Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 1, No. 2, 2002, Page 34
Getting Help
Livia Bardin, M.S.W.
Therapist, Clinical Social Worker
Washington, D.C.
Question
I left a Bible-based cult almost a year ago. My entire family (parents and four siblings) are
still there, and believe I am living in rebellion against God because I left the ―only true
church.‖ What is the best way to tell them the truth about their group, when they twist
everything I say, and use it against me? It took me three years to come to the realization
that I needed to leave. Will it just take them time, also, even though they react so violently
against everything I say?
Response
Before you can tell your family the truth about the group, they must be ready to hear it.
And they must feel safe enough to risk talking about it to you. Remember how threatening
the outside world looks from inside a cult! When you were in the group, how did members
feel about people who left? How would you have felt – and reacted --if someone told you it
was a cult?
Be mindful of your own experiences as you set about this ambitious project. As a former
member, you have unusual advantages and disadvantages: You know the group very well.
You know its beliefs and practices. You know its language. You know its leaders. And you
know firsthand what is wrong. On the other hand, as a fallen-away adherent, you are an
object of fear and pity to those still in the group: pity because you are now ―lost,‖ ―fallen,‖
or otherwise damned fear lest you infect them with your ―heresies.‖
It‘s noteworthy that you are in communication with the family. Stay in touch. Try to
reassure them. Avoid topics that trigger their violent, thought-stopping defenses. Keep
communications simple and non-threatening: ―I love you,‖ and ―I will always be here for
you,‖ are two important things for them to know. Focus on achieving a relationship where
one or more family members will eventually feel able to ask you for your version (as
opposed to the group‘s version) of why you left.
Think about the individual members of the family, rather than the family as a whole. Whom
were you especially close to? Has anyone indicated dissatisfaction with some aspect of the
group? Suffered a negative experience or major frustration because of the group? Is there
anyone who is less enthusiastic about the group than the others? Is there someone whose
leadership others tend to follow? Who gains the most out of belonging? Who gains the
least? Concentrating on one person at a time will help you plan an approach tailored to
each individual‘s needs, wants, and emotional connection to you and increase your chance
of success.
It‘s also important to examine your own relationship to the group. You may be out of the
group, but the group may not be entirely ―out‖ of you. You may still have highly-charged
emotions, such as anger about your experience, shame about things you did while in the
group, or even guilt about having left (Elitist feelings die hard.). Strong emotions will show
when you begin talking to your family and may impair your ability to stay calm and
persuasive. Furthermore, the family may sense these feelings and distance themselves
from you.
It will help if the family sees that you are happy and succeeding in your life outside the
group. As a Bible group, they may consider that your punishment is ordained and lies in the
future, but as people, they will note your personal, and especially your spiritual, growth and
development in your new life.
Getting Help
Livia Bardin, M.S.W.
Therapist, Clinical Social Worker
Washington, D.C.
Question
I left a Bible-based cult almost a year ago. My entire family (parents and four siblings) are
still there, and believe I am living in rebellion against God because I left the ―only true
church.‖ What is the best way to tell them the truth about their group, when they twist
everything I say, and use it against me? It took me three years to come to the realization
that I needed to leave. Will it just take them time, also, even though they react so violently
against everything I say?
Response
Before you can tell your family the truth about the group, they must be ready to hear it.
And they must feel safe enough to risk talking about it to you. Remember how threatening
the outside world looks from inside a cult! When you were in the group, how did members
feel about people who left? How would you have felt – and reacted --if someone told you it
was a cult?
Be mindful of your own experiences as you set about this ambitious project. As a former
member, you have unusual advantages and disadvantages: You know the group very well.
You know its beliefs and practices. You know its language. You know its leaders. And you
know firsthand what is wrong. On the other hand, as a fallen-away adherent, you are an
object of fear and pity to those still in the group: pity because you are now ―lost,‖ ―fallen,‖
or otherwise damned fear lest you infect them with your ―heresies.‖
It‘s noteworthy that you are in communication with the family. Stay in touch. Try to
reassure them. Avoid topics that trigger their violent, thought-stopping defenses. Keep
communications simple and non-threatening: ―I love you,‖ and ―I will always be here for
you,‖ are two important things for them to know. Focus on achieving a relationship where
one or more family members will eventually feel able to ask you for your version (as
opposed to the group‘s version) of why you left.
Think about the individual members of the family, rather than the family as a whole. Whom
were you especially close to? Has anyone indicated dissatisfaction with some aspect of the
group? Suffered a negative experience or major frustration because of the group? Is there
anyone who is less enthusiastic about the group than the others? Is there someone whose
leadership others tend to follow? Who gains the most out of belonging? Who gains the
least? Concentrating on one person at a time will help you plan an approach tailored to
each individual‘s needs, wants, and emotional connection to you and increase your chance
of success.
It‘s also important to examine your own relationship to the group. You may be out of the
group, but the group may not be entirely ―out‖ of you. You may still have highly-charged
emotions, such as anger about your experience, shame about things you did while in the
group, or even guilt about having left (Elitist feelings die hard.). Strong emotions will show
when you begin talking to your family and may impair your ability to stay calm and
persuasive. Furthermore, the family may sense these feelings and distance themselves
from you.
It will help if the family sees that you are happy and succeeding in your life outside the
group. As a Bible group, they may consider that your punishment is ordained and lies in the
future, but as people, they will note your personal, and especially your spiritual, growth and
development in your new life.
