Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, 2006, Page 11
One day, Tim came into a session and began telling me how his wife had asked him to do
tasks around the house over the week-end. He felt that he had to comply with her wishes,
but he resented doing so. In response to this situation, I saw my role with Tim as two-fold.
First, I would help him to reflect on his characteristic response—passivity—in the face of her
request. Therefore, I first pointed out that although Tim seemed to resent all the tasks his
wife requested, he always seemed to comply automatically. He said that he never realized
that he had a choice. This was the beginning of our examination of how his passivity,
learned from early childhood and reinforced by the cult, was playing out in his marriage and
might lead Tim to secretly rebel against her in some way.
Second, I asked him to think of, and I later suggested, some additional ways he might deal
with the demands of his wife or others. As we reflected on this, it became clear to Tim that
he could negotiate a middle ground, he could simply refuse, or he could tell his wife to do
the chores. He did not have to passively comply. Over time, Tim began to see that his wife
was not quite as unreasonable as he had seen her to be in the past. She was not as rigid as
his cult leader and parents had been.
Asserting himself with his wife and others was a difficult change for Tim. However, as he
became more assertive, he became less depressed and more hopeful about life and his
ability to influence others and he experienced some control over his life. This change in
behavior also helped him become less dependent.
Despite this new ability to assert himself, on occasion Tim continued to be flooded with
anger and resentment at his wife. Together we attempted to sort out how much of this
anger had to do with her. In describing his strong reactions to anything she asked him to
do, Tim began to get a sense that his reaction was not simply in response to her requests.
Sorting this out and talking about the first and earliest sources of his anger, as well as his
emerging ability to assert himself in new situations, helped him to defuse the intensity of his
reactions as well as his sense of powerlessness in life.
As with many of those with whom I have worked who have been raised in cults, Tim had
been poorly educated and was working well below his abilities. He began to focus on his
difficulty dealing with one of his bosses. He believed that he was being exploited, and
initially he felt that he was unable to change his situation. As we sorted out which of his
reactions were based on realistic appraisals of his boss, he began to observe that some of
these reactions might be coming from the past. This helped Tim negotiate with his boss
more successfully. Eventually, he left the company and developed his own business.
Although Tim worked hard in his new business, it initially was difficult for him to feel that he
had a right to charge a fair fee for his services. As we explored this reluctance, he
connected this to guilty feelings: He had no right to make a good living and become
successful. He believed that those attitudes were selfish and materialistic. He should serve
others. Tim perceived these attitudes as originating in the cult. However, upon reflection, he
began to discuss the cult‘s hypocrisy. Members were supposed to be self-sacrificing, while
leaders lived lavishly. In contrast to the black and white extremes of cult life, we explored
ways in which he could serve both others‘ needs and his own in his post-cult life.
Furthermore, I pointed out that perhaps his need not to charge the proper rate for his
services was helping him to continue to feel exploited, rather than letting him feel better
about life and the people in it. These were masochistic and paranoid attitudes from the cult,
which he continued to harbor.
In time, Tim began to consider that to be paid for doing a good job did not mean that he
was exploiting others subsequently, he began to feel less used by others in life. However,
in further examination of these attitudes, he also believed that in some way he did not
deserve a successful life. As with many former members of cults, he was left with a residue
of guilt about leaving a group that might have been the path of God. Therefore, he began to
One day, Tim came into a session and began telling me how his wife had asked him to do
tasks around the house over the week-end. He felt that he had to comply with her wishes,
but he resented doing so. In response to this situation, I saw my role with Tim as two-fold.
First, I would help him to reflect on his characteristic response—passivity—in the face of her
request. Therefore, I first pointed out that although Tim seemed to resent all the tasks his
wife requested, he always seemed to comply automatically. He said that he never realized
that he had a choice. This was the beginning of our examination of how his passivity,
learned from early childhood and reinforced by the cult, was playing out in his marriage and
might lead Tim to secretly rebel against her in some way.
Second, I asked him to think of, and I later suggested, some additional ways he might deal
with the demands of his wife or others. As we reflected on this, it became clear to Tim that
he could negotiate a middle ground, he could simply refuse, or he could tell his wife to do
the chores. He did not have to passively comply. Over time, Tim began to see that his wife
was not quite as unreasonable as he had seen her to be in the past. She was not as rigid as
his cult leader and parents had been.
Asserting himself with his wife and others was a difficult change for Tim. However, as he
became more assertive, he became less depressed and more hopeful about life and his
ability to influence others and he experienced some control over his life. This change in
behavior also helped him become less dependent.
Despite this new ability to assert himself, on occasion Tim continued to be flooded with
anger and resentment at his wife. Together we attempted to sort out how much of this
anger had to do with her. In describing his strong reactions to anything she asked him to
do, Tim began to get a sense that his reaction was not simply in response to her requests.
Sorting this out and talking about the first and earliest sources of his anger, as well as his
emerging ability to assert himself in new situations, helped him to defuse the intensity of his
reactions as well as his sense of powerlessness in life.
As with many of those with whom I have worked who have been raised in cults, Tim had
been poorly educated and was working well below his abilities. He began to focus on his
difficulty dealing with one of his bosses. He believed that he was being exploited, and
initially he felt that he was unable to change his situation. As we sorted out which of his
reactions were based on realistic appraisals of his boss, he began to observe that some of
these reactions might be coming from the past. This helped Tim negotiate with his boss
more successfully. Eventually, he left the company and developed his own business.
Although Tim worked hard in his new business, it initially was difficult for him to feel that he
had a right to charge a fair fee for his services. As we explored this reluctance, he
connected this to guilty feelings: He had no right to make a good living and become
successful. He believed that those attitudes were selfish and materialistic. He should serve
others. Tim perceived these attitudes as originating in the cult. However, upon reflection, he
began to discuss the cult‘s hypocrisy. Members were supposed to be self-sacrificing, while
leaders lived lavishly. In contrast to the black and white extremes of cult life, we explored
ways in which he could serve both others‘ needs and his own in his post-cult life.
Furthermore, I pointed out that perhaps his need not to charge the proper rate for his
services was helping him to continue to feel exploited, rather than letting him feel better
about life and the people in it. These were masochistic and paranoid attitudes from the cult,
which he continued to harbor.
In time, Tim began to consider that to be paid for doing a good job did not mean that he
was exploiting others subsequently, he began to feel less used by others in life. However,
in further examination of these attitudes, he also believed that in some way he did not
deserve a successful life. As with many former members of cults, he was left with a residue
of guilt about leaving a group that might have been the path of God. Therefore, he began to
