Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, 2006, Page 91
Brown manages to depict the Ashram through the eyes of a clever but puzzled child. She is
introduced to the ―Mandali‖ (Baba‘s chief disciples), who pinch her cheeks. ―It was like being
introduced to some annoying ancient relative at Thanksgiving, except that there were
twenty of them, and they were not going to go away when the holidays were over.‖ She has
a somewhat traumatic experience when she is accosted by a ―Mast‖ or ―God-intoxicated‖
saint. A Mast, she has been told, may act like a madman, but he is really ―drunk on God,‖
and he is thus very spiritually advanced. Rachel realizes that, back home in Los Angeles, her
mother would grab my hand and run across the street if she saw a smelly old man talking to
himself. But here in Ahmednagar, they gave crazy people jobs and places to live and said
they were close to Baba. It was confusing.
When she was a child at the Ashram, Rachel decided that the idea that Baba was God was
an abstract notion, which she assumed she might one day come to understand. As an adult,
she now cannot accept Baba‘s divinity, but neither is she fiercely antagonistic to Baba. She
doesn‘t think that Baba can be dismissed ―as yet another charismatic con man.‖ She notes
that Baba ―did not amass wealth or stockpile weapons or use his followers for sex…‖
Moreover, ―a lifetime of self-imposed silence bespeaks sincerity.‖Rachel did not come to
accept the idea that Baba was God, ―but I believed that he believed it.‖
Unlike some apostates from esoteric religions, Rachel Brown is not on a fervent crusade.
She does, however, depict some Baba-lovers, principally her mother, as rather silly. ―At the
Ashram, Baba‘s name was on everybody‘s lips at all times. It was used as punctuation, as a
greeting, as an exclamation, as a goodbye or as a prayer.‖ The author‘s mother used Baba‘s
name as a sort of ―all-purpose conjunction, ‗Oh Baba, what a nice sunny day‘ ...‗Oh Baba,
the train‘s late again.‘‖ She even ―followed burps and sneezes with a trailing sigh of ‗Oh,
Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba.‘‖ Portraits like this may give readers an overall
negative impression of what it is to be a Baba-lover, although a careful reading will reveal
that not all devotees are as fatuous as the author depicts her own devout mother.
In fact, the author seems to be rather obsessed with her mother. She wants to discover
whether, as she strongly suspects, her mom was abused as a child by her father. (The
author reports receiving an actual sexual advance from her maternal grandfather.) Rachel
speculates on how childhood abuse has affected her mother‘s life and how it might relate to
her mother‘s spiritual apotheosis. Her mother, like other Baba-lovers, believes that one‘s
goal in life should be to work toward the extinction of one‘s illusory façade of self. Did her
abusive childhood ―make her wish she didn‘t exist?‖ Did the entire world now seem to
Rachel‘s mother to be treacherous? What can offer her ―more certainty, more pure and
sexless love ...and drive bad memories away than God Almighty? What could be less
threatening than a celibate God who didn‘t speak?‖
Of course, these are mainly tentative suggestions by the author. She realizes that
throughout history ―some people have always abandoned everything to go knocking on
God‘s door.‖ It seems likely that not all devotees are disturbed or neurotic.
Rachel Brown‘s memoir is particularly insightful in places. She may have a point in
attributing part of Meher Baba‘s appeal to his ambiguity. ―Baba-lovers often have widely
varying ideas of what Baba-loving is all about...‖ Moreover, ―many philosophies can find
support somewhere in the mass of Baba‘s writing.‖ The author treats Baba and his devotees
with skepticism but generally not with intense contempt. Nevertheless, some Baba-lovers
may have problems with the volume, as did the author‘s mother, who was not pleased with
a manuscript of several early chapters that she received. Satire and jocular ribbing will
sometimes present a more potent challenge to a faith than will strident denunciation.
