Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 5, No. 1, 2006, Page 16
As we discussed Sue‘s feelings after these incidents, however, she began to see how they
were risky and might serve her need to punish herself. They also served to fuel her self-
hatred. I pointed out that this secret life seemed to keep her from figuring out how to begin
to have a more meaningful relationship with a man. As we examined all of this together,
Sue began to explore the minister‘s and teen leader‘s sexual exploitation of her and how it
has made her feel like a prostitute. As she began to share more of her secret life with me,
she became angrier at her minister. Soon she began to recognize that all men don‘t just
want sex and that all men don‘t desire to exploit others. As this need to act out
unconsciously was made more conscious, Sue had less of a need to engage in this risky,
self-destructive behavior. She was more motivated to meet men without continually
splitting her behavior in two—bad or good girl.
I have seen this duality of personality, looking good on the outside and doing ―bad‖ things
in secret, in many of the former cultists with whom I have worked. Because of the need to
project a perfect image, adolescents in cults begin to develop an underground or secret life
in order to rebel or continue to hold onto a sense of self—that is, liveliness. Those who have
been raised in cults also desire to experience all those activities that had been forbidden to
them while in the cult. They often feel that they were robbed of a normal childhood, and
they often engage in childish or adolescent activities. However, since they presently are
adults, they often feel ashamed of these desires. (For example, in time, Tim disclosed his
love of his train set and other toys.) As trust builds in the therapeutic relationship, former
members are able to begin to examine this secret, split-off life. If the therapist is simply
curious and open to examining this, rather than being judgmental (the transference
expectation), the individual is able to begin to heal this split and become a more authentic
person.
At one point, in therapy, Sue wrote to me,
When I was a teenager I used to feel so trapped and hopeless: the object of
my minister‘s disapproval for not having panned out as a teen leader. I felt so
hopeless all the time living in between. So I used to complain about all the
homework I had to do, all the time I had to spend evangelizing and attending
―teen‖ functions and how tired I was. These were all valid complaints and
justifiable for a normal teenager. But it always left me more frustrated than if
I didn‘t say anything at all, because I would just be ―rebuked‖ for my bad
attitude and independent and selfish spirit. But, also, it was so frustrating,
because I was only complaining about the symptoms of what I was really sad
about. What I really wanted to do was shout and scream and cry for help
about my doubts, the fact that I desperately wanted a boyfriend and to feel
attractive, that I wanted to go to parties and share secrets and not be an
outsider: That I wanted to grow into someone individual. That I was so, so
desperately scared of becoming lost: becoming just a woman of God. But
there was no one to tell these things to—except my journal. So I kept talking
about symptoms over and over again—hoping someone would catch on. But
that never happened. I think that my bouts of depression were a cry for
someone to help me understand.
Several writers have noted how diaries have helped the adolescent gain access to inner life
(Dalsimer, 1967 Blos, 1962). Journal writing seemed to be the way that Sue kept in touch
with her secret, inner thoughts. As with Anne Frank, Sue‘s diary became her best confidant.
Anne relied on her diary, because she was deprived of friendships when her family went into
hiding. Sue was placed in a situation in which she could not be candid with her friends, with
her family, nor with individuals from the cult. Sue‘s journal also allowed her to keep in touch
with the shifting roles she was forced to play. Perhaps the absence of a normal life and the
ability to feel totally involved with friends and boyfriends sharpened her sensitivity to her
As we discussed Sue‘s feelings after these incidents, however, she began to see how they
were risky and might serve her need to punish herself. They also served to fuel her self-
hatred. I pointed out that this secret life seemed to keep her from figuring out how to begin
to have a more meaningful relationship with a man. As we examined all of this together,
Sue began to explore the minister‘s and teen leader‘s sexual exploitation of her and how it
has made her feel like a prostitute. As she began to share more of her secret life with me,
she became angrier at her minister. Soon she began to recognize that all men don‘t just
want sex and that all men don‘t desire to exploit others. As this need to act out
unconsciously was made more conscious, Sue had less of a need to engage in this risky,
self-destructive behavior. She was more motivated to meet men without continually
splitting her behavior in two—bad or good girl.
I have seen this duality of personality, looking good on the outside and doing ―bad‖ things
in secret, in many of the former cultists with whom I have worked. Because of the need to
project a perfect image, adolescents in cults begin to develop an underground or secret life
in order to rebel or continue to hold onto a sense of self—that is, liveliness. Those who have
been raised in cults also desire to experience all those activities that had been forbidden to
them while in the cult. They often feel that they were robbed of a normal childhood, and
they often engage in childish or adolescent activities. However, since they presently are
adults, they often feel ashamed of these desires. (For example, in time, Tim disclosed his
love of his train set and other toys.) As trust builds in the therapeutic relationship, former
members are able to begin to examine this secret, split-off life. If the therapist is simply
curious and open to examining this, rather than being judgmental (the transference
expectation), the individual is able to begin to heal this split and become a more authentic
person.
At one point, in therapy, Sue wrote to me,
When I was a teenager I used to feel so trapped and hopeless: the object of
my minister‘s disapproval for not having panned out as a teen leader. I felt so
hopeless all the time living in between. So I used to complain about all the
homework I had to do, all the time I had to spend evangelizing and attending
―teen‖ functions and how tired I was. These were all valid complaints and
justifiable for a normal teenager. But it always left me more frustrated than if
I didn‘t say anything at all, because I would just be ―rebuked‖ for my bad
attitude and independent and selfish spirit. But, also, it was so frustrating,
because I was only complaining about the symptoms of what I was really sad
about. What I really wanted to do was shout and scream and cry for help
about my doubts, the fact that I desperately wanted a boyfriend and to feel
attractive, that I wanted to go to parties and share secrets and not be an
outsider: That I wanted to grow into someone individual. That I was so, so
desperately scared of becoming lost: becoming just a woman of God. But
there was no one to tell these things to—except my journal. So I kept talking
about symptoms over and over again—hoping someone would catch on. But
that never happened. I think that my bouts of depression were a cry for
someone to help me understand.
Several writers have noted how diaries have helped the adolescent gain access to inner life
(Dalsimer, 1967 Blos, 1962). Journal writing seemed to be the way that Sue kept in touch
with her secret, inner thoughts. As with Anne Frank, Sue‘s diary became her best confidant.
Anne relied on her diary, because she was deprived of friendships when her family went into
hiding. Sue was placed in a situation in which she could not be candid with her friends, with
her family, nor with individuals from the cult. Sue‘s journal also allowed her to keep in touch
with the shifting roles she was forced to play. Perhaps the absence of a normal life and the
ability to feel totally involved with friends and boyfriends sharpened her sensitivity to her
