5 VOLUME 9 |ISSUE 3 |2018
What Is a Dysfunctional Family?
Family is the fundamental human organization (Madanes, 1982).
A family is the first and most sigficant school we attend on how
to relate to others. When this learning process, which takes
years, is adequate, an individual acquires two abilities. The first
is the ability to establish bonds, to engage in interactions with
others that, given the right circumstances, may develop naturally
into intimate relationships. The second ability is achieving and
maintaining autonomy. Like most animals, human beings are
utterly dependent when they are born. The process of achieving
autonomy is long and complex, and can go awry in many ways.
What is central is that these two abilities, to establish bonds
and to achieve autonomy, are complementary neither can be
reached independently of the other since each is the guarantee
of the other (Bowlby, 1999). For the purposes of this paper, a
dysfunctional family is one that doesn’t teach its members (or
facilitate their learning of) how to relate to others, both inside
and outside the family so that members can form bonds and
achieve autonomy in their relationships with other people.
The Relationship Between Dysfunctional Families
and Cults
Two broad areas of relationship to consider in making a
comparison between dysfunctional families and cults are distrust
and dependence:
Distrust. An essential characteristic I have observed in my clients
who come from dysfunctional families is a lack of trust. By trust,
I mean here a reasonably well-founded belief in the reliability,
good sense, or good will of another individual, as opposed to
blind or coerced belief such as may be found in extreme religious
or authoritarian systems or relationships. According to Erickson
(1950), trust is a basic interpersonal emotion necessary for
healthy relationships. Trust in oneself and trust in others usually
develop at the same time, with the growth of one encouraging
the growth of the other. A deficiency of one also encourages a
deficiency of the other.
When trust is absent or deficient, relationships will be based
instead on subtle or intense forms of control, which clears the
way to abusive relationships. Within the family, the abuse may be
between partners, between parents and children, or among any
combination of family or extended family members. The harm to
these family members that results may last for years, even if they
have departed from their family home.
Both dysfunctional families and cults exhibit perversions of
trust—that is, there may be deference or obedience between
members, but neither is based on a well-founded belief in
the good sense or good will of the other individual. Rather,
members have been persuaded that the person in charge, or
the controller, is more knowing or deserving or powerful they
also have learned that the consequences of disobedience to that
individual may be harmful to them.
Dependence. A dysfunctional family makes its members weaker
in many of the same ways that a cult makes its members weaker:
In both contexts, members’ autonomy, critical thinking, identity,
and dignity are suppressed or distorted to serve the needs of
those in control (Langone, 1992).
Both dysfunctional families and cults make their members more
dependent upon their family or cult, and consequently weaker.
Even if members of a dysfunctional family become estranged,
there is often a psychological dependence rather than a healthy
integration with people outside the coercive environment of
which they were part. Similarly, members of a cultic group
are dependent on their leader in a way that depletes rather
than enhances their own strength and often this tendency to
unhealthy dependence on another continues even if the persons
are able to leave the group.
Some Fundamental Traits of Dysfunctional Families
and How They Resemble Cults
One can understand how a family becomes dysfunctional by
examining three features that are central to family systems
theory and therapy (Minuchin &Fishman, 1981 Satir, 1976):
boundaries, rules, and roles. I have observed that, in each
of these areas, a family’s dysfunction is often similar to the
dysfunction of a cultic group.
Boundaries
Boundaries within the family. It may be said that the best
relationships are made of three elements: each person
separately, plus the shared space of both (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Representation of a dyadic relationship in which each
individual has both personal space and shared space with the
other person.
This dynamic includes space exclusively for each member of
the relationship in which the other member has no presence (I
refer here primarily to a dyadic relationship, though the same
principle holds for relationships of any number). Some people,
though, may feel very uncomfortable with their partner having
this personal space. They take it to mean that the partner
doesn’t love them enough otherwise, the partner wouldn’t
keep a separate space in which they are not present. Therefore,
they may try to suppress this space. But this personal space is
important, and boundaries are key. Will the partner protect his
space from being invaded, or will he submit?

