The Relational System of the Traumatizing Narcissist
Daniel Shaw
Psychoanalyst, Private Practice, New York City and Nyack, NY Faculty and Clinical Supervisor,
The National Institute for the Psychotherapies (NIP)
Abstract
The stories of former members of high-demand
groups don’t get told as often as they should.
Being swindled, deceived, controlled, or
betrayed in a cultic group is an experience that
many thousands of people have been through.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of such people
who identify their experience as abusive do not
speak out. As is still the case with rape and
domestic violence, in spite of many gains in
those areas, victims shrink at the possibility of
being dismissed, blamed, or rejected—of being
retraumatized when no one will bear witness.
They try to put it all behind them they try to
avoid thinking and talking about the experience.
In this paper, I present some of the ideas I have
been developing about the leaders of cultic
groups, people I describe as traumatizing
narcissists, and the relational system such
people create. I draw from my clinical research,
from psychoanalytic theories (especially
intersubjectivity theory), and from my personal
experience as a former member of a high-
demand group for more than ten years.
What Is a Cult?
So, to begin, let’s think about what we mean
when we say a group is a cult. On the one hand,
cult is a term most people think of as describing
a group with a charismatic leader or leaders.
This group, in the public imagination, has
followers who fanatically embrace an ideology
dictated by the leader—an ideology that
involves rituals of self-purification and a
mission to eliminate impurities in the world, and
one in which followers adopt ritualized,
idiosyncratic modes of speech, dress, and
behaviors that are typical of the group as a
whole. These ideas about cults are in fact more
or less accurate. On the other hand, where the
average person’s image of a cult goes wrong is
that most cults never gain much public attention,
and only a very few gain tremendous size and
involve bizarre displays such as mass weddings,
or horrors such as mass suicides. Additionally,
cults exist not only in religious groups, but also
in political, therapeutic, business, academic,
technological, artistic, and almost any other kind
of community.
I will use the word cult here for the sake of
expedience, but either authoritarian ideological
group, or abusive, exploitative, high-demand
group would be a more accurate, albeit clumsier,
term. The use of the word cult can also be
problematic for former-member whistleblowers,
and defenders and counselors of former
members: Larger and wealthier groups accused
of being cults think nothing of silencing critics
with relentless harassment through unending
lawsuits.
With these caveats in mind, I define this kind of
group, sometimes referred to as a cult, as
follows: any group, of at least one leader and
one follower, in which the leader exhorts others
to follow him and support his mission, and in
which the leader can be identified as a
traumatizing narcissist. I’ll define that term
shortly, and I’ll clarify why I use that term, and
not the more familiar pathological narcissist. In
this kind of group, whatever those in the group
say or believe, what is actually happening is that
followers are required to suppress their
individual subjectivity and attempt to make
themselves whatever kind of object the leader
wants them to be.
I want to emphasize that I am not saying that
charisma and missionary zeal in a group leader
makes her a traumatizing narcissist. In a group
with a mission, in which the leader is not a
traumatizing narcissist, it is possible for
meaningful work toward the group’s goals to be
accomplished. But in cults, the stated, typically
grandiose goals of the group—get everyone on
earth to meditate so there will be peace, or end
4 International Journal of Cultic Studies ■ Vol. 5, 2014
Daniel Shaw
Psychoanalyst, Private Practice, New York City and Nyack, NY Faculty and Clinical Supervisor,
The National Institute for the Psychotherapies (NIP)
Abstract
The stories of former members of high-demand
groups don’t get told as often as they should.
Being swindled, deceived, controlled, or
betrayed in a cultic group is an experience that
many thousands of people have been through.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of such people
who identify their experience as abusive do not
speak out. As is still the case with rape and
domestic violence, in spite of many gains in
those areas, victims shrink at the possibility of
being dismissed, blamed, or rejected—of being
retraumatized when no one will bear witness.
They try to put it all behind them they try to
avoid thinking and talking about the experience.
In this paper, I present some of the ideas I have
been developing about the leaders of cultic
groups, people I describe as traumatizing
narcissists, and the relational system such
people create. I draw from my clinical research,
from psychoanalytic theories (especially
intersubjectivity theory), and from my personal
experience as a former member of a high-
demand group for more than ten years.
What Is a Cult?
So, to begin, let’s think about what we mean
when we say a group is a cult. On the one hand,
cult is a term most people think of as describing
a group with a charismatic leader or leaders.
This group, in the public imagination, has
followers who fanatically embrace an ideology
dictated by the leader—an ideology that
involves rituals of self-purification and a
mission to eliminate impurities in the world, and
one in which followers adopt ritualized,
idiosyncratic modes of speech, dress, and
behaviors that are typical of the group as a
whole. These ideas about cults are in fact more
or less accurate. On the other hand, where the
average person’s image of a cult goes wrong is
that most cults never gain much public attention,
and only a very few gain tremendous size and
involve bizarre displays such as mass weddings,
or horrors such as mass suicides. Additionally,
cults exist not only in religious groups, but also
in political, therapeutic, business, academic,
technological, artistic, and almost any other kind
of community.
I will use the word cult here for the sake of
expedience, but either authoritarian ideological
group, or abusive, exploitative, high-demand
group would be a more accurate, albeit clumsier,
term. The use of the word cult can also be
problematic for former-member whistleblowers,
and defenders and counselors of former
members: Larger and wealthier groups accused
of being cults think nothing of silencing critics
with relentless harassment through unending
lawsuits.
With these caveats in mind, I define this kind of
group, sometimes referred to as a cult, as
follows: any group, of at least one leader and
one follower, in which the leader exhorts others
to follow him and support his mission, and in
which the leader can be identified as a
traumatizing narcissist. I’ll define that term
shortly, and I’ll clarify why I use that term, and
not the more familiar pathological narcissist. In
this kind of group, whatever those in the group
say or believe, what is actually happening is that
followers are required to suppress their
individual subjectivity and attempt to make
themselves whatever kind of object the leader
wants them to be.
I want to emphasize that I am not saying that
charisma and missionary zeal in a group leader
makes her a traumatizing narcissist. In a group
with a mission, in which the leader is not a
traumatizing narcissist, it is possible for
meaningful work toward the group’s goals to be
accomplished. But in cults, the stated, typically
grandiose goals of the group—get everyone on
earth to meditate so there will be peace, or end
4 International Journal of Cultic Studies ■ Vol. 5, 2014
