Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 15, No. 2, 1998, page 9
It was interesting to hear people saying yesterday that moments of epiphany, of ―Aha!,‖ are
often moments of privacy, when you‘re alone --not those big group productions that so
many of us went through. I had a moment like that two years ago when I realized that I
was still seeing all of Christianity through Emissary eyes, and I had been out nine years.
That realization was extremely important for me.
At that point, I started asking my parents about their experience of Christianity, and they
were able to tell me. Then I told them that I might have to reconsider my involvement with
Christianity. And, bless their hearts, they just sat there in the living room reading their
newspaper and responding to me with, ―Oh, yes, dear,‖ instead of leaping off the couch.
They were calm and accepting.
My mother said, ―You know, maybe you need a different Bible.‖ My group had used the King
James Version. My Bible was sitting on the shelf all these years, and I could not open it! I
would try, it would be triggering, and I would just get angry and throw it across the room
again. I couldn‘t do it. There had, however, been one incident just a few months before this
when I was able to open it --I still don‘t remember how it happened --to Micah 6:8 and
read, ―And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, love mercy, and walk
humbly with your God?‖ I thought that if I never read another verse, this one would take
me a lifetime. So I read that one verse.
My mother bought me a different translation, and that‘s all it took to make the Bible
readable again. That was an important moment for me, too --to realize that the version my
group used was so triggering. The week after I received the new Bible I attended a CAN
conference, where we heard all these things about ways to go back to church, to not be
fearful. I remember one suggestion was, ―Go in after the service has started, leave your
coat on, sit in the back pew, and if you have to run out, then you can.‖ Those suggestions,
as silly as they sound, and as much as we laugh, were very helpful in my going back and
not being triggered into the whole Emissary experience.
Another suggestion that was important and helpful to me was that I find a minister I could
scold. As silly as that might sound, the point was that there would be equal power, that
someone would listen to me and be willing to learn from me as much as I would learn from
him or her. That would be the basis for a relationship, not a hierarchical command
structure. The accumulation of all these things let me go back to church, and I did find a
minister I could scold.
Let me finish on a note that risks sounding like magical thinking. I did go to a couple of
churches after the CAN conference. The first one I went to was a Methodist church because
I knew it would be predictable. I went in, it was predictable, and I didn‘t go back to that
one. The next Sunday, I went to another church, and it felt very familiar. I realized it was
the same denomination as youth leadership camps I had attended, which was really
something to me, because I didn‘t realize until I was in this church that it was the same
denomination. I was wandering around the church afterward and found a little pamphlet up
on the wall that described the church and its beliefs. In the very front of the pamphlet was
the verse from Micah [6:8], and I thought, ―I‘m home.‖
This journey has been long, and I attribute all these pieces as important steps on the
journey. I could not have done it any other way. God was gentle. I needed to go through
the mental part before I could get to the spiritual part. I needed to take time. I needed to
be angry with God. I needed to cry with God. As I look back now, I am aware that God acts
through time. I have been fortunate to have a number of people who respected that I would
find my way --that they didn‘t have to do it for me. That gave me the space to do it, which
has been extremely helpful.
It was interesting to hear people saying yesterday that moments of epiphany, of ―Aha!,‖ are
often moments of privacy, when you‘re alone --not those big group productions that so
many of us went through. I had a moment like that two years ago when I realized that I
was still seeing all of Christianity through Emissary eyes, and I had been out nine years.
That realization was extremely important for me.
At that point, I started asking my parents about their experience of Christianity, and they
were able to tell me. Then I told them that I might have to reconsider my involvement with
Christianity. And, bless their hearts, they just sat there in the living room reading their
newspaper and responding to me with, ―Oh, yes, dear,‖ instead of leaping off the couch.
They were calm and accepting.
My mother said, ―You know, maybe you need a different Bible.‖ My group had used the King
James Version. My Bible was sitting on the shelf all these years, and I could not open it! I
would try, it would be triggering, and I would just get angry and throw it across the room
again. I couldn‘t do it. There had, however, been one incident just a few months before this
when I was able to open it --I still don‘t remember how it happened --to Micah 6:8 and
read, ―And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, love mercy, and walk
humbly with your God?‖ I thought that if I never read another verse, this one would take
me a lifetime. So I read that one verse.
My mother bought me a different translation, and that‘s all it took to make the Bible
readable again. That was an important moment for me, too --to realize that the version my
group used was so triggering. The week after I received the new Bible I attended a CAN
conference, where we heard all these things about ways to go back to church, to not be
fearful. I remember one suggestion was, ―Go in after the service has started, leave your
coat on, sit in the back pew, and if you have to run out, then you can.‖ Those suggestions,
as silly as they sound, and as much as we laugh, were very helpful in my going back and
not being triggered into the whole Emissary experience.
Another suggestion that was important and helpful to me was that I find a minister I could
scold. As silly as that might sound, the point was that there would be equal power, that
someone would listen to me and be willing to learn from me as much as I would learn from
him or her. That would be the basis for a relationship, not a hierarchical command
structure. The accumulation of all these things let me go back to church, and I did find a
minister I could scold.
Let me finish on a note that risks sounding like magical thinking. I did go to a couple of
churches after the CAN conference. The first one I went to was a Methodist church because
I knew it would be predictable. I went in, it was predictable, and I didn‘t go back to that
one. The next Sunday, I went to another church, and it felt very familiar. I realized it was
the same denomination as youth leadership camps I had attended, which was really
something to me, because I didn‘t realize until I was in this church that it was the same
denomination. I was wandering around the church afterward and found a little pamphlet up
on the wall that described the church and its beliefs. In the very front of the pamphlet was
the verse from Micah [6:8], and I thought, ―I‘m home.‖
This journey has been long, and I attribute all these pieces as important steps on the
journey. I could not have done it any other way. God was gentle. I needed to go through
the mental part before I could get to the spiritual part. I needed to take time. I needed to
be angry with God. I needed to cry with God. As I look back now, I am aware that God acts
through time. I have been fortunate to have a number of people who respected that I would
find my way --that they didn‘t have to do it for me. That gave me the space to do it, which
has been extremely helpful.
