14 ICSA TODAY
The Brethren, like many high-demand groups, practice
separation from evil:
… recognising this as God’s principle of unity.
They shun the conduits of evil communications:
television, the radio, and the Internet. Their charter
is 2 Timothy 2:19 “The Lord knows those that are
his and, Let every one who names the name of the
Lord withdraw from iniquity. (Exclusive Brethren
Christian Fellowship, 2006)
Since David’s leaving, the Brethren have rebranded
themselves, and their website portrays a very different
picture.
David describes the Brethren lifestyle as
…restrictive to the point of absurdity, without the
consistency of other hyper-conservative sects.
There’s a lot of pressure … to conform…. And not
least, it gets more tiring than you’d think giving
the impression that you believe every single …
pronouncement. (the survivor, July 15, 2007)
His blog is a remarkable piece of reflective writing as he
contemplates the teachings of the Brethren and his place
with respect to them.
Why Did David Choose to Leave?
David’s decision to leave took many years. He left, he writes,
because “In the brethren you fit into a mould. I got a sense
of another person, that I could be using parts of myself that
were repressed…” (“David,” personal communication, May 19,
2008).
Early on, while still thinking about whether to leave, David
writes,
The most frightening thing I have heard in years is
“we’ll do the thinking you do the doing” especially
as it is treated as a statement of great wisdom. It’s
held to be a sign of someone barely Christian if
they’re questioning something that’s been said
even the questioning is an ongoing sin… (the
survivor, July 3a, 2007)
The Brethren say their rules provide a structure in which to
live a perfect life. But David asks, how much value is there in
being molded to fit that life? Asked by another member of
the Brethren why he would want to leave, David replies, “…to
gain congruence between my internal and external lives….
Humans are not made to accept ideas and reality clashing all
the time…” (the survivor, July 12b, 2007).
He writes later about his need to feel integrity:
I am assured with great positivity that if only I
could accept things as they are I’d find I was happy
immediately. I’m sure that’s true but it’s hard to
explain why I’m uncomfortable with modifying my
mind to the extent that the acceptance becomes
possible. (the survivor, July 14, 2007)
What Made It Difficult for Him to Leave
David refers many times in his blog to the difficulties he
faced—for example, accepting that so much he had believed
was without basis:
It took a long time to move from the feeling that my
life could be different to feeling that it should be, as
it’s hard to really accept deep down that the rules
that shape one’s life are actually for nothing. One
tends to make mental excuses for it all. (“David,”
personal communication, May 19, 2008)
He is also worried about some problems he has seen in other
former Brethren. He writes, “I have sometimes wondered
whether being among the brethren is permanently
damaging to the psyche.” (the survivor, July 6, 2007)
Many who have left seem obsessed, and the “us against
them” attitude seems to be ingrained:
That’s one of the scary things about contemplating
leaving. Will I be obsessed too? Will I be able to
leave it behind? Can I make a life for myself in which
I don’t ever think of myself as “used to be brethren”?
(the survivor, July 6, 2007)
He reflects on the losses that will be involved:
I would (and probably will) miss many friends after
leaving, and that’s without considering the agony
of breaking up a family. …the restrictions while in
are matched by promised restrictions once out, in
the form of an utter severance from everybody you
know and care about. (the survivor, July 7a, 2007)
He faces the emotional challenge of leaving those he loves:
“The pleas from loved ones are hardest to take … this is
heartrending on all sides” (the survivor, July 7b, 2007). And
he recognizes that leaving results in a loss of a considerable
network:
There is one benefit of being amongst the Exclusive
Brethren that is extremely hard to replicate. That
is the sheer number of people willing to share
information and experience…
I am assuming that the sudden removal of that
network must be among the hardest things to
adapt to after leaving. (the survivor, July 11, 2007)
Part of David’s fear of leaving is what he imagines are the
difficulties of making a new life, such as getting a new job:2
How will they [the new potential employers] get an
idea of my worth as a person when I have no pieces
of paper to say I can do anything, and no people
to call on to vouch for me? Will I get a chance? (the
survivor, July 11, 2007)
He talks about his lack of preparation:
…I have to seriously plan for life apart. For all my
thinking, I find that I’m not well prepared. I don’t
The Brethren, like many high-demand groups, practice
separation from evil:
… recognising this as God’s principle of unity.
