it fun? Think about a painful learning
experience. What did you learn? How did you (have to) learn it? What made it
painful? Write down what makes learning fun for you. How can you structure
future learning events so they are fun?
Learning Styles
Recently, I've learned something really quite interesting while at work. It is that

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 48
different people have different styles or orientations toward learning. Some
people are more abstract and conceptual as learners. Others are more concrete
and analytical. Some ask "why?" while others more often approach with "how?"
Still others ask "if, then?" and some ask "what?".
Not everyone learns in the same way. Unfortunately, our school systems and
textbooks are designed to accommodate only a couple of the many learning
styles. That's why some people had such a hard time in school despite being
smart. If you were one of those people, check out the library or a legitimate
evaluation program to learn how to structure the learning process to better fit
with your style.
If you suspect you might have a learning disability, such as dyslexia, remedial
help is available. Check with your health care provider or state agency for more
information on where to get testing and help. If testing is a loaded issue for
you, use the buddy system (see The Buddy System).
Exercise- Learning Styles
If you are learning in a group situation, how does your learning style add to the
group learning experience? How does it complement other learning styles? How
might it clash with other learning styles? (Example: in learning a new cam
game, some people do well to sit quietly and read about the game thoroughly
before playing. Others prefer to watch someone else play first. Others prefer to
start playing and learn as they go.)
Decision-Making
A key skill to learn for life is how to make a good decision. How do you figure
out what action to take or not to take in any given situation? If God or whoever
is not providing you with the answer and if the cult leader(s) is not telling you
what to do, how do you figure out what's the best thing to do?
Resources
You make decisions based on information from resources. Those resources
should include your own knowledge and reasoning as well as other sources. To
make a sound decision you need to determine if you have enough information
and if that information comes from valid sources. Sometimes checking resources
involves a lot of work.
Had I checked out the cult more thoroughly, I would have turned and walked
away at the first encounter. I wouldn't have listened. I suspect if someone had
told you the cult used sophisticated psychological controls you would not have
listened further either. But digging out information and thinking it through takes
time and effort and most people do not do it very well.
Impulsive Decisions
Most people are impulsive decision makers not well-reasoned or well-thought-
out decision makers. Impulsive decision-making is encouraged by the media,