This volume did, however, disappoint me in a few respects. Although the author doesn‘t
provide dates, which would have been helpful, it seems likely that Rachel Brown‘s sojourn in
Ahmednagar transpired a decade or more after my own marginal Baba involvement. She
Brown manages to depict the Ashram through the eyes of a clever but puzzled child. She is
introduced to the ―Mandali‖ (Baba‘s chief disciples), who pinch her cheeks. ―It was like being
introduced to some annoying ancient relative at Thanksgiving, except that there were
twenty of them, and they were not going to go away when the holidays were over.‖ She has
a somewhat traumatic experience when she is accosted by a ―Mast‖ or ―God-intoxicated‖
saint. A Mast, she has been told, may act like a madman, but he is really ―drunk on God,‖
and he is thus very spiritually advanced. Rachel realizes that, back home in Los Angeles, her
mother would grab my hand and run across the street if she saw a smelly old man talking to
himself. But here in Ahmednagar, they gave crazy people jobs and places to live and said
they were close to Baba. It was confusing.
When she was a child at the Ashram, Rachel decided that the idea that Baba was God was
an abstract notion, which she assumed she might one day come to understand. As an adult,
she now cannot accept Baba‘s divinity, but neither is she fiercely antagonistic to Baba. She
doesn‘t think that Baba can be dismissed ―as yet another charismatic con man.‖ She notes
that Baba ―did not amass wealth or stockpile weapons or use his followers for sex…‖
Moreover, ―a lifetime of self-imposed silence bespeaks sincerity.‖Rachel did not come to
accept the idea that Baba was God, ―but I believed that he believed it.‖
Unlike some apostates from esoteric religions, Rachel Brown is not on a fervent crusade.
She does, however, depict some Baba-lovers, principally her mother, as rather silly. ―At the
Ashram, Baba‘s name was on everybody‘s lips at all times. It was used as punctuation, as a
greeting, as an exclamation, as a goodbye or as a prayer.‖ The author‘s mother used Baba‘s
name as a sort of ―all-purpose conjunction, ‗Oh Baba, what a nice sunny day‘ ...‗Oh Baba,
the train‘s late again.‘‖ She even ―followed burps and sneezes with a trailing sigh of ‗Oh,
Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba, Baba.‘‖ Portraits like this may give readers an overall
negative impression of what it is to be a Baba-lover, although a careful reading will reveal
that not all devotees are as fatuous as the author depicts her own devout mother.
In fact, the author seems to be rather obsessed with her mother. She wants to discover
whether, as she strongly suspects, her mom was abused as a child by her father. (The
author reports receiving an actual sexual advance from her maternal grandfather.) Rachel
speculates on how childhood abuse has affected her mother‘s life and how it might relate to
her mother‘s spiritual apotheosis. Her mother, like other Baba-lovers, believes that one‘s
goal in life should be to work toward the extinction of one‘s illusory façade of self. Did her
abusive childhood ―make her wish she didn‘t exist?‖ Did the entire world now seem to
Rachel‘s mother to be treacherous? What can offer her ―more certainty, more pure and
sexless love ...and drive bad memories away than God Almighty? What could be less
threatening than a celibate God who didn‘t speak?‖
Of course, these are mainly tentative suggestions by the author. She realizes that
throughout history ―some people have always abandoned everything to go knocking on
God‘s door.‖ It seems likely that not all devotees are disturbed or neurotic.
Rachel Brown‘s memoir is particularly insightful in places. She may have a point in
attributing part of Meher Baba‘s appeal to his ambiguity. ―Baba-lovers often have widely
varying ideas of what Baba-loving is all about...‖ Moreover, ―many philosophies can find
support somewhere in the mass of Baba‘s writing.‖ The author treats Baba and his devotees
with skepticism but generally not with intense contempt. Nevertheless, some Baba-lovers
may have problems with the volume, as did the author‘s mother, who was not pleased with
a manuscript of several early chapters that she received. Satire and jocular ribbing will
sometimes present a more potent challenge to a faith than will strident denunciation.
This volume did, however, disappoint me in a few respects. Although the author doesn‘t
provide dates, which would have been helpful, it seems likely that Rachel Brown‘s sojourn in
Ahmednagar transpired a decade or more after my own marginal Baba involvement. She
