Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, 2006, Page 15
After leaving the cult, Sue initially felt relief about no longer having to adhere to such a
strict doctrine. However, for several post-cult years, she continued to struggle with
attempting to separate from cult experiences and attitudes that seemed to limit her life.
Instead of a consolidation at the end of adolescence, Sue experienced a split life.
After a year in therapy, Sue decided to enter graduate school in journalism in an attempt to
recapture some of what she had lost.
―When I started therapy,‖ she wrote to me,
I felt like I had lost so much time. And I wanted so much to understand what
had happened. And I wanted to get a career and a relationship. And I wanted
to get better. I wanted to get better so badly, I did what I could to get myself
into a position where I could start accomplishing something. I wanted to feel
good about myself and feel whole. But I don‘t feel whole. Because I‘m still
trying to pretend like this didn‘t happen.
It‘s exactly like it was in high school. I reveal my secret to people I feel safe
revealing it to. I rushed through therapy because it was what I needed to do
to get through graduate school. And I was hard on myself because I wanted
to be OK. I needed to exorcise my grief. But, in doing so, it‘s all been in this
frenzy to catch up and right a wrong. And now I‘m beginning to understand
so clearly that I‘ll never ever change what happened to me and that this is
not the way I‘m going to get better. And I‘m not going to feel complete this
way. Because the only thing I could ever do is try to make my life normal on
the outside only: trying to keep it going. To say, ―Hey, I‘m in this thing, this is
happening but I‘m still like you guys.‖ But you know what? I wasn‘t. And I‘m
not. I still have that split.
Sue describes the emotions that often are experienced by those raised in cults. Members
are induced to use the splitting defense to see the cult world as all good and the outside
world as evil. Markowitz and Halperin point out that splitting further occurs because cultists
are induced to split off and isolate old affects (which are part of their earlier experiences).
Doing this promotes a strong separation between old ties [and attitudes] and the cult
(Markowitz and Halperin, 1984). Although this splitting process usually is applied to first-
generation cultists, if it occurs early in adolescence, it can have a greater impact on the
personality (which still is in development). Sue, like Tim, attempted to look ―normal‖ on the
outside, but they were painfully aware of feeling so different, and this created distance from
others in their lives. Splitting off their past left each of them vulnerable to periods of
depression and anxiety. Integration of the past into the present has allowed each of them to
feel more acceptance of who they are, more in control of their actions. This integration also
results in their having more energy to participate in life. Both Tim and Sue also revealed a
split superego or conscience. They each struggled with following their own instincts to
survive rather than strictly adhering to the moral code of the cult. Going against the rules
left them feeling guilty and ashamed.
The following is an example of how Sue began to integrate her life: After about six months
of therapy, she confided in me that she has a secret life that she shares with no one, not
even her closest friends: She goes to bars and clubs with a separate, younger group of
friends and picks up guys. This sexual side of her contrasts sharply with her prim and
proper image. As we began to explore this, Sue saw that the need to have a secret life
originated when she was 14 and entered the cult. It was her way of rebelling against the
restrictions of the cult and of holding onto her former independent self. This behavior was
also Sue‘s attempt to do some of the activities that she had been restricted from doing
while she was in the cult.
After leaving the cult, Sue initially felt relief about no longer having to adhere to such a
strict doctrine. However, for several post-cult years, she continued to struggle with
attempting to separate from cult experiences and attitudes that seemed to limit her life.
Instead of a consolidation at the end of adolescence, Sue experienced a split life.
After a year in therapy, Sue decided to enter graduate school in journalism in an attempt to
recapture some of what she had lost.
―When I started therapy,‖ she wrote to me,
I felt like I had lost so much time. And I wanted so much to understand what
had happened. And I wanted to get a career and a relationship. And I wanted
to get better. I wanted to get better so badly, I did what I could to get myself
into a position where I could start accomplishing something. I wanted to feel
good about myself and feel whole. But I don‘t feel whole. Because I‘m still
trying to pretend like this didn‘t happen.
It‘s exactly like it was in high school. I reveal my secret to people I feel safe
revealing it to. I rushed through therapy because it was what I needed to do
to get through graduate school. And I was hard on myself because I wanted
to be OK. I needed to exorcise my grief. But, in doing so, it‘s all been in this
frenzy to catch up and right a wrong. And now I‘m beginning to understand
so clearly that I‘ll never ever change what happened to me and that this is
not the way I‘m going to get better. And I‘m not going to feel complete this
way. Because the only thing I could ever do is try to make my life normal on
the outside only: trying to keep it going. To say, ―Hey, I‘m in this thing, this is
happening but I‘m still like you guys.‖ But you know what? I wasn‘t. And I‘m
not. I still have that split.
Sue describes the emotions that often are experienced by those raised in cults. Members
are induced to use the splitting defense to see the cult world as all good and the outside
world as evil. Markowitz and Halperin point out that splitting further occurs because cultists
are induced to split off and isolate old affects (which are part of their earlier experiences).
Doing this promotes a strong separation between old ties [and attitudes] and the cult
(Markowitz and Halperin, 1984). Although this splitting process usually is applied to first-
generation cultists, if it occurs early in adolescence, it can have a greater impact on the
personality (which still is in development). Sue, like Tim, attempted to look ―normal‖ on the
outside, but they were painfully aware of feeling so different, and this created distance from
others in their lives. Splitting off their past left each of them vulnerable to periods of
depression and anxiety. Integration of the past into the present has allowed each of them to
feel more acceptance of who they are, more in control of their actions. This integration also
results in their having more energy to participate in life. Both Tim and Sue also revealed a
split superego or conscience. They each struggled with following their own instincts to
survive rather than strictly adhering to the moral code of the cult. Going against the rules
left them feeling guilty and ashamed.
The following is an example of how Sue began to integrate her life: After about six months
of therapy, she confided in me that she has a secret life that she shares with no one, not
even her closest friends: She goes to bars and clubs with a separate, younger group of
friends and picks up guys. This sexual side of her contrasts sharply with her prim and
proper image. As we began to explore this, Sue saw that the need to have a secret life
originated when she was 14 and entered the cult. It was her way of rebelling against the
restrictions of the cult and of holding onto her former independent self. This behavior was
also Sue‘s attempt to do some of the activities that she had been restricted from doing
while she was in the cult.
