Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 36
period: they simply did not have the resources to care sufficiently for their children during
that traumatic time.
A serious burden to recovery is the leader‟s parting curse --a frequent phenomenon in
cults. These curses ranged from “Your children will be cursed to the seventh generation” to
“You‟re not fit to be a mother you have an unnatural relationship and you‟ll have trouble
with your daughter when she‟s a teenager” (as if that were a profound insight!). These
women had to continually work through the weight of the leader‟s curse, or negative
prophecy, so that when their children misbehaved they could see it as children either
processing their experience or simply being children. In general, mothers nearly always
carried negative views of their parenting directly inherited from the group. This is a critical
area to explore in either support groups or in a therapeutic situation.
A crucial issue is the lack of available support resources. Jill, Helen, and Janie still feel
isolated. They regret the lack of experienced counselors. Only Jill, who went to a
rehabilitation center, had contact with a counselor experienced in cult-related issues.
Additionally, mothers and families often need (but seldom get) the same types of material
support (housing, financial, etc.) as are typically provided by women‟s shelters.
Follow-up
At the time I interviewed these women, they all felt that they were now developing close
and honest relationships with their children. Helen, in particular, said, “My children are
tremendously gifted and talented and unique. For all the trouble we had, my children love
me and I love them. We have a close relationship that many families don‟t have.”
Mary, who had not seen her children in 5 years, said: “I was determined to rebond with my
children. And I have. It took a long time and a lot of work, but now we have a good
relationship.”
Both Jill and Janie feel that they still face a lot of difficulties in their parenting, sometimes
feeling spaced out or overwhelmed. But Janie sees that she is doing the best she can. “You
just have to love them --I‟m not condemning myself.” Both she and Jill struggle with
whether they are raising their children “rightly,” but are now able to rely on their own
judgments of what that means and to separate that from the cult‟s doctrine. “I‟ve learned
that you can serve God by loving your children,” said Jill, “God doesn‟t make you choose.”
I asked these mothers to offer advice to other mothers coming out of cults. Their words
were both moving and insightful:
Jill: “Remember, this is a chapter of your life, it‟s not your whole life. Recognize that this is
a very, very hard thing to do --to keep doing your parenting and get well. It‟s not darn
hard, it‟s damn hard. It‟s so hard to get a picture of what you‟re going through. There are
no guidelines, no maps. You must get your own support: you can‟t give from an empty cup
--and you have to give so much as a parent. Get counseling --although it‟s hard to find a
counselor who understands.”
Anne: “Honesty is real critical. You need to be as honest as possible about what happened
at a level the child can understand. One thing I would tell mothers: your gut feeling is right.
It‟s the intellectual aspect where you get boxed in by the cult.”
Janie: “Seek out help. Don‟t do it alone. Seek out other people who‟ve been in cults
[because] others may not be able to understand the pressures. If you have a supportive
family, let them be involved. Spend some time for yourself. In the long run, that‟ll make
you a better parent.”
Helen: “The more I tell my own story that diminishes the shame, although the regret is
intact. But I have to negotiate with my kids, with what they want kept private. All mothers
period: they simply did not have the resources to care sufficiently for their children during
that traumatic time.
A serious burden to recovery is the leader‟s parting curse --a frequent phenomenon in
cults. These curses ranged from “Your children will be cursed to the seventh generation” to
“You‟re not fit to be a mother you have an unnatural relationship and you‟ll have trouble
with your daughter when she‟s a teenager” (as if that were a profound insight!). These
women had to continually work through the weight of the leader‟s curse, or negative
prophecy, so that when their children misbehaved they could see it as children either
processing their experience or simply being children. In general, mothers nearly always
carried negative views of their parenting directly inherited from the group. This is a critical
area to explore in either support groups or in a therapeutic situation.
A crucial issue is the lack of available support resources. Jill, Helen, and Janie still feel
isolated. They regret the lack of experienced counselors. Only Jill, who went to a
rehabilitation center, had contact with a counselor experienced in cult-related issues.
Additionally, mothers and families often need (but seldom get) the same types of material
support (housing, financial, etc.) as are typically provided by women‟s shelters.
Follow-up
At the time I interviewed these women, they all felt that they were now developing close
and honest relationships with their children. Helen, in particular, said, “My children are
tremendously gifted and talented and unique. For all the trouble we had, my children love
me and I love them. We have a close relationship that many families don‟t have.”
Mary, who had not seen her children in 5 years, said: “I was determined to rebond with my
children. And I have. It took a long time and a lot of work, but now we have a good
relationship.”
Both Jill and Janie feel that they still face a lot of difficulties in their parenting, sometimes
feeling spaced out or overwhelmed. But Janie sees that she is doing the best she can. “You
just have to love them --I‟m not condemning myself.” Both she and Jill struggle with
whether they are raising their children “rightly,” but are now able to rely on their own
judgments of what that means and to separate that from the cult‟s doctrine. “I‟ve learned
that you can serve God by loving your children,” said Jill, “God doesn‟t make you choose.”
I asked these mothers to offer advice to other mothers coming out of cults. Their words
were both moving and insightful:
Jill: “Remember, this is a chapter of your life, it‟s not your whole life. Recognize that this is
a very, very hard thing to do --to keep doing your parenting and get well. It‟s not darn
hard, it‟s damn hard. It‟s so hard to get a picture of what you‟re going through. There are
no guidelines, no maps. You must get your own support: you can‟t give from an empty cup
--and you have to give so much as a parent. Get counseling --although it‟s hard to find a
counselor who understands.”
Anne: “Honesty is real critical. You need to be as honest as possible about what happened
at a level the child can understand. One thing I would tell mothers: your gut feeling is right.
It‟s the intellectual aspect where you get boxed in by the cult.”
Janie: “Seek out help. Don‟t do it alone. Seek out other people who‟ve been in cults
[because] others may not be able to understand the pressures. If you have a supportive
family, let them be involved. Spend some time for yourself. In the long run, that‟ll make
you a better parent.”
Helen: “The more I tell my own story that diminishes the shame, although the regret is
intact. But I have to negotiate with my kids, with what they want kept private. All mothers
