Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 2, No. 2, 2003, Page 15
submission or some kind of relationship to man and the world which promises
relief from uncertainty, even if it deprives the individual of his freedom (p.
52) (italics mine).
Fromm is describing the predicament of a life which lacks meaning and direction, in a
society which offers too many dead-end destinations. This is where Paul Zweig found
himself—adrift in Lasch‘s ―culture of narcissism.‖
While Fromm speaks of the securing ties that are lost in the process of becoming separate,
there are those who would argue that many children possess little more than false security,
at best. Alice Miller (1981) suggests that the development of the true self, the goal of
separation and individuation, is thwarted when parents excessively need and use their
children to fulfill their own egoistic wishes. These are not only mentally ill, abusive parents,
although such parents certainly exist. These are also well-functioning, often well-meaning
parents, who like all humans, have flaws, weaknesses, and blind spots. Parents, according
to their own habits, values, and emotional needs, can teach a child to judge his own natural
needs, feelings, and attempts at self-expression, as sinful, destructive to the parent, and
shameful. Such children learn to hide or suppress these rejected parts of themselves and to
develop a personality that is disconnected from their real feelings, but which is focused
instead on skillful accommodation to the needs of the parents—in essence, an act of self-
annihilation (Winnicott, 1960). Such children know that to maintain needed ties to parents,
they must develop the ability to attend to the parents‘ needs at the expense of their own.
While the developmental conflict between attachment and separation invariably elicits
feelings of isolation and powerlessness, these feelings may be especially exacerbated when
the child‘s drive to separate is threatening to a needy and narcissistically vulnerable parent,
or thwarted by neglectful or sadistic parents. Miller sees the problem of the child who
becomes a prisoner of the narcissistic parent as a pervasive cultural phenomenon of our
time.
In my own work with former members, I have often encountered the conditions described
by Miller, as well as other, more concrete disruptions in family stability prior to cult
involvement. Such disruptions include divorce, the premature death of a parent, parental or
sibling mental illness, parental alcoholism or other addiction, abuse and neglect, or incest.
Often in these cases, children blame themselves for the disruption, as in Fairbairn‘s ―moral
defense‖ referred to above, and they develop a sense of badness, guilt, and unworthiness.
They are then left vulnerable to selfobject hunger, to longing for the sense of being totally
good, totally loved and accepted. By no means do I wish to suggest that every cult member
will have such a background. I do observe, however, that many cult members have
experienced some form of disruption in the stability of their families, which they have not
sufficiently been able to integrate psychologically, and for which, unconsciously, they blame
themselves. Seeking freedom from unconscious guilt and shame, the promise of purification
and ennoblement through devotion to a cult leader can seem like finding an oasis in the
desert. The abuse and punishment they receive from the cult leader then seems like the
appropriate price to pay to achieve the longed for redemption, or freedom from conscious
and/or unconscious guilt.
For the person who is tormented with anxiety about separation from dependence, whether
this torment stems from larger social forces, or more specifically from within the relational
matrix of the individual family, Fromm considers masochism to be one of the primary
mechanisms of escape. When the parental and/or social environment cannot provide the
security required for the separation effort, then adopting the masochistic stance of feeling
small and helpless, or overwhelmed by pain and agony, can be a way of avoiding and
protecting oneself from having to fight what would only be a losing battle. Between self-
annihilation, which provides a kind of control, and unsupported separation and
submission or some kind of relationship to man and the world which promises
relief from uncertainty, even if it deprives the individual of his freedom (p.
52) (italics mine).
Fromm is describing the predicament of a life which lacks meaning and direction, in a
society which offers too many dead-end destinations. This is where Paul Zweig found
himself—adrift in Lasch‘s ―culture of narcissism.‖
While Fromm speaks of the securing ties that are lost in the process of becoming separate,
there are those who would argue that many children possess little more than false security,
at best. Alice Miller (1981) suggests that the development of the true self, the goal of
separation and individuation, is thwarted when parents excessively need and use their
children to fulfill their own egoistic wishes. These are not only mentally ill, abusive parents,
although such parents certainly exist. These are also well-functioning, often well-meaning
parents, who like all humans, have flaws, weaknesses, and blind spots. Parents, according
to their own habits, values, and emotional needs, can teach a child to judge his own natural
needs, feelings, and attempts at self-expression, as sinful, destructive to the parent, and
shameful. Such children learn to hide or suppress these rejected parts of themselves and to
develop a personality that is disconnected from their real feelings, but which is focused
instead on skillful accommodation to the needs of the parents—in essence, an act of self-
annihilation (Winnicott, 1960). Such children know that to maintain needed ties to parents,
they must develop the ability to attend to the parents‘ needs at the expense of their own.
While the developmental conflict between attachment and separation invariably elicits
feelings of isolation and powerlessness, these feelings may be especially exacerbated when
the child‘s drive to separate is threatening to a needy and narcissistically vulnerable parent,
or thwarted by neglectful or sadistic parents. Miller sees the problem of the child who
becomes a prisoner of the narcissistic parent as a pervasive cultural phenomenon of our
time.
In my own work with former members, I have often encountered the conditions described
by Miller, as well as other, more concrete disruptions in family stability prior to cult
involvement. Such disruptions include divorce, the premature death of a parent, parental or
sibling mental illness, parental alcoholism or other addiction, abuse and neglect, or incest.
Often in these cases, children blame themselves for the disruption, as in Fairbairn‘s ―moral
defense‖ referred to above, and they develop a sense of badness, guilt, and unworthiness.
They are then left vulnerable to selfobject hunger, to longing for the sense of being totally
good, totally loved and accepted. By no means do I wish to suggest that every cult member
will have such a background. I do observe, however, that many cult members have
experienced some form of disruption in the stability of their families, which they have not
sufficiently been able to integrate psychologically, and for which, unconsciously, they blame
themselves. Seeking freedom from unconscious guilt and shame, the promise of purification
and ennoblement through devotion to a cult leader can seem like finding an oasis in the
desert. The abuse and punishment they receive from the cult leader then seems like the
appropriate price to pay to achieve the longed for redemption, or freedom from conscious
and/or unconscious guilt.
For the person who is tormented with anxiety about separation from dependence, whether
this torment stems from larger social forces, or more specifically from within the relational
matrix of the individual family, Fromm considers masochism to be one of the primary
mechanisms of escape. When the parental and/or social environment cannot provide the
security required for the separation effort, then adopting the masochistic stance of feeling
small and helpless, or overwhelmed by pain and agony, can be a way of avoiding and
protecting oneself from having to fight what would only be a losing battle. Between self-
annihilation, which provides a kind of control, and unsupported separation and
