Cultic Studies Review, Vol. 4, No. 1, 2005, Page 11
Badmouthing of the other parent seemed to serve the same function as bad mouthing the
―outside world‖ for cults: promotion of dependency (Kent, 2004 Lifton, 1989 Shaw, 2003).
Badmouthing creates in cult members a belief that the leader is the only person who truly
cares and can be trusted everyone else is contemptible and/or dangerous. The alienating
parents --through badmouthing – seemed to convey to their children that they were the
only parent who loved and cared for them, who could be trusted. Many of the participants
recalled their parents explicitly inducing dependency with comments such as, ―I did
everything for you and he did nothing.‖ (40) ―Basically everything good that happened was
because of her.‖ (29) One participant explained that after a long litany of complaints were
spewed about the targeted parent the alienating parent would then comfort the child by
telling her, ―I shouldn‘t be too upset because I had her.‖ (39) Another participant explained
that, ―He told me he was the only one who cared about me, the only one who wanted me,
that no one else cared about me over and over and over again.‖ (17) Another participant
said of her mother, ―In my mind she was everything. She was all I had.‖ (27) The constant
badmouthing created in the child the belief that the targeted parent was not worthy of love
and respect, much the way cult leaders aim to diminish all other authority figures in the
eyes of members.
Creating the Impression that the Targeted Parent was Dangerous and Planned to
Hurt the Child in order to Instill Fear and Rejection of the Parent
Sometimes the badmouthing took on a decidedly darker tone and the child was led to
believe that the targeted parent was capable of inflicting great harm to them. Participants
were told that the targeted parent had beaten them, wanted to abort them, planned on
throwing them in the river, were reckless with them when they were babies, didn‘t have
their best interest at heart, and were intent on kidnapping them. One participant
remembered the first time she saw her father and stepmother in five years, ―Up to the point
they drove up into the driveway my mom was sitting there telling me, ‗You better watch it
because they are going to take you and they are never going to bring you back. They are
going to kidnap you. That lady is from Ohio. Do you know anybody in Ohio? Do you know
how to get back home?‘‖ (23) In all, the participants were made to feel unsafe at the
thought of contact with the targeted parent. ―I remember her always telling me how mean
and angry he was. If I needed help with homework she would say, ‗Don‘t ask your daddy,
he will yell at you.‘ I was scared of him. It was like a landmine.‖ As a boy he avoided being
in the same room with his father and lived in constant fear of being beaten by him, despite
the fact that this had never actually occurred. ―I felt like he was hitting me all the time in
my head. It was a constant barrage of how incompetent and how dangerous my father
was.‖ (22)
Badmouthing in order to instill fear of the targeted parent seemed to serve at least two
purposes. Because the interviews were conducted with the adult children and not the
parents themselves, the motivations of the alienating parents cannot really be known.
However, based on the participants‘ descriptions of their experiences with the alienating
parent, the following analysis is offered. First, badmouthing seemed to make the child want
to avoid the targeted parent and thus furthered the alienating parent‘s goal of severing that
relationship. In addition, it seemed to heighten the child‘s need for a protector, a role the
alienating parent was probably only too willing to play. In this way the bond between the
alienating parent and the child was further strengthened and reinforced. As attachment
theorists have found (Bowlby 1969, Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, &Wall, 1978), when a child
senses fear (real or imagined) his or her desire to be near and comforted by the attachment
figure/caretaker is activated. This is a biologically determined protective mechanism
designed to ensure the safety of the vulnerable within any species. Alienating parents
exploited this innate mechanism in order to artificially induce their child‘s desire to be near
them.

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Creating fear in order to activate dependency needs is a strategy that has also been used in
cults. False scenarios of doomsday and threat from external forces have been fabricated in
order to heighten members‘ dependency on the leader. Jonestown, Branch Davidians, and
Heaven‘s Gate are just a few examples of cults that have propagated a sense of imminent
danger and, therefore, a belief that the end was near (either from natural or social forces)
in order to further a dependency on the leader. Muster (2004) reports that in the
International Society for Krishna Consciousness the leaders announced that a nuclear war
was impending, which resulted in a reorganization of the members into a crisis mode of
dependency and fear. In this sense cult leaders behave like insensitive parents who instill
fear and dependency rather than encourage independence and competence.
Deceiving the Child about the Targeted Parent’s Feelings in Order to Create Hurt,
Resentment, and Psychological Distance
Many of the participants were told that the targeted parent did not love them or want them.
―She said he didn‘t love nobody but himself. He didn‘t care about us.‖ (36) Another
participant said, ―That‘s another thing my mother told me was that my dad didn‘t want
anything to do with us boys. He just walked away from us.‖ (34) One woman said ―She told
me that my father wasn‘t my friend at all, that he had contempt for ‗a lout like you.‘‖ (12)
Another was told, ―I was not important to him. His other kids came first. I was last on his
list.‖ (39) In many cases the alienating parent actually engineered situations to make it
appear as if the targeted parent did not care and then used that very situation to convince
the child that the parent did not love them. For example, one mother threw away letters the
father was sending and then asked her daughter to explain how her father could love her if
he did not even bother to write. Other parents refused to accept phone calls, moved away
without providing contact information, and told the targeted parent that the child did not
want to see them. Because the alienating parents eliminated communication with the
targeted parent and controlled all information, the participants had no means with which to
question the veracity of what they were being told. Eventually, they capitulated under the
weight of the ―evidence‖ and concluded that the targeted parent did not love them after all,
further fueling their hurt and resentment. In addition, once they accepted this as ―fact,‖ the
alienating parent became even more important to them as their sole source of parental
love, support, and care. In cults the use of black/white and us/them thinking promotes the
belief that anyone outside the cult is necessarily wrong and/or does not really love or care
for them (Tobias &Lalich, 1994).
Withdrawing Love if the Child Indicates Affection or Positive Regard for the
Targeted Parent
A classic cult technique is to create a sense of psychological imbalance and anxiety in
members so that they are preoccupied with winning back the praise and acceptance of the
leader. Sometimes this is accomplished through the unpredictable use of rewards and
punishments (Goldberg &Goldberg, 1988). One particularly potent form of punishment is
for leaders to withdraw their love and acceptance of a member in order to create a sense of
insecurity. Panic ensues as the member scrambles to get back in the leader‘s good graces.
Almost everything else becomes secondary to regaining approval and equilibrium and
considerable effort is expended figuring out how to avoid expulsion from the leader‘s realm
of acceptance.
Many of the study participants described this same experience. They recalled experiencing
withdrawal of love by the alienating parent if they indicated any positive regard for the
targeted parent. They learned to pretend they had a poor visit with the targeted parent in
order to avoid rejection upon return home. ―She was always in a bit of a mood or temper
when we came back.‖ (5) Many spoke of getting the cold shoulder, of being emotionally cut
off from their parent. ―She‘d shut me out. It would be just silence.‖ (31) There was an