12 ICSA TODAY
started to talk to us about his own journey. In contrast to my
mother, he came to believe everything the Church had taught us
was false, and that there could be no trust in an organization that
so profoundly lied about its history. He tried convincing us with
evidence that would, as he put it, hold up in a court of law.
In my own life, with my parents’ differing paths away from our
faith, a different crisis was developing. My marriage of 6 years had
become a prison of pain with that and what felt like my parents’
betrayal, the Church seemed the only stable thing in my life. I felt
trapped with no way out. The more I tried, the worse the situation
seemed to get.
Then, on my twenty-seventh birthday, I had a remarkable
experience. I went scuba diving, and somehow, near the bottom
of the lake, I ran out of air. I was in complete darkness, just losing
consciousness, and I realized I was going to die. This thought
filled me with an inner peace that is hard to describe. I felt
relieved and finally free from my marriage.
Fortunately, my diving partner risked her life to rush me to the
surface and made sure I got help. I survived but lying in the
decompression chamber at the hospital, I knew I had to change
my life.
I filed for divorce, which my parents had different strategies for
dealing with. My mother denied that we had ever been legally
married (since the Mormon Church, in her opinion, should not
have the right to conduct marriages), and my father kept trying
to convince me that a divorce was unnecessary. My now ex-
husband said I was influenced by the Devil, and my friends felt
betrayed. I left everything and went to Asia on a one-way ticket.
My time in Asia gave me a new perspective on life. During that
year, I put my faith on hold and tried to break free from my
preconceptions. When I came home, I felt my mind had opened
up. I felt free to actually ask God not only if something was true,
but also if it was true or false. I realized that I had, all my life,
looked only for a confirmation and not for an actual answer. I was
free to question even the very existence of God.
I investigated and looked at the Church in a different way. I felt
relieved, and able to discuss my faith with my family, something
I realized we had never really done. Sure, we had gone to church
and we had all been devout, but we had never really talked about
our personal belief or experiences.
My mother told me that she had never really believed in the
Church but had stayed because she did not want to admit to her
parents that she had been wrong to convert. She had thought
all members of the Church held this reservation in their heart,
and she had been utterly surprised to find out that was not the
case. We talked about the difference between converting to and
growing up in the Church. Teachings given to us, her children,
from a very young age had shaped our lives in a way my parents
did not understand. Being a Mormon was more than just going
to church every Sunday. It became a part of my identity and
affected everything in my life, from what words I used to my self-
esteem. My feeling of who I am is still connected with what I was
brought up to believe. My parents simply did not understand just
how deeply their choices had affected the lives of my siblings
and me as children and as adults.
After some time I was ready, and for the fist time in my life I asked
God in a prayer if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
was false. Afterward, I felt sorrow but also comfort, as if God was
with me. There was not even a shadow of a doubt in my heart
when I wrote a letter to the Church’s headquarters and asked
them to remove my name. I was officially no longer a member.
When my friend asked me if I felt I had lost something, I looked at
her in surprise and said, “I have not lost anything. Instead, I have
gained a liberty in my mind I did not even know I lacked and
because of my experiences, I have the privilege to realize and be
grateful for this.”
Eventually, every member of my family left the Church, but each
exiting process started differently. For me it was my divorce but
for my brother, for instance, it was marrying his wife. Perhaps it
is strange that we had very little direct impact on each other’s
faith and decision to leave, but exiting is a very personal journey
and a very transformative decision. I feel humbled by everyone’s
individual challenges, and I rejoice when I see how much we
have all grown. n
I have a master’s degree
in civil engineering …
but when it came to
the Church, I …
believed it was infallible.
…I rejoice when I see how
much we have all grown.
About the Author
Camilla Hanke was born in Stockholm,
Sweden and grew up in the Mormon
Church, together with her two sisters and
one brother. While still in the Church, she
studied at the Royal institute of Technology
and attained a Master of Science in Civil
Engineering degree in 2005. In 2011, after
both her parents had left the Church, and
during a time of questioning the beliefs she
grew up with, she went traveling and worked as a dive master in
Asia. She has since left the Church and today works for the public
transportation system in Stockholm in the area of urban planning,
especially around the metro system. She is fluent in both Swedish
and English and still loves to go diving, now with her newly married
husband Henrik. n
started to talk to us about his own journey. In contrast to my
mother, he came to believe everything the Church had taught us
was false, and that there could be no trust in an organization that
so profoundly lied about its history. He tried convincing us with
evidence that would, as he put it, hold up in a court of law.
