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presence of the targeted parent was minimized and their place in the hearts and minds of
the children was diminished.
Through these five strategies, the alienating parents elevated themselves into an esteemed
place in their children‘s eyes and cultivated in their children a profound dependency on their
approval and acceptance. The third characteristic of cults – the ways in which this
dependency benefits the leader and harms the members – is explored next.
Cults Further the Aims of the Leader at the Expense of the Needs of its Members as
Well as Others
The third feature of cults is that they operate for the benefit of the leader and at the
expense of its members. While they claim to exist for the benefit of the members --who are
in need of the wisdom and guidance of the leader --the reality is just the opposite: The
leader benefits from the experience much more than the members. The benefits of cults to
their leaders are both financial and psychological. Leaders of cults have unlimited access to
the money and assets accumulated and often spend disproportionately on themselves,
justifying such expenses as the minimum compensation for all their sacrifice and hard work
on behalf of the members (Singer, 1996). The psychological rewards of cult leadership are
also plentiful. Leaders become all-powerful, all-knowing, worshipped individuals who can
exercise control and authority at their whim.
Similarly, the alienating parents seemed to benefit from the lofty place they held in their
children‘s lives and from the elimination of the targeted parent. First, they appeared to have
benefited by not having to share parenting time, by avoiding the complications of
coordinating schedules, and by not having to deal with the cooperation and compromise
entailed in sharing a child with someone they no longer lived with or loved. As Johnston
(1994) has noted, concerns about the other parent‘s ability to care for the children is
pervasive in high conflict divorces. For the most part the alienating parents described in this
study had the opportunity to raise their child as they pleased without the interference of
another parent. Because many remarried, they did not suffer the financial and emotional
difficulties of single-parenthood (e.g., Teachman &Paasch, 1994). Second, they seemed to
benefit by exacting revenge on a person whom they believed harmed and/or rejected them.
By having the child reject the other parent, the alienating parent likely had the satisfaction
of the last laugh, so to speak. They had the opportunity to reject the parent in a way that
was designed to maximally inflict pain and suffering. And, finally, they seemed to benefit
from the narcissistic satisfaction of being the most important person in their child‘s life.
Through the strategies described above, these parents extended the natural idealization of
their children well into the later teens and for some on into adulthood. By cultivating
dependency on them, these parents delayed or avoided all together the natural separation
and de-idealization of their children. Thus, they warded off the natural feelings of loss and
sadness that typically accompany the process of children individuating and living their own
lives.
As the benefits to the cult leaders are many, so too are the costs to cult members. Much
has been written about the loss of identity, the loss of time with family, and the loss of
dreams that result from extended participation in cults (Langone, 1993 McKibben, Lynn, &
Malinoski, 2002 Singer, 1996 Tobias &Lalich, 1994). The costs of cult participation are
many, both psychological and financial. Many cults require hefty membership fees while
others encourage if not require members to turn over all their assets and belongings to the
leader or produce economic dependency on the cult. In addition to the financial costs
associated with cult membership, former members describe the emotional harm done to
them as the worst part of the experience (Singer, 1996). The emotional costs include (1)
diminished self-esteem from excessive dependence (2) guilt from having hurt friends and
family, (3) depression and sadness over time lost with friends and family, and (4) difficulties

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trusting self and other (Tobias &Lalich, 1994). The participants in the study experienced
each of these negative emotional outcomes as a result of being alienated from one parent
due to the actions and behaviors of the other.4
Low Self-Esteem
Former cult members report low self-esteem and shame from having been duped and
manipulated by the leader. They feel foolish for having believed the lies and half-truths and
for not questioning what was told to them. They also suffer from low self-esteem due to the
cultivation of excessive dependence on the leader. They were led to believe that they could
not function outside the authoritarian confines of the cult, and that they were incapable of
knowing what is in their own best interest.
Adults whose parents alienated them from the other parent also reported problems with
self-esteem. Some expressed the belief that they should have questioned more what they
were being told about the targeted parent, while others recognized that as a child they
really had no reason to doubt what their parents were telling them. ―Of course I believed
my mother. She was god.‖ (34) This was not the primary source of their reduced self-
esteem. For them, it came from the internalization of the hatred of the targeted parent.
When the alienating parent denigrated the targeted parent to the child, the child assumed
that he too was bad and worthy of contempt because that person was at least in part inside
him (genetically and from an early relationship). This sentiment was exemplified in the
following statement, ―Any parts that I did feel were like my father made me feel bad about
myself because she berated him so. If I was like him how could that be good?‖ (39) Thus,
the alienating parent‘s rejection of the targeted parent was experienced as a rejection of
that part of the child that was like the targeted parent. In psychoanalytic terms, the ―bad
object‖ was internalized (e.g., Greenberg &Mitchell, 1983).
Self-esteem problems in former cult members also results from leaders fostering a belief
that parents, friends, and family did not really love and care for them. Only the cult leader
loves the person the way they deserve to be loved. This experience was also seen in adults
whose parents alienated them from their other parent. Many recalled being told that the
targeted parent did not really love or want them. Over and over it was explained that the
targeted parent left them, did not care about them, did not really love them. This too
resulted in diminished self-esteem because the child assumed that if the targeted parent did
not love them, they must be unworthy of love. When parental love is lacking the child will
naturally assume himself rather than the parent to be the cause, resulting in an
unrealistically negative self-image. It is much too frightening to think that the parent is at
fault (e.g., Golomb, 1992 Peck, 1983). Thus, the study participants believed themselves to
be unlovable because they were told that their parent did not love them.
Guilt
Former cult members often feel guilty about the harm their cult involvement has caused to
their loved ones. Once they realize that they have squandered their money and assets and
that they have treated badly those who really love them, they feel ashamed that they were
capable of behaving so callously towards people who did not deserve it. Former cult
members recall the times that they were rude or belittling or rejecting of their friends and
family and feel embarrassed at their own behavior.
Participants in the study also experienced guilt at having betrayed the targeted parent. One
man who was made to verbally abuse his father on the telephone worried about what
impact that had on his father, ―I don‘t know if he believed we really felt that way or not
because we were saying these things to him. I am hoping in my heart that he knew but it
must have hurt like hell anyway.‖ (7) He described his own feeling at the time as being like