6 ICSA TODAY
In therapy, I hear complaints by individuals who say their partner
wants to understand everything about them. The one who wants
to understand everything about the other thinks this is love, but
it may also be a subtle form of control. Sometimes one spouse
conveys that the other spouse who keeps a separate space
is selfish, or a man suggests that if his lover doesn’t disclose
everything, it means the lover has something to hide. The
person who keeps this healthy space of intimacy may feel guilty
or selfish doing it, and so may give it up altogether. In these
relationships, we say that there are no boundaries between the
members (see Figure 2). And when a couple without healthy
boundaries has children, they may treat their children the
same way, expecting the children to be almost extensions of
themselves.
Figure 2. Representation of a relationship without boundaries.
I should point out here that, when I speak about boundaries, I
refer to far more than sharing information. There is a saying that
when parents feel the chill of the breeze, they will command
their child to put his coat on. Some parents go a step further
and command their child to put a coat on when they see other
parents do so with their children. These may seem like innocuous
statements however, they really are about the degree to which
individuals may in fact dehumanize another human being by
viewing him wholly from the perspective of their own needs.
When a parent isn’t able to differentiate between her needs
and the needs of her child, she is quite plainly violating the
boundaries that her offspring needs in order to grow. In addition
to being deprived of his own space, the child isn’t allowed to
make his own decisions. While one factor underlying such a
lack of boundaries is a lack of trust in a child’s ability to make
appropriate decisions, another factor often is a lack of trust
by the parent in herself. As a consequence, as a psychoanalyst
would say, she will project that insecurity onto her child.
In families in which members trust themselves and each other,
the members are able to differentiate between their own needs
and the needs of others, which allows healthy boundaries to
develop. In these families, privacy is permitted without being
regarded as a threat. When this process of building boundaries
is thwarted, members of the family may either become overly
dependent on others’ opinions to make decisions, or they may
ignore the advice or opinions of others when that input might be
necessary or helpful.
Michael Langone (2016) has presented the concept of loving
distance, which he has explained is fundamental to respectful
relationships. Loving distance I believe is anther way of
describing healthy boundaries. In a family without this loving
distance, there will be what in family systems theory is called
enmeshed relationships (Minuchin &Fishman, 1981). Enmeshed
relationships are characteristic of dysfunctional families.
Enmeshed relationships have the tendency to be coercive or
abusive because they are based upon the shared assumption
between the two members of the relationship that one of them
is not good enough to make his own decisions. A parent, for
example, who too closely monitors and checks the homework
of a child may implicitly communicate that the parent thinks the
child can’t measure up on his own.
Boundaries within the cult. The lack of appropriate
boundaries that is characteristic of dysfunctional families is
also a characteristic of cults. Similarly, enmeshed relationships
are characteristic of cults. As in a family that assumes only the
parents are qualified to make decisions about their child, a
cult leader who insists that followers obey a myriad of minor
rules throughout the day may implicitly communicate that
the followers cannot measure up spiritually without him. The
unspoken assumption is that “Without me, you are nothing.”
People who have been involved in cultic groups, especially those
born or raised in them, often find the very concept of boundaries
difficult to grasp. They are so accustomed to another person
invading and controlling their emotional and psychological lives
that they may find themselves literally unable to make decisions
about even the smallest details of daily life, such as what to eat,
when to sleep, how to dress, or what to say to others in social
situations.
Boundaries between the family and the outer world. Families
who do not grant privacy to each other by means of healthy
boundaries (loving distance) also tend not to trust what is
outside their family so they also are often more closed toward
the outer world. In such families, all needs must be fulfilled
within the family.
Family members may view other families and people as
threatening or dangerous, and therefore the family limits outside
contacts. Thus, a child who has been invited to spend the night
at a schoolmate’s home may be discouraged from doing that, or
may be allowed only reluctantly and after being presented with
a long string of precautions.
Or parents may view other families as useless or boring.
Consequently, the children in these families will tend to see the
world outside as threatening or uninteresting and so remain,
whenever possible, within the walls of their family. These
families will remain isolated from other families, and therefore
will hamper their members’ chances to integrate in other
environments.