20 ICSA TODAY
Part 1:
The Role of Intention (by Lorna Goldberg)
After leaving the cultic group into which you were born or
raised, you may have profound anger, resentment, sadness,
and confusion about the people who hurt you, and about the
people who allowed you to be hurt. How can you cope most
effectively with what you feel today?
Some parents have left the group and realize how much harm
they caused you some parents leave but cannot acknowledge
they harmed you some remain in the group. What, if anything,
do you owe your parents after you leave the group?
Whether or not your parents are still in the cult, whether or
not they recognize that they hurt you, whether or not they
apologize, ultimately it will be your decision to figure out how
you intend to deal with the hurt and anger about how you
were mistreated for so many years of your life. What do you owe
yourself?
The cult’s belief in perfection is unreal people are not black
or white, even the people who hurt you. If one’s view of the
world includes only absoluteness rather than toleration
for ambiguities, complexities, and human frailties, that is
problematic. No one answer is right for everyone, and there may
be more than one answer for each of you. You might respond
differently based upon the combination of your own, individual
personality and your particular experience.
What Was Your Parents’ Intention?
It is important to ask yourself the following questions about
your parents’ intention in involving you in the cultic situation:
• What was the intention of my parents in bringing me
into a cultic environment? Did they enter the group as
a way of escaping from the difficulties of their precult
lives? Did they enter the group with altruistic motives
or the desire for a spiritual life? Were they enduring
a crisis in their lives, or was it a time of crisis in the
world?
• Did the cult leader exploit my parents’ naiveté?
• Did my parents use practices in the cult to justify
attitudes they already had? Or did they have difficulty
dealing with the fact that I was being neglected or
abused? Were they dissociated themselves—that
is, enthralled by the cult leader and out of touch
with reality? Or did they throw me under the bus or
callously accept my pain in order to curry favor with
the cult leader?
Knowing the truth of your own story is central to your well-
being. It also is important to attempt to understand the truth of
your parents’ story.
If you consider both intention and the limited abilities of all
human beings, you might begin to change the unrealistic
desire for perfection in human relationships and become more
tolerant of others and yourself, including your parents when
possible, for not fulfilling all that you might have hoped.
In understanding intention, you are gaining a better sense of
the realistic limits of all human beings, including yourself. Doing
this means letting go of the idea that you can or should demand
perfection, no matter what the cost.
Understanding intention also gives you the perspective to
give up the idea of being defined by those who violate your
boundaries (such as might occur with narcissistic and/or highly
dependent and demanding parents). Understanding their
exploitive intentions will help you to feel less obligated to
please them. If you can stop allowing yourself to be defined
by others, you can begin to act in your own self-interest and
establish firmer boundaries.
You have a right to feel angry because of your correct belief
that your parents failed you and you were cheated out of the
possibility of a healthy childhood. However, sadly, you never can
change your past.
Sometimes you may feel angry with your parents but not
with the cult leader because it may be less frightening to
confront a parent than the powerful leader. Even after leaving
the cult, many former members continue to believe (perhaps
unconsciously) that the cult leader has extraordinary powers,
and they fear that to feel angry with the leader will lead to
punishment in this world or in the next. Also, a failure to be
angry with the leader might be an extension of the destructive
dynamic from the cult—that is, always keeping anger and blame
away from the leader and displacing it onto others.
Although cult leaders rarely apologize, parents who have left
the cult sometimes will apologize for their treatment of their
children. Some of you might hold on to intense anger beyond
what seems reasonable, even after those who have hurt you
have apologized. Of course, it is necessary to receive a heartfelt
apology that shows remorse rather than one that is glib and
unfeeling. A heartfelt acknowledgement by the person who
has harmed you can be an important step toward your recovery
from trauma. Receiving an apology validates the fact that the
hurt you experienced really did happen. Apologies by those
who caused you harm allow you to take charge in deciding
whether or not you wish to forgive.
It might be important to understand all that is gained by
continuing to hold onto the intensity of anger you might feel
over time:
• Do I need to hold onto intense anger to protect
myself from mourning the loss of a childhood or a
relationship with my parents that wasn’t controlled by
a cult leader? Experiencing anger can be less painful
than experiencing sadness.
• Is it important to hold onto anger as a way of
protecting myself against getting close to or
becoming controlled by others in the present?
