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As we discussed Sue‘s feelings after these incidents, however, she began to see how they
were risky and might serve her need to punish herself. They also served to fuel her self-
hatred. I pointed out that this secret life seemed to keep her from figuring out how to begin
to have a more meaningful relationship with a man. As we examined all of this together,
Sue began to explore the minister‘s and teen leader‘s sexual exploitation of her and how it
has made her feel like a prostitute. As she began to share more of her secret life with me,
she became angrier at her minister. Soon she began to recognize that all men don‘t just
want sex and that all men don‘t desire to exploit others. As this need to act out
unconsciously was made more conscious, Sue had less of a need to engage in this risky,
self-destructive behavior. She was more motivated to meet men without continually
splitting her behavior in two—bad or good girl.
I have seen this duality of personality, looking good on the outside and doing ―bad‖ things
in secret, in many of the former cultists with whom I have worked. Because of the need to
project a perfect image, adolescents in cults begin to develop an underground or secret life
in order to rebel or continue to hold onto a sense of self—that is, liveliness. Those who have
been raised in cults also desire to experience all those activities that had been forbidden to
them while in the cult. They often feel that they were robbed of a normal childhood, and
they often engage in childish or adolescent activities. However, since they presently are
adults, they often feel ashamed of these desires. (For example, in time, Tim disclosed his
love of his train set and other toys.) As trust builds in the therapeutic relationship, former
members are able to begin to examine this secret, split-off life. If the therapist is simply
curious and open to examining this, rather than being judgmental (the transference
expectation), the individual is able to begin to heal this split and become a more authentic
person.
At one point, in therapy, Sue wrote to me,
When I was a teenager I used to feel so trapped and hopeless: the object of
my minister‘s disapproval for not having panned out as a teen leader. I felt so
hopeless all the time living in between. So I used to complain about all the
homework I had to do, all the time I had to spend evangelizing and attending
―teen‖ functions and how tired I was. These were all valid complaints and
justifiable for a normal teenager. But it always left me more frustrated than if
I didn‘t say anything at all, because I would just be ―rebuked‖ for my bad
attitude and independent and selfish spirit. But, also, it was so frustrating,
because I was only complaining about the symptoms of what I was really sad
about. What I really wanted to do was shout and scream and cry for help
about my doubts, the fact that I desperately wanted a boyfriend and to feel
attractive, that I wanted to go to parties and share secrets and not be an
outsider: That I wanted to grow into someone individual. That I was so, so
desperately scared of becoming lost: becoming just a woman of God. But
there was no one to tell these things to—except my journal. So I kept talking
about symptoms over and over again—hoping someone would catch on. But
that never happened. I think that my bouts of depression were a cry for
someone to help me understand.
Several writers have noted how diaries have helped the adolescent gain access to inner life
(Dalsimer, 1967 Blos, 1962). Journal writing seemed to be the way that Sue kept in touch
with her secret, inner thoughts. As with Anne Frank, Sue‘s diary became her best confidant.
Anne relied on her diary, because she was deprived of friendships when her family went into
hiding. Sue was placed in a situation in which she could not be candid with her friends, with
her family, nor with individuals from the cult. Sue‘s journal also allowed her to keep in touch
with the shifting roles she was forced to play. Perhaps the absence of a normal life and the
ability to feel totally involved with friends and boyfriends sharpened her sensitivity to her

Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, 2006, Page 17
inner life, and her need to write in a journal to feel more stabilized. The comfort of the
journal has led to and continues with Sue‘s chosen career of journalism.6
One day, Sue was very distraught as she entered my office. She had forgotten to take care
of something at work that resulted in a missed deadline. She relentlessly kept berating
herself. I told her that we weren‘t angels walking on earth, and we are bound to make
mistakes in our lives. My reaction surprised her. Later, she again was surprised when her
supervisor did not condemn her for her mistake. In the cult, she had been taught that she
was a sinner who must constantly repent and ask for forgiveness. But the paradox is that
the goal in the cult is perfection: to be angels on earth. The cult left her with an anxious
feeling that she could never catch up to perfection. As Sue felt less of a need to project a
perfect image, her anxiety decreased. And as Sue‘s superego became less harsh and
uncompromising, she became less depressed. With less anxiety and depression, she became
less involved in a whole range of potentially self-destructive behaviors to discharge her
anxiety. And she became more able to feel pleasure in life.
Conclusion
I believe these cases illustrate how cult life can have an impact upon and influence
character development and particularly adolescent development. Although each of these
individuals came into their cult environments with a pre-existing temperament, the cultic
environments influenced each of their characters in harmful ways. In the authoritarian world
of the cult, a conscience often is developed based on the need to please the cult leader.
Initiative is discouraged because it might put the follower at risk. Therefore, passivity is
enhanced. The followers also typically take in the harsh attitudes of the cult leader and
attempt to meet a standard of perfection. However, concurrently, they sometimes develop a
secret rebellious life.
Nevertheless, these cases also reveal how those raised in cults can thrive once they have
the opportunity to live richer and fuller lives. I am amazed by the perseverance these
individuals and other former members have shown to improve their lives. Their demanding
cult environments have encouraged them to be conscientious and hardworking individuals,
and this pattern is reflected in the way they approach therapy. The cult leader has used the
demand for perfection as a vehicle for exploiting members. It is important for them to
become aware of how impossible and self-destructive the wish to attain perfection can be.
The goal is to appreciate the hardworking aspects of their characters, but to lessen the
anxiety and self-reproach attached to the need to do well. Therapy with these individuals
needs to focus on helping them incorporate a more compassionate and loving attitude
toward themselves. Accomplishing this task also will enhance their relationships with others.
As they soften the harshness of their attitudes, they can begin to integrate the split-off
parts of themselves that often lead to self-destructive behavior and depression.
Notes
[1] Temperament refers to the child‘s basic genetic endowment that underlies personality.
Moore and Fine define it as the ―constitutionally determined affectomotor and cognitive
tendencies‖ (Moore and Fine, p. 141, 1990).
[2] Schore notes that the experience of a negative early relationship can lead to a limited ability to
regulate the frequency, intensity, and duration of primitive negative states—i.e., rage, shame, and
terror (Schore, 1994).
[3] I wish to be sensitive to the negative emotional reactions that second-generation individuals
might have to the term ―cult members.‖ It is important to remember that these second-generation
individuals were placed in cults via their parents, and they had no choice in that decision. I believe
that, in part, their feelings about this fact are reflected in a desire to be seen as different from, and
distinguished from, first-generation former cultists.
[4] In contrast to Sue, many second-generation cultists whom I have gotten to know begin leaving
their cults, sometimes without their families, during their adolescence or in their twenties.