Chapter 6—“But What Do I Do?”: Finding
the Path to Freedom. Shaw notes that insight
is not enough to bring resolution to those who
have been subjected to TN, and he quotes a
client who poignantly asks, “But what do I do?”
He explicates a number of strategies we might
adopt that may be less than helpful. The first
strategy is forgiveness: “I observe that
forgiveness-in-theory, which is how I see this
one-sided forgiving, is usually ephemeral,
ending up redounding either to self-blame or
dissociation” (p. 93). The second is hating, and
how this approach inevitably turns back on the
self and is ineffectual in bringing freedom (p.
95). The third strategy is indifference, wherein
individuals try to convince themselves they have
been angry long enough and so deny their pain.
The fourth strategy is “The Sacrifice Solution”
so often found in religious settings (and cults), in
which individuals deny their needs by
sacrificing themselves for others.
Having explored these mechanisms to cope with
pain, Shaw then looks at a solution: “Bearing the
Pain.” He notes the importance of bearing loss
and the resulting pain, and he states that this
approach is potentially the way forward (p. 97).
He also notes that “Psychological growth
involves the tempering of one’s [own]
narcissism … toward a balanced, realistic sense
of self such that one can continue living
creatively and productively, bearing well enough
one’s own history, what has been, and bearing
well enough life’s vicissitudes, what is to come”
(p. 97). Individuals must find their own
intersubjectivity and loosen the grip of the TN
(p. 98). Shaw once again uses literature to
illustrate his point he explores the life of British
aristocratic author Edward St. Aubyn, whose
series of Patrick Melrose novels (p. 99) is based
on the author’s painful and moving path to, and
achievement of, recovery from two TN parents.
In this chapter, Shaw again illustrates a
necessary recovery task, that of helping patients
find a way to separate their own subjective self
from the traumatizing other (p. 115).
Chapter 7—On Therapeutic Action of
Analytic Love. In this chapter, Shaw explores
the theory of analytic love as a means to aiding
recovery in a psychoanalytic setting he states, “I
wish to join those analysts who see love as
central to analytic work, and identify a lineage
of psychoanalytic forebears who place love at
the center of their theories of development” (p.
119). Research supports that the relational
aspects of psychotherapy are the most potent,
and Shaw’s exploration is an important
contribution to this discussion.
Chapter 8—Analytic Love Revisited:
Narcissists ‘R’ Us! Shaw ends this chapter
stating that analytic love “cannot spring from a
traumatizing, narcissistic relational system” (p.
148). He notes that some therapists will be very
persuasive as to how and why they know best
what their trainees and clients need and should
do—but they will not be aware of their own
delusional ways of relating. Shaw states that, as
an antidote, “analytic love is what happens when
we do our work with the awareness and
acceptance of our own vulnerabilities and
fallibility and with the willingness to
acknowledge shame, at least to ourselves, when
that is what we are feeling” (p. 148). This book
is peppered with illustrations of Shaw’s ability
to take this stance, to be self-critical and to do
his utmost to ensure he does not act in the
harmful ways he is exploring in this book (p.
140).
Further Critique
Shaw is a relational psychoanalytic
psychotherapist, and his thinking and writing are
steeped in psychoanalytic theory. I am a
psychotherapist trained in the United Kingdom
in Gestalt and other humanistic approaches, and
I am familiar to some degree with
psychoanalytic theory but not steeped in it as
such, it took some effort for me to understand
many of the terms and concepts he uses in the
book. Having said that, reading it was well
worth the effort. I suggest that, if the book is
reprinted any time in the future, a glossary of
terms be added for those not from the
psychoanalytic community, so readers do not
need to have Google or a relevant dictionary
open to remind them of the terms whilst they are
reading the book! This addition will make the
book more accessible to a wider audience.
As a therapist who works predominantly with
former cult members, I was really looking
International Journal of Cultic Studies ■ Vol. 5, 2014 59
the Path to Freedom. Shaw notes that insight
is not enough to bring resolution to those who
have been subjected to TN, and he quotes a
client who poignantly asks, “But what do I do?”
He explicates a number of strategies we might
adopt that may be less than helpful. The first
strategy is forgiveness: “I observe that
forgiveness-in-theory, which is how I see this
one-sided forgiving, is usually ephemeral,
ending up redounding either to self-blame or
dissociation” (p. 93). The second is hating, and
how this approach inevitably turns back on the
self and is ineffectual in bringing freedom (p.
95). The third strategy is indifference, wherein
individuals try to convince themselves they have
been angry long enough and so deny their pain.
The fourth strategy is “The Sacrifice Solution”
so often found in religious settings (and cults), in
which individuals deny their needs by
sacrificing themselves for others.
Having explored these mechanisms to cope with
pain, Shaw then looks at a solution: “Bearing the
Pain.” He notes the importance of bearing loss
and the resulting pain, and he states that this
approach is potentially the way forward (p. 97).
He also notes that “Psychological growth
involves the tempering of one’s [own]
narcissism … toward a balanced, realistic sense
of self such that one can continue living
creatively and productively, bearing well enough
one’s own history, what has been, and bearing
well enough life’s vicissitudes, what is to come”
(p. 97). Individuals must find their own
intersubjectivity and loosen the grip of the TN
(p. 98). Shaw once again uses literature to
illustrate his point he explores the life of British
aristocratic author Edward St. Aubyn, whose
series of Patrick Melrose novels (p. 99) is based
on the author’s painful and moving path to, and
achievement of, recovery from two TN parents.
In this chapter, Shaw again illustrates a
necessary recovery task, that of helping patients
find a way to separate their own subjective self
from the traumatizing other (p. 115).
Chapter 7—On Therapeutic Action of
Analytic Love. In this chapter, Shaw explores
the theory of analytic love as a means to aiding
recovery in a psychoanalytic setting he states, “I
wish to join those analysts who see love as
central to analytic work, and identify a lineage
of psychoanalytic forebears who place love at
the center of their theories of development” (p.
119). Research supports that the relational
aspects of psychotherapy are the most potent,
and Shaw’s exploration is an important
contribution to this discussion.
Chapter 8—Analytic Love Revisited:
Narcissists ‘R’ Us! Shaw ends this chapter
stating that analytic love “cannot spring from a
traumatizing, narcissistic relational system” (p.
148). He notes that some therapists will be very
persuasive as to how and why they know best
what their trainees and clients need and should
do—but they will not be aware of their own
delusional ways of relating. Shaw states that, as
an antidote, “analytic love is what happens when
we do our work with the awareness and
acceptance of our own vulnerabilities and
fallibility and with the willingness to
acknowledge shame, at least to ourselves, when
that is what we are feeling” (p. 148). This book
is peppered with illustrations of Shaw’s ability
to take this stance, to be self-critical and to do
his utmost to ensure he does not act in the
harmful ways he is exploring in this book (p.
140).
Further Critique
Shaw is a relational psychoanalytic
psychotherapist, and his thinking and writing are
steeped in psychoanalytic theory. I am a
psychotherapist trained in the United Kingdom
in Gestalt and other humanistic approaches, and
I am familiar to some degree with
psychoanalytic theory but not steeped in it as
such, it took some effort for me to understand
many of the terms and concepts he uses in the
book. Having said that, reading it was well
worth the effort. I suggest that, if the book is
reprinted any time in the future, a glossary of
terms be added for those not from the
psychoanalytic community, so readers do not
need to have Google or a relevant dictionary
open to remind them of the terms whilst they are
reading the book! This addition will make the
book more accessible to a wider audience.
As a therapist who works predominantly with
former cult members, I was really looking
International Journal of Cultic Studies ■ Vol. 5, 2014 59
