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emotional price to pay if they had contact with the targeted parent. ―She would make life
rotten for us.‖ (2) ―She couldn‘t stand to see me actually get on with my father. She‘d make
her disapproval evident if I so much as spoke to him in a civilized way. This disapproval was
in the form of throwing sour looks my way, and then turning her back and ignoring me.‖
(12) Another participant said, ―She‘d treat me like the enemy.‖ (37) Some mothers accused
their children of not loving them if they went to visit the other parent, some threatened to
abandon their children, and one woman recalled her mother pointedly serving her an
inferior portion of food upon returning from a visit. When asked what it was like to come
home from a visit to his father, one participant responded, ―Oh it was very cold. She would
give me the cold shoulder.‖ (10) Several said their alienating parent would not speak to
them for several hours or the rest of the evening following returning from a visit. Because of
the child‘s profound dependency on the alienating parent, participants found it very hard to
tolerate their disapproval and subsequent withdrawal of love. ―I was scared to disagree with
my mother. Any disagreement on my part would cause her to either turn her venom against
me or threaten that ‗things would never be the same again after an argument like that‘,
which left me heartbroken and devastated.‖ (12) When imagining what it would feel like to
experience the disapproval of the alienating parents, others spoke of feeling ―lost,‖
―terrified,‖ and ―all alone.‖ Many said that when the alienating parent withdrew their love,
they became preoccupied with winning that parent back. ―It was scary. It made me want to
try harder.‖ (40) Thus, fear of withdrawal of love was a powerful threat that was used by
the alienating parents to control their children and reduce their affection towards and
relationship with the targeted parent.
Erasing the Other Parent
Cults tend to be exclusive social environments in which members are surrounded by like-
minded people. Lifton (1989) described the totalistic nature of cults as milieu control. The
likelihood of contact with alternate viewpoints and perspectives is almost nonexistent. The
leader controls the reality of the members by controlling the flow of information in and out
of the cult. There is little opportunity for countervailing opinions and points of view to be
expressed to members. There is only one shared reality, which must be accepted in order to
be a member of the cult. All other ideas are excluded. Newspapers are not read, television
is not viewed, contact with outsiders who might question or introduce members to other
ways of thinking and believing is strictly forbidden (e.g., Muster, 2004).
The alienating parents of the study participants were described as operating the family in
much the same way, particularly as it related to the targeted parent. Participants were
forbidden to have contact with anyone who might speak well of the targeted parent,
especially extended family members. Most importantly, contact with the targeted parent
was minimized or eliminated all together. In this way, the child did not have any
independent experiences of the targeted parent and the parent him/herself had no
opportunity to explain his/her side or counter the campaign of lies. Few of the participants
had pictures of the targeted parent, and none were allowed to talk about him or her. Any
mention of the targeted parent was felt to be taboo, something to be avoided at all costs in
order to keep the peace in the family. ―My mother would get so mad she‘d almost start
shaking if the subject of my father came up.‖ (18) One woman was shoved down the stairs
when she mentioned her father and a young man recalled, ―Every time I mention my dad
all hell breaks loose. It was almost as if I knew if I mentioned that I wanted to go see my
dad I would be brow beaten into submission.‖ (9) Another study participant recalled that
when she said she wanted to see her father her mother jumped up from the dinner table
and went into her room crying. A few moments later her stepfather informed her that she
would be thrown out of the house if she mentioned her father again. One woman recalled
not being allowed to bring home gifts received during visits with her mother because, ―It
wasn‘t fair to the other kids. I wasn‘t allowed to talk about it.‖ (10) In all these ways, the

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presence of the targeted parent was minimized and their place in the hearts and minds of
the children was diminished.
Through these five strategies, the alienating parents elevated themselves into an esteemed
place in their children‘s eyes and cultivated in their children a profound dependency on their
approval and acceptance. The third characteristic of cults – the ways in which this
dependency benefits the leader and harms the members – is explored next.
Cults Further the Aims of the Leader at the Expense of the Needs of its Members as
Well as Others
The third feature of cults is that they operate for the benefit of the leader and at the
expense of its members. While they claim to exist for the benefit of the members --who are
in need of the wisdom and guidance of the leader --the reality is just the opposite: The
leader benefits from the experience much more than the members. The benefits of cults to
their leaders are both financial and psychological. Leaders of cults have unlimited access to
the money and assets accumulated and often spend disproportionately on themselves,
justifying such expenses as the minimum compensation for all their sacrifice and hard work
on behalf of the members (Singer, 1996). The psychological rewards of cult leadership are
also plentiful. Leaders become all-powerful, all-knowing, worshipped individuals who can
exercise control and authority at their whim.
Similarly, the alienating parents seemed to benefit from the lofty place they held in their
children‘s lives and from the elimination of the targeted parent. First, they appeared to have
benefited by not having to share parenting time, by avoiding the complications of
coordinating schedules, and by not having to deal with the cooperation and compromise
entailed in sharing a child with someone they no longer lived with or loved. As Johnston
(1994) has noted, concerns about the other parent‘s ability to care for the children is
pervasive in high conflict divorces. For the most part the alienating parents described in this
study had the opportunity to raise their child as they pleased without the interference of
another parent. Because many remarried, they did not suffer the financial and emotional
difficulties of single-parenthood (e.g., Teachman &Paasch, 1994). Second, they seemed to
benefit by exacting revenge on a person whom they believed harmed and/or rejected them.
By having the child reject the other parent, the alienating parent likely had the satisfaction
of the last laugh, so to speak. They had the opportunity to reject the parent in a way that
was designed to maximally inflict pain and suffering. And, finally, they seemed to benefit
from the narcissistic satisfaction of being the most important person in their child‘s life.
Through the strategies described above, these parents extended the natural idealization of
their children well into the later teens and for some on into adulthood. By cultivating
dependency on them, these parents delayed or avoided all together the natural separation
and de-idealization of their children. Thus, they warded off the natural feelings of loss and
sadness that typically accompany the process of children individuating and living their own
lives.
As the benefits to the cult leaders are many, so too are the costs to cult members. Much
has been written about the loss of identity, the loss of time with family, and the loss of
dreams that result from extended participation in cults (Langone, 1993 McKibben, Lynn, &
Malinoski, 2002 Singer, 1996 Tobias &Lalich, 1994). The costs of cult participation are
many, both psychological and financial. Many cults require hefty membership fees while
others encourage if not require members to turn over all their assets and belongings to the
leader or produce economic dependency on the cult. In addition to the financial costs
associated with cult membership, former members describe the emotional harm done to
them as the worst part of the experience (Singer, 1996). The emotional costs include (1)
diminished self-esteem from excessive dependence (2) guilt from having hurt friends and
family, (3) depression and sadness over time lost with friends and family, and (4) difficulties