In my own life, with my parents’ differing paths away from our
faith, a different crisis was developing. My marriage of 6 years had
become a prison of pain with that and what felt like my parents’
betrayal, the Church seemed the only stable thing in my life. I felt
trapped with no way out. The more I tried, the worse the situation
seemed to get.
Then, on my twenty-seventh birthday, I had a remarkable
experience. I went scuba diving, and somehow, near the bottom
of the lake, I ran out of air. I was in complete darkness, just losing
consciousness, and I realized I was going to die. This thought
filled me with an inner peace that is hard to describe. I felt
relieved and finally free from my marriage.
Fortunately, my diving partner risked her life to rush me to the
surface and made sure I got help. I survived but lying in the
decompression chamber at the hospital, I knew I had to change
my life.
I filed for divorce, which my parents had different strategies for
dealing with. My mother denied that we had ever been legally
married (since the Mormon Church, in her opinion, should not
have the right to conduct marriages), and my father kept trying
to convince me that a divorce was unnecessary. My now ex-
husband said I was influenced by the Devil, and my friends felt
betrayed. I left everything and went to Asia on a one-way ticket.
My time in Asia gave me a new perspective on life. During that
year, I put my faith on hold and tried to break free from my
preconceptions. When I came home, I felt my mind had opened
up. I felt free to actually ask God not only if something was true,
but also if it was true or false. I realized that I had, all my life,
looked only for a confirmation and not for an actual answer. I was
free to question even the very existence of God.
I investigated and looked at the Church in a different way. I felt
relieved, and able to discuss my faith with my family, something
I realized we had never really done. Sure, we had gone to church
and we had all been devout, but we had never really talked about
our personal belief or experiences.
My mother told me that she had never really believed in the
Church but had stayed because she did not want to admit to her
parents that she had been wrong to convert. She had thought
all members of the Church held this reservation in their heart,
and she had been utterly surprised to find out that was not the
case. We talked about the difference between converting to and
growing up in the Church. Teachings given to us, her children,
from a very young age had shaped our lives in a way my parents
did not understand. Being a Mormon was more than just going
to church every Sunday. It became a part of my identity and
affected everything in my life, from what words I used to my self-
esteem. My feeling of who I am is still connected with what I was
brought up to believe. My parents simply did not understand just
how deeply their choices had affected the lives of my siblings
and me as children and as adults.
After some time I was ready, and for the fist time in my life I asked
God in a prayer if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
was false. Afterward, I felt sorrow but also comfort, as if God was
with me. There was not even a shadow of a doubt in my heart
when I wrote a letter to the Church’s headquarters and asked
them to remove my name. I was officially no longer a member.
When my friend asked me if I felt I had lost something, I looked at
her in surprise and said, “I have not lost anything. Instead, I have
gained a liberty in my mind I did not even know I lacked and
because of my experiences, I have the privilege to realize and be
grateful for this.”
Eventually, every member of my family left the Church, but each
exiting process started differently. For me it was my divorce but
for my brother, for instance, it was marrying his wife. Perhaps it
is strange that we had very little direct impact on each other’s
faith and decision to leave, but exiting is a very personal journey
and a very transformative decision. I feel humbled by everyone’s
individual challenges, and I rejoice when I see how much we
have all grown. n
I have a master’s degree
in civil engineering …
but when it came to
the Church, I …
believed it was infallible.
…I rejoice when I see how
much we have all grown.
About the Author
Camilla Hanke was born in Stockholm,
Sweden and grew up in the Mormon
Church, together with her two sisters and
one brother. While still in the Church, she
studied at the Royal institute of Technology
and attained a Master of Science in Civil
Engineering degree in 2005. In 2011, after
both her parents had left the Church, and
during a time of questioning the beliefs she
grew up with, she went traveling and worked as a dive master in
Asia. She has since left the Church and today works for the public
transportation system in Stockholm in the area of urban planning,
especially around the metro system. She is fluent in both Swedish
and English and still loves to go diving, now with her newly married
husband Henrik. n