They shun the conduits of evil communications:
television, the radio, and the Internet. Their charter
is 2 Timothy 2:19 “The Lord knows those that are
his and, Let every one who names the name of the
Lord withdraw from iniquity. (Exclusive Brethren
Christian Fellowship, 2006)
Since David’s leaving, the Brethren have rebranded
themselves, and their website portrays a very different
picture.
David describes the Brethren lifestyle as
…restrictive to the point of absurdity, without the
consistency of other hyper-conservative sects.
There’s a lot of pressure … to conform…. And not
least, it gets more tiring than you’d think giving
the impression that you believe every single …
pronouncement. (the survivor, July 15, 2007)
His blog is a remarkable piece of reflective writing as he
contemplates the teachings of the Brethren and his place
with respect to them.
Why Did David Choose to Leave?
David’s decision to leave took many years. He left, he writes,
because “In the brethren you fit into a mould. I got a sense
of another person, that I could be using parts of myself that
were repressed…” (“David,” personal communication, May 19,
2008).
Early on, while still thinking about whether to leave, David
writes,
The most frightening thing I have heard in years is
“we’ll do the thinking you do the doing” especially
as it is treated as a statement of great wisdom. It’s
held to be a sign of someone barely Christian if
they’re questioning something that’s been said
even the questioning is an ongoing sin… (the
survivor, July 3a, 2007)
The Brethren say their rules provide a structure in which to
live a perfect life. But David asks, how much value is there in
being molded to fit that life? Asked by another member of
the Brethren why he would want to leave, David replies, “…to
gain congruence between my internal and external lives….
Humans are not made to accept ideas and reality clashing all
the time…” (the survivor, July 12b, 2007).
He writes later about his need to feel integrity:
I am assured with great positivity that if only I
could accept things as they are I’d find I was happy
immediately. I’m sure that’s true but it’s hard to
explain why I’m uncomfortable with modifying my
mind to the extent that the acceptance becomes
possible. (the survivor, July 14, 2007)
What Made It Difficult for Him to Leave
David refers many times in his blog to the difficulties he
faced—for example, accepting that so much he had believed
was without basis:
It took a long time to move from the feeling that my
life could be different to feeling that it should be, as
it’s hard to really accept deep down that the rules
that shape one’s life are actually for nothing. One
tends to make mental excuses for it all. (“David,”
personal communication, May 19, 2008)
He is also worried about some problems he has seen in other
former Brethren. He writes, “I have sometimes wondered
whether being among the brethren is permanently
damaging to the psyche.” (the survivor, July 6, 2007)
Many who have left seem obsessed, and the “us against
them” attitude seems to be ingrained:
That’s one of the scary things about contemplating
leaving. Will I be obsessed too? Will I be able to
leave it behind? Can I make a life for myself in which
I don’t ever think of myself as “used to be brethren”?
(the survivor, July 6, 2007)
He reflects on the losses that will be involved:
I would (and probably will) miss many friends after
leaving, and that’s without considering the agony
of breaking up a family. …the restrictions while in
are matched by promised restrictions once out, in
the form of an utter severance from everybody you
know and care about. (the survivor, July 7a, 2007)
He faces the emotional challenge of leaving those he loves:
“The pleas from loved ones are hardest to take … this is
heartrending on all sides” (the survivor, July 7b, 2007). And
he recognizes that leaving results in a loss of a considerable
network:
There is one benefit of being amongst the Exclusive
Brethren that is extremely hard to replicate. That
is the sheer number of people willing to share
information and experience…
I am assuming that the sudden removal of that
network must be among the hardest things to
adapt to after leaving. (the survivor, July 11, 2007)
Part of David’s fear of leaving is what he imagines are the
difficulties of making a new life, such as getting a new job:2
How will they [the new potential employers] get an
idea of my worth as a person when I have no pieces
of paper to say I can do anything, and no people
to call on to vouch for me? Will I get a chance? (the
survivor, July 11, 2007)
He talks about his lack of preparation:
…I have to seriously plan for life apart. For all my
thinking, I find that I’m not well prepared. I don’t
