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Cara “pledged” to be a member of the group, and for the first few months she felt
happy, productive, and part of the group. Gradually Cara noticed that there were group
practices that seemed at odds with what she had been told were the group‟s beliefs.
She felt anxious and confused about what she saw, but was too frightened to raise her
concerns. Finally Cara spoke up about her worries in an individual session with Paul.
She told him that she was dismayed that she had observed him harshly criticizing
group members for asking questions about the seemingly unfair way he assigned tasks
to members. She said she was upset to hear that a friend in the group was told that
she must go along with all her husband‟s sexual requests. And Cara told Paul that
recently her feelings had been hurt when Paul, who up until now had only praise for her
work, was preoccupied with new recruits.
In a warm and comforting voice, Paul answered each of her concerns thoroughly. He
explained to Cara that her feelings about each of these things were related to her
“uptightness,” as they had discussed in therapy. He “reassured” her that all his actions
were aimed at “helping” members to become more democratic, loving, and “realized.”
Paul went on to remind Cara of her strict Dutch Reform background and her “snobby”
relatives. He criticized her for having “severe problems with commitment.” Cara
continued to feel uneasy about the group practices, but also felt stifled about asking
more questions. She recalled Paul‟s explanations, and interpreted her feelings as
resistance to growth and difficulty escaping the attitudes of her family. Because Paul
had spoken to her in kind, soothing tones, she felt unable to continue questioning him.
She became increasingly depressed and anxious, but always put on a good smile for
the new recruits at the evening meetings. She longed for all the things she had entered
the group for and hoped that if she worked hard enough she would experience the
benefits.
Cara was drawn into the cult because she believed the advertisement of the group and
lacked the skills to perceive manipulation. She did not have the semiotic competence to
recognize that, for example, so many beatific smiles and loving welcomes in an audience
might indicate that something is amiss. As time passed, Cara became confused and
overwhelmed by contradictions she could not understand. Like all cult members, she was
distressed that she felt dissatisfied in a group that she thought was perfect. She blamed
herself for feeling bad, and made an even deeper commitment to the group.
Cult members have to go through three stages in order to gain clarity and leave the group.
First, they have to ask questions regarding what they feel upset and confused about.
Second, they have to gain competence to read the cues that they are being deceived. Third,
they have to believe that leaving the group is an option that will lead to a successful
outcome and the experience of mastery. Moving through these stages is difficult for both
men and women because cult leaders and elders are masters at manipulation. However,
there are compelling factors that make it even more difficult for women than for men to
inform themselves and take action to leave cults.
Questioning
Women throughout the world are socialized to be giving, trusting, caretaking. When a
woman raises questions about the status quo, she is seen as critical, making waves, and
going against what is culturally defined as feminine. For example, if Pam, the woman
mentioned in the beginning of this article, had questioned her husband‟s honesty, she might
have risked being thought of poorly by her husband, and she might have seen herself as a
“bad” wife. Women who speak clearly and directly are often discounted and ignored, thus
they are punished for doing so. A 1990 study showed that women in all walks of life who
speak assertively are listened to less by male audiences than those who speak hesitantly
and deferentially (Carli, 1990, pp. 941-951). The message to women is: to be a successful

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 25
woman, you must hide what you know and refrain from questioning. This is unlike the
training to be male, which includes encouragement to be a maverick and to embrace and
express their grandiosity and entitlement (Kaschak, 1992, pp. 62-65).
The power differential in cults mirrors this difference between men and women. Cult leaders
take liberties to ask members all about their lives and then make judgments about the
personal information acquired. Meanwhile, cult members are discouraged from asking
questions and are rewarded for not doing so. Leaders use group ideology to stifle question-
ing and enforce blind loyalty to the cult. Questioning-members of Hindu cults are told that
they are listening too much to their mind, as if mind is a dirty word. Questioning-members
of neo-Christian groups are told that they lack faith. Those in mass therapy groups are told
they are not taking responsibility for creating their own confusion, and so on.
Reading the Cues of Manipulation
Women are not only trained to speak deferentially in our culture, but also are socialized to
listen more keenly to what men say than to their own feminine voice. Studies by Deakins
(cited in Tannen, 1990) demonstrated that in mixed-gender groups, women adopted the
manner in which men speak. In addition, both men and women talked more about the
topics men discussed in all-male groups than the topics women discussed in all-female
groups. Therefore, women are more accustomed to adjusting to the linguistic style and
content of the dominant group than are men.
At the moment that Paul, in the earlier example, was describing to Cara his version of why
she was distressed, Cara was focused on understanding and internalizing Paul‟s narrative
rather than listening to her own inner voice. Her confusion was indicating that “something is
not right here,” but her impulse was to pay closer attention to what Paul was
communicating.
Leaving the Cult
The interpersonal process that keeps people in cults is a cyclical one. Cult members feel
anxious, depressed, dissociated, exhausted, and overwhelmed with confusion. They try to
get help within the group and talk to either the leader, the elder, or another dedicated
member. Like Cara, they may question practices that contradict group doctrine, or they may
express doubts about continuing in the group. Invariably, the leader, elder, or other cult
member will provide a narrative to describe (and reframe) the distress. These stories are
often convoluted and blaming. In Cara‟s case, Paul brought up what he had previously
judged and labeled as Cara‟s “uptightness,” which bore a resemblance to judgments Cara
had made about her own family. Cara felt unsatisfied by the interpretations, but they were
intellectually convincing.
Cult leaders are thus armed with three powerful manipulative tools to keep people from
leaving cults. They can use narratives based on information gathered during ritualized
confessions, they can invoke cult ideology to criticize questioning, and they can criticize a
member‟s ability to maintain commitments. The latter is particularly powerful in
manipulating women who, unlike men, are raised to believe that their success is
synonymous with maintaining relationships and affiliations. For example, it is estimated that
9 out of 10 women stay with an alcoholic spouse, while 9 out of 10 men do not (Kinney &
Leaton, 1978).
When a woman‟s relationship feels unsatisfying, she blames herself. “Women may wonder
why they can‟t control relationships so that they meet all their needs, so that they turn out
well, so that they last. It feels like a personal failure when a relationship fails” (Kaschak,
1992, p. 181). Therefore, women will work as hard as they can to stay in relationships and
make them last, even if this includes not attending to, or blaming themselves for, the pain.