Cultic Studies Journal, Vol. 15, No. 2, 1998, page 8
realized everything about the group was so predictable, manipulative, and external. That
realization was devastating.
About three years after I was out of the group, I went to a Cult Awareness Network (CAN)
conference, which was really a very different beginning for me than the counseling had
been. Sharing with other ex-members who had been through the same thing began a
different, more serious, kind of healing. It was the beginning of some healing of the heart.
The counseling, I think, was healing of the mind. Meeting other ex-members was very
significant for me, and I stayed quite involved with CAN and with FOCUS, the ex-member‘s
support part of the organization --those continued to be important support systems.
Also, during that same time, I had a friend who was alcoholic and was just going into
treatment. I knew nothing about alcoholism, so I went to an Alanon meeting. That first
meeting also was a significant turning point for me, because I realized there was a way to
have a God in my life again. And it was a God of my understanding --nobody else‘s
definition. For me, that was very, very important. It was the first time I was able to have
any kind of a God in my life again. I went through several years developing more of a
spiritual life. I could not go back to church because it just had too many triggers.
I did begin to have some kind of a spiritual life again, just through the idea of a God of my
understanding. I was able to get mad, which also meant a lot to me --to find out that God
could handle that.
My parents were very concerned and supportive all the way through this. Even at the outset
of my involvement with the Emissaries, they had wondered whether the group was a cult,
but at that time, there was just not much information. They tried to find information but
could find none, and they didn‘t know what else to do except stay in touch, which they did.
In spite of my not getting back in touch with them, they stayed in touch with me --no
matter what I did --and that was really important. They prayed for me, and they had
friends who were supportive and prayed for me too.
When I came out of the group, my parents did not pressure me to come back to church,
which would have slowed me down by leaps and bounds. It was really important that they
gave me lots of space and trusted that I would find my way.
I went back to school in 1990 for a degree in counseling, also another significant turning
point, because it gave me the time and the space to look at psychological issues in depth.
Those issues overlap tremendously with spiritual issues as far as I‘m concerned it‘s hard to
draw the line between them.
During the past two or three years, I really wanted to be a part of a community, but I didn‘t
know how to do that. I didn‘t have any sense that I could go back to church --it still was
just too triggering. At the annual CAN conferences, FOCUS sessions always were on spiritual
concerns, and I looked forward to these renewing and rejuvenating experiences. People
talked about what they were finding that worked for them. I remember different people,
both clergy and ex-members, talking about finding a path out of the fear. Another person,
interestingly enough, quoted a line from some rock-and-roll song, that he had held the hand
of the devil. He was saying of his own experience, ―I have done that,‖ and that for us to go
back to church was far safer than what we had done in our groups. That made sense to me:
I‘ve been there --holding the hand of the devil, so this won‘t be as bad. It also helped to
hear that to be in a true community of faith was to be in a relationship, that you didn‘t go
and spill your guts at the feet of some person, but learned how much to say and how much
not to say, and to trust slowly, to proceed in small steps to see if this person was
trustworthy. Another part of building community and relationship for me were my
conversations with a Christian friend, who is also a counselor.
realized everything about the group was so predictable, manipulative, and external. That
realization was devastating.
About three years after I was out of the group, I went to a Cult Awareness Network (CAN)
conference, which was really a very different beginning for me than the counseling had
been. Sharing with other ex-members who had been through the same thing began a
different, more serious, kind of healing. It was the beginning of some healing of the heart.
The counseling, I think, was healing of the mind. Meeting other ex-members was very
significant for me, and I stayed quite involved with CAN and with FOCUS, the ex-member‘s
support part of the organization --those continued to be important support systems.
Also, during that same time, I had a friend who was alcoholic and was just going into
treatment. I knew nothing about alcoholism, so I went to an Alanon meeting. That first
meeting also was a significant turning point for me, because I realized there was a way to
have a God in my life again. And it was a God of my understanding --nobody else‘s
definition. For me, that was very, very important. It was the first time I was able to have
any kind of a God in my life again. I went through several years developing more of a
spiritual life. I could not go back to church because it just had too many triggers.
I did begin to have some kind of a spiritual life again, just through the idea of a God of my
understanding. I was able to get mad, which also meant a lot to me --to find out that God
could handle that.
My parents were very concerned and supportive all the way through this. Even at the outset
of my involvement with the Emissaries, they had wondered whether the group was a cult,
but at that time, there was just not much information. They tried to find information but
could find none, and they didn‘t know what else to do except stay in touch, which they did.
In spite of my not getting back in touch with them, they stayed in touch with me --no
matter what I did --and that was really important. They prayed for me, and they had
friends who were supportive and prayed for me too.
When I came out of the group, my parents did not pressure me to come back to church,
which would have slowed me down by leaps and bounds. It was really important that they
gave me lots of space and trusted that I would find my way.
I went back to school in 1990 for a degree in counseling, also another significant turning
point, because it gave me the time and the space to look at psychological issues in depth.
Those issues overlap tremendously with spiritual issues as far as I‘m concerned it‘s hard to
draw the line between them.
During the past two or three years, I really wanted to be a part of a community, but I didn‘t
know how to do that. I didn‘t have any sense that I could go back to church --it still was
just too triggering. At the annual CAN conferences, FOCUS sessions always were on spiritual
concerns, and I looked forward to these renewing and rejuvenating experiences. People
talked about what they were finding that worked for them. I remember different people,
both clergy and ex-members, talking about finding a path out of the fear. Another person,
interestingly enough, quoted a line from some rock-and-roll song, that he had held the hand
of the devil. He was saying of his own experience, ―I have done that,‖ and that for us to go
back to church was far safer than what we had done in our groups. That made sense to me:
I‘ve been there --holding the hand of the devil, so this won‘t be as bad. It also helped to
hear that to be in a true community of faith was to be in a relationship, that you didn‘t go
and spill your guts at the feet of some person, but learned how much to say and how much
not to say, and to trust slowly, to proceed in small steps to see if this person was
trustworthy. Another part of building community and relationship for me were my
conversations with a Christian friend, who is also a counselor.
