Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 59
horrors of the secret life in which I was entangled. There was no way out. I had been with
the group for 5 years now. I knew no other life. I had no other friends. I had no other job.
When I expressed doubts to others in the group or to Louis himself, I was criticized for not
being able to take the emotional strain of the meditation. I was not evolved enough to
endure it, they would say. I had too many attachments to the “world.” I felt that I was a
failure. I knew that I could not take the sexual encounters that were going on within the
group. This was a fact. Yet, I believed Louis in that his way was the only way. I couldn‟t
stay and I couldn‟t leave. I couldn‟t understand how the others could tolerate what was
going on. Everyone seemed to accept it as normal. I began to accept the inner group‟s
opinion that there was something wrong with me.
In order to be part of the group and not have to leave, I tried all of Louis‟s suggested
techniques to get over what he called my jealousy and possessiveness. I was to watch
others having sex. I was to accept their love. I was to let the jealousy burn out within me.
For 5 years I experienced daily emotional, instinctual, and mental torment trying to accept
non-monogamy at its worst. Trying to be spiritual. Trying to be part of the group. I was
becoming an emotional and physical wreck. I couldn‟t sleep, I couldn‟t eat, and I couldn‟t
live.
Eventually I found I could not take it and in order to simply stay alive, I began to accept
that I was subnormal. I opted out of the sexual trysts that were going on. I stayed within
the system, yet out of the system. It was a lonely time for me. I struggled with
understanding the secrecy. I still believed the outer teachings and still felt some connection
within the outer circle. I began to live in the outer circle of students, trying to pretend that
the inner circle orgies were not happening late in the night. I kept the secrets. They were
yogic and religious and above reproach. I accepted that it was I who was missing something
and that I had no right to destroy it for the others who benefited. Very much later I came to
realize that a healthy conscience kept me from being subdued further to such unethical
practices. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I could later take the good parts of these
years and leave the negative behind.
In 1976 the ashram moved to another part of California. I moved with the group. The group
now numbered 25 in the inner circle and about 150 in the outer circle. Most of the fringe
students, having no idea that there was an inner circle, believed completely in Louis‟s outer
teachings. The ashram was becoming a growing financial success, all of which was
completely controlled by Louis. He had the typical “guru” limousine and comfortable living
quarters. He had a personal cook and women who cleaned his house daily. He did no work
at all. Meanwhile, the volunteers worked 12 hours a day for no compensation. People bowed
and scraped just to get close to him. They followed his every instruction, such as whom to
marry, or whom not to marry, whether to go to school or to renounce the world. Donations
and tithes were a must if a devotee had an outside salary.
The group‟s drama around Louis was getting thicker and thicker. Occasionally Louis would
convince me that AI was the only one important for him,” and I would try “meditation”
again. He would match me up with other men in the inner circle to quiet me. I just never
could get into the scene, the orgies, the multiple partners, the many abortions women were
having, the general group upset. There were times when I would be completely
overwhelmed. I would try to leave, but all such attempts were unsuccessful. I had no
money and no friends outside the group. When I would leave, I would go to people from the
group who lived apart from the group. Louis would always find me and woo me back. I
could not successfully disconnect.
horrors of the secret life in which I was entangled. There was no way out. I had been with
the group for 5 years now. I knew no other life. I had no other friends. I had no other job.
When I expressed doubts to others in the group or to Louis himself, I was criticized for not
being able to take the emotional strain of the meditation. I was not evolved enough to
endure it, they would say. I had too many attachments to the “world.” I felt that I was a
failure. I knew that I could not take the sexual encounters that were going on within the
group. This was a fact. Yet, I believed Louis in that his way was the only way. I couldn‟t
stay and I couldn‟t leave. I couldn‟t understand how the others could tolerate what was
going on. Everyone seemed to accept it as normal. I began to accept the inner group‟s
opinion that there was something wrong with me.
In order to be part of the group and not have to leave, I tried all of Louis‟s suggested
techniques to get over what he called my jealousy and possessiveness. I was to watch
others having sex. I was to accept their love. I was to let the jealousy burn out within me.
For 5 years I experienced daily emotional, instinctual, and mental torment trying to accept
non-monogamy at its worst. Trying to be spiritual. Trying to be part of the group. I was
becoming an emotional and physical wreck. I couldn‟t sleep, I couldn‟t eat, and I couldn‟t
live.
Eventually I found I could not take it and in order to simply stay alive, I began to accept
that I was subnormal. I opted out of the sexual trysts that were going on. I stayed within
the system, yet out of the system. It was a lonely time for me. I struggled with
understanding the secrecy. I still believed the outer teachings and still felt some connection
within the outer circle. I began to live in the outer circle of students, trying to pretend that
the inner circle orgies were not happening late in the night. I kept the secrets. They were
yogic and religious and above reproach. I accepted that it was I who was missing something
and that I had no right to destroy it for the others who benefited. Very much later I came to
realize that a healthy conscience kept me from being subdued further to such unethical
practices. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I could later take the good parts of these
years and leave the negative behind.
In 1976 the ashram moved to another part of California. I moved with the group. The group
now numbered 25 in the inner circle and about 150 in the outer circle. Most of the fringe
students, having no idea that there was an inner circle, believed completely in Louis‟s outer
teachings. The ashram was becoming a growing financial success, all of which was
completely controlled by Louis. He had the typical “guru” limousine and comfortable living
quarters. He had a personal cook and women who cleaned his house daily. He did no work
at all. Meanwhile, the volunteers worked 12 hours a day for no compensation. People bowed
and scraped just to get close to him. They followed his every instruction, such as whom to
marry, or whom not to marry, whether to go to school or to renounce the world. Donations
and tithes were a must if a devotee had an outside salary.
The group‟s drama around Louis was getting thicker and thicker. Occasionally Louis would
convince me that AI was the only one important for him,” and I would try “meditation”
again. He would match me up with other men in the inner circle to quiet me. I just never
could get into the scene, the orgies, the multiple partners, the many abortions women were
having, the general group upset. There were times when I would be completely
overwhelmed. I would try to leave, but all such attempts were unsuccessful. I had no
money and no friends outside the group. When I would leave, I would go to people from the
group who lived apart from the group. Louis would always find me and woo me back. I
could not successfully disconnect.
