Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 59
horrors of the secret life in which I was entangled. There was no way out. I had been with
the group for 5 years now. I knew no other life. I had no other friends. I had no other job.
When I expressed doubts to others in the group or to Louis himself, I was criticized for not
being able to take the emotional strain of the meditation. I was not evolved enough to
endure it, they would say. I had too many attachments to the “world.” I felt that I was a
failure. I knew that I could not take the sexual encounters that were going on within the
group. This was a fact. Yet, I believed Louis in that his way was the only way. I couldn‟t
stay and I couldn‟t leave. I couldn‟t understand how the others could tolerate what was
going on. Everyone seemed to accept it as normal. I began to accept the inner group‟s
opinion that there was something wrong with me.
In order to be part of the group and not have to leave, I tried all of Louis‟s suggested
techniques to get over what he called my jealousy and possessiveness. I was to watch
others having sex. I was to accept their love. I was to let the jealousy burn out within me.
For 5 years I experienced daily emotional, instinctual, and mental torment trying to accept
non-monogamy at its worst. Trying to be spiritual. Trying to be part of the group. I was
becoming an emotional and physical wreck. I couldn‟t sleep, I couldn‟t eat, and I couldn‟t
live.
Eventually I found I could not take it and in order to simply stay alive, I began to accept
that I was subnormal. I opted out of the sexual trysts that were going on. I stayed within
the system, yet out of the system. It was a lonely time for me. I struggled with
understanding the secrecy. I still believed the outer teachings and still felt some connection
within the outer circle. I began to live in the outer circle of students, trying to pretend that
the inner circle orgies were not happening late in the night. I kept the secrets. They were
yogic and religious and above reproach. I accepted that it was I who was missing something
and that I had no right to destroy it for the others who benefited. Very much later I came to
realize that a healthy conscience kept me from being subdued further to such unethical
practices. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I could later take the good parts of these
years and leave the negative behind.
In 1976 the ashram moved to another part of California. I moved with the group. The group
now numbered 25 in the inner circle and about 150 in the outer circle. Most of the fringe
students, having no idea that there was an inner circle, believed completely in Louis‟s outer
teachings. The ashram was becoming a growing financial success, all of which was
completely controlled by Louis. He had the typical “guru” limousine and comfortable living
quarters. He had a personal cook and women who cleaned his house daily. He did no work
at all. Meanwhile, the volunteers worked 12 hours a day for no compensation. People bowed
and scraped just to get close to him. They followed his every instruction, such as whom to
marry, or whom not to marry, whether to go to school or to renounce the world. Donations
and tithes were a must if a devotee had an outside salary.
The group‟s drama around Louis was getting thicker and thicker. Occasionally Louis would
convince me that AI was the only one important for him,” and I would try “meditation”
again. He would match me up with other men in the inner circle to quiet me. I just never
could get into the scene, the orgies, the multiple partners, the many abortions women were
having, the general group upset. There were times when I would be completely
overwhelmed. I would try to leave, but all such attempts were unsuccessful. I had no
money and no friends outside the group. When I would leave, I would go to people from the
group who lived apart from the group. Louis would always find me and woo me back. I
could not successfully disconnect.

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 60
The Last American Chapter
In 1977 Louis acquired enough money to purchase a 400-acre retreat in northern California.
We moved the ashram to the country. There were many more volunteers, many more
people visiting, and the daily programs were becoming more and more of a production. He
assigned me as director of the facility. I was good at it. I liked the job and I liked the
people, most of whom were completely unaware of the duplicity inherent in Louis‟s
teachings and the behavior of his close disciples. I continued to block out the sexual orgies
that happened frequently. I blinded myself to the night-time wanderings of the inner group.
Louis and I had continual disagreements about the inner teachings. He claimed I was
unworthy to understand and be able to participate. I accepted this.
In order to remain part of the group and to keep my sanity, I decided to marry a man who
was also a close student of Louis‟s. Louis had matched me with him. I felt that marriage was
my only option because in the typical tradition of marriage, there was to be no meditation,
that is, no sex with other people. I could live in the ashram and follow the outer teachings.
In a way my marriage was a last resort, a final attempt at coping with the situation.
The man I married seemed to be willing to be monogamous and wanted a family. In my
heart I hoped that marrying him would save me from the duplicity into which I had spiraled.
As it turned out, my husband was as enmeshed in the subservience expected of Louis‟s
students as I was. He married his guru‟s woman he had the prize. I was a used possession,
being passed to an honor student. We continued to live in the ashram and work for Louis.
We were dependent on Louis for our livelihood. We received room and board and $150 per
month.
What I didn‟t realize was that marriage had no sanctity for the guru. Soon after the
marriage, Louis suddenly decided that in fact married people could meditate. It was not long
before he was asking my husband whether he was willing to help his spiritual father by
allowing his wife to meditate with him. My husband also could not say no to his guru. I felt
my life being torn again. The relationship between me and my teacher was not based on
either sex or religion, but on a sick misuse of power.
About this time one of the women involved in Louis‟s inner circle (an 18-year-old) had a
nervous breakdown and spent time in a psychiatric hospital. She was able to speak about
the abuse in the group, and as a result some of the secrets were revealed to the general
public. The effect rippled throughout the community of 150 people, splitting it wide open.
Louis took emergency actions and drew the inner circle tight. “We must uphold the 7,000-
year-old secret,” he proclaimed. “We have to protect yoga.” All of us, except a few, did as
told. We denied it all. We put the responsibility on the woman who had the breakdown. We
were upholding the Truth, the Eternal Way of Life. We were protecting the basic system of
“evolution.” It was not a lie. It was a yogic secret. Although some people left, many stayed
and believed their teacher and their teacher‟s closest students. Despite our cover-up, the
fallout from the exposure damaged the community feeling. It was falling apart.
During this time Louis became extremely paranoid. He trusted no one and feared for his life.
He convinced most of us that we must leave for a safer place. He was afraid that the large
property that we had just acquired would be confiscated. He was afraid he would be
persecuted, much like Jesus. The land in California was put up for sale. Louis was on the
move to a safer place. The community had been put together by all of us. It was to be a
new life for us. We had worked hard to raise funds and renovate the buildings. Many people
lived on the property and had planned their lives around the community. Suddenly it was
over. The church was to be abolished. The funds went into Louis‟s pockets. Most of the
people did not hear from Louis again. It was a hard time for many. Louis would only take a
few with him. My husband and I were among the chosen.