Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 17
cult in 1980.
Insufficient Understanding
Even when I warn families about the problem of insufficient understanding, they
still don't study enough. Why? Possibly because studying is hard work. Possibly
because families may mistakenly think that understanding mind control is the
ex-cultist's responsibility not theirs. They think they did their part by getting the
loved one out of the cult. But this is not enough. To really be helpful, the family
should understand how mind control works.
Another reason some families shy away from gaining a truly in-depth
understanding of how abusive groups work is that the reality of mind control can
challenge the very foundation of why you believe what you believe about
everything. It can change forever the way you interact with the world around
you.
When Have I Studied Enough?
One gauge I use to answer the question "how much studying is enough?" is that
you have studied enough when:
1. The experience has no more hold on your ability to live the life you want
to live.
2. You can explain the experience to other persons so they can understand it.
3. You can explain mind control to other persons so they
understand how and why it could happen to them.
As I said, most ex-cultists and their families and their support systems in
general stop doing their homework too soon. They get a little bit of knowledge
and begin to stop hurting, so they stop learning and reworking the experience.
Let me suggest you do yourself a really big favor and don't be one of these
people. Read, talk, and write again and again until you understand how it
happened and how to prevent it (See Andersen &Zimbardo, 1984).
Learn to Tell Your Story
Understanding the experience to the point you can explain it to someone else is
not as simple as it may sound. First, you need to understand mind control
techniques and, secondly, you need to learn how to effectively communicate
this information to others.
Many ex-cultists, especially in the early months, try to get anyone and everyone
to comprehend the experience. This is not effective communication. Some, a bit
less tactful, even try to cram comprehension down the throats of their listeners.
Like a bull in a china shop, they do an "information dump" on anyone within
range. If the listener doesn't understand, the ex-cultist gets frustrated and
angry and/or judges the listener to be a fool. Those listeners who do manage to
understand something out of this barrage are usually overwhelmed and
frightened when they leave the discussion. This is not a healthy or responsible

Recovery from Abusive Groups Page 18
method of teaching others about cults.
I fought this "I need to make you understand" battle for a while, too. I felt guilty
when I left people frightened and like a freak when they simply couldn't
understand. I finally figured out what I was doing wrong. I wasn't assessing the
listener. I wasn't really talking to that particular person. I thought I was, but I
wasn't. I' had to admit I wasn't, because the listener wasn't grasping what I was
trying to say.
Talk "With" Not "At"
So, I challenged myself to get better at communicating, to develop better
communication and presentation skills. I challenged myself to talk with not at
listeners, to assess by their body language, questions, and expressions how
much to tell and how much to leave for another time. I used humor and
openness, and set a goal of leaving the listener with just a couple of points well-
understood. This is not manipulation. It's respecting people and the different
ways they learn.
It was hard at first, but I learned. As I learned and changed how I talked with
others and how much I said, I found that I communicated more effectively. As I
communicated more effectively, I found a great deal of understanding,
empathy, and support from many people.
The most effective technique was to spend most of the conversation helping
listeners recognize their own vulnerabilities and needs. Put listeners in touch
with their own loneliness, sense of uselessness, or hunger for love, and it's very
easy to follow up with "well, what if I offered you the answer to your
problems..." Once listeners understood that it could happen to them, teaching,
them how mind control works was pretty straightforward. (See Carnegie,1936.)
You will find many people who are easily frightened by your story. The truth
that given the right set of circumstances they, too, could be psychologically
manipulated and lose their freedom to choose does not fit with their model of
how the world is supposed to work. To understand your story they have to
change some of their fundamental perceptions of life. This is very hard work for
anyone to do. Be patient and gentle with these people.
Letting the Steam Out
There is a point in recovery, usually early on, when you're overwhelmed with
anger and energy by the experience. You may find yourself compulsively talking
to anyone who appears to be listening. This is very normal and can be a very
constructive part of healing. Here is where family and friends can be a great
help, just by listening patiently. This need to "tell all" seems to occur for a few