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missed the leader‟s attention. She still saw him as a powerful man who had recognized
her own value and power.
The self psychologists and infant researchers have taught us over the past two decades that
children need to have their actions and attributes mirrored in order to experience them as
their own. When a child takes her first steps, her parents‟ exclamations of praise and
mirroring “ohs” and “ahs” are what lead the child to feel a sense of ownership. Without
mirroring feedback, people are unable to own, or know, their own characteristics.
In our culture, boys and men are highly recognized for their activity, agency, and impact in
the world. On the other hand, girls in our culture are often valued as being adorable, sweet,
and the objects of desire, not agents of desire. Because they have to separate from their
primary love object, mother, boys tend to feel more needful and anxious about their
relationships to females than to males. Thus, fathers tend to feel more comfortable
identifying and acknowledging their sons and other boys. According to Jessica Benjamin
(1988), in The Bonds of Love, girls are then left with the ungratified wish to be seen and
recognized by their active, independent fathers. Girls and women become depressed and
envious, and they look to possess men rather than to experience power and desire
themselves. Benjamin writes:
We know that many girls are left with a lifelong admiration for individuals who get
away with their sense of omnipotence intact and they express their admiration in
relationships of overt or unconscious submission. They grow to idealize the man
who has what they can never possess --“power and desire.” (p. 109)
Historically, the way that many women have enacted this dynamic dilemma has been to find
men they admire and to make efforts to gain status by association (marriage) and to feel
recognized by serving men and receiving their praise. As contemporary, educated women
have been influenced by the feminist movement, they have acquired ambivalent feelings
about gaining strength through romantic union. My hypothesis is that because they are
attracted to the appearance of the benevolent power of the leader, many woman are
unconsciously drawn to cults. Women want to get close to and please the leaders of their
group so that they (the women) can feel some of the strength the leader appears to have.
This is something that cults directly advertise --for example, “If you join our group you will
be one of the saved,” or “You will be part of the answer,” or “You will become fully realized.”
In essence, the message is: You will be special if you join our group and you will have a
powerful impact on the world I (we) have the power to recognize you as such.
The Interpersonal Processes that Keeps Women in Cults
The following example will highlight the dynamics that are operant in keeping women bound
to destructive cultic groups once they become members enmeshed in the processes and the
logic of the leader.
“Cara” was invited to a group meeting by her psychotherapist whom she had been
seeing for 8 weeks. This was Cara‟s first time in therapy and she was unaware that this
was not standard practice. The therapist, “Paul,” described the meeting as a gathering
of very special people brought together to talk about social and political issues. Cara
attended and was surprised to find that Paul was running the meeting and appeared to
be the leader of this group. Paul was a charismatic speaker, and Cara was mesmerized
by his talk. She saw that all the people in the audience wore radiant smiles and laughed
at all of Paul‟s jokes. Paul talked about how the group would influence social and
political policy, and how the group was promoting equality for all. Cara was impressed
with how cooperatively the group worked to set up and serve dinner for themselves and
the newcomers.

Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 14, No. 1, 1997, page 24
Cara “pledged” to be a member of the group, and for the first few months she felt
happy, productive, and part of the group. Gradually Cara noticed that there were group
practices that seemed at odds with what she had been told were the group‟s beliefs.
She felt anxious and confused about what she saw, but was too frightened to raise her
concerns. Finally Cara spoke up about her worries in an individual session with Paul.
She told him that she was dismayed that she had observed him harshly criticizing
group members for asking questions about the seemingly unfair way he assigned tasks
to members. She said she was upset to hear that a friend in the group was told that
she must go along with all her husband‟s sexual requests. And Cara told Paul that
recently her feelings had been hurt when Paul, who up until now had only praise for her
work, was preoccupied with new recruits.
In a warm and comforting voice, Paul answered each of her concerns thoroughly. He
explained to Cara that her feelings about each of these things were related to her
“uptightness,” as they had discussed in therapy. He “reassured” her that all his actions
were aimed at “helping” members to become more democratic, loving, and “realized.”
Paul went on to remind Cara of her strict Dutch Reform background and her “snobby”
relatives. He criticized her for having “severe problems with commitment.” Cara
continued to feel uneasy about the group practices, but also felt stifled about asking
more questions. She recalled Paul‟s explanations, and interpreted her feelings as
resistance to growth and difficulty escaping the attitudes of her family. Because Paul
had spoken to her in kind, soothing tones, she felt unable to continue questioning him.
She became increasingly depressed and anxious, but always put on a good smile for
the new recruits at the evening meetings. She longed for all the things she had entered
the group for and hoped that if she worked hard enough she would experience the
benefits.
Cara was drawn into the cult because she believed the advertisement of the group and
lacked the skills to perceive manipulation. She did not have the semiotic competence to
recognize that, for example, so many beatific smiles and loving welcomes in an audience
might indicate that something is amiss. As time passed, Cara became confused and
overwhelmed by contradictions she could not understand. Like all cult members, she was
distressed that she felt dissatisfied in a group that she thought was perfect. She blamed
herself for feeling bad, and made an even deeper commitment to the group.
Cult members have to go through three stages in order to gain clarity and leave the group.
First, they have to ask questions regarding what they feel upset and confused about.
Second, they have to gain competence to read the cues that they are being deceived. Third,
they have to believe that leaving the group is an option that will lead to a successful
outcome and the experience of mastery. Moving through these stages is difficult for both
men and women because cult leaders and elders are masters at manipulation. However,
there are compelling factors that make it even more difficult for women than for men to
inform themselves and take action to leave cults.
Questioning
Women throughout the world are socialized to be giving, trusting, caretaking. When a
woman raises questions about the status quo, she is seen as critical, making waves, and
going against what is culturally defined as feminine. For example, if Pam, the woman
mentioned in the beginning of this article, had questioned her husband‟s honesty, she might
have risked being thought of poorly by her husband, and she might have seen herself as a
“bad” wife. Women who speak clearly and directly are often discounted and ignored, thus
they are punished for doing so. A 1990 study showed that women in all walks of life who
speak assertively are listened to less by male audiences than those who speak hesitantly
and deferentially (Carli, 1990, pp. 941-951). The message to women is: to be a successful