After the cult, your sense of identity in a new world can be
fragile, and anger and suspicion might serve to protect you
against becoming overly influenced by others. Anger might
protect you from being disappointed, hurt, or having to face the
possibility of the pain of loss in a new relationship. Relationships
Part 1:
The Role of Intention (by Lorna Goldberg)
After leaving the cultic group into which you were born or
raised, you may have profound anger, resentment, sadness,
and confusion about the people who hurt you, and about the
people who allowed you to be hurt. How can you cope most
effectively with what you feel today?
Some parents have left the group and realize how much harm
they caused you some parents leave but cannot acknowledge
they harmed you some remain in the group. What, if anything,
do you owe your parents after you leave the group?
Whether or not your parents are still in the cult, whether or
not they recognize that they hurt you, whether or not they
apologize, ultimately it will be your decision to figure out how
you intend to deal with the hurt and anger about how you
were mistreated for so many years of your life. What do you owe
yourself?
The cult’s belief in perfection is unreal people are not black
or white, even the people who hurt you. If one’s view of the
world includes only absoluteness rather than toleration
for ambiguities, complexities, and human frailties, that is
problematic. No one answer is right for everyone, and there may
be more than one answer for each of you. You might respond
differently based upon the combination of your own, individual
personality and your particular experience.
What Was Your Parents’ Intention?
It is important to ask yourself the following questions about
your parents’ intention in involving you in the cultic situation:
• What was the intention of my parents in bringing me
into a cultic environment? Did they enter the group as
a way of escaping from the difficulties of their precult
lives? Did they enter the group with altruistic motives
or the desire for a spiritual life? Were they enduring
a crisis in their lives, or was it a time of crisis in the
world?
• Did the cult leader exploit my parents’ naiveté?
• Did my parents use practices in the cult to justify
attitudes they already had? Or did they have difficulty
dealing with the fact that I was being neglected or
abused? Were they dissociated themselves—that
is, enthralled by the cult leader and out of touch
with reality? Or did they throw me under the bus or
callously accept my pain in order to curry favor with
the cult leader?
Knowing the truth of your own story is central to your well-
being. It also is important to attempt to understand the truth of
your parents’ story.
If you consider both intention and the limited abilities of all
human beings, you might begin to change the unrealistic
desire for perfection in human relationships and become more
tolerant of others and yourself, including your parents when
possible, for not fulfilling all that you might have hoped.
In understanding intention, you are gaining a better sense of
the realistic limits of all human beings, including yourself. Doing
this means letting go of the idea that you can or should demand
perfection, no matter what the cost.
Understanding intention also gives you the perspective to
give up the idea of being defined by those who violate your
boundaries (such as might occur with narcissistic and/or highly
dependent and demanding parents). Understanding their
exploitive intentions will help you to feel less obligated to
please them. If you can stop allowing yourself to be defined
by others, you can begin to act in your own self-interest and
establish firmer boundaries.
You have a right to feel angry because of your correct belief
that your parents failed you and you were cheated out of the
possibility of a healthy childhood. However, sadly, you never can
change your past.
Sometimes you may feel angry with your parents but not
with the cult leader because it may be less frightening to
confront a parent than the powerful leader. Even after leaving
the cult, many former members continue to believe (perhaps
unconsciously) that the cult leader has extraordinary powers,
and they fear that to feel angry with the leader will lead to
punishment in this world or in the next. Also, a failure to be
angry with the leader might be an extension of the destructive
dynamic from the cult—that is, always keeping anger and blame
away from the leader and displacing it onto others.
Although cult leaders rarely apologize, parents who have left
the cult sometimes will apologize for their treatment of their
children. Some of you might hold on to intense anger beyond
what seems reasonable, even after those who have hurt you
have apologized. Of course, it is necessary to receive a heartfelt
apology that shows remorse rather than one that is glib and
unfeeling. A heartfelt acknowledgement by the person who
has harmed you can be an important step toward your recovery
from trauma. Receiving an apology validates the fact that the
hurt you experienced really did happen. Apologies by those
who caused you harm allow you to take charge in deciding
whether or not you wish to forgive.
It might be important to understand all that is gained by
continuing to hold onto the intensity of anger you might feel
over time:
• Do I need to hold onto intense anger to protect
myself from mourning the loss of a childhood or a
relationship with my parents that wasn’t controlled by
a cult leader? Experiencing anger can be less painful
than experiencing sadness.
• Is it important to hold onto anger as a way of
protecting myself against getting close to or
becoming controlled by others in the present?
After the cult, your sense of identity in a new world can be
fragile, and anger and suspicion might serve to protect you
against becoming overly influenced by others. Anger might
protect you from being disappointed, hurt, or having to face the
possibility of the pain of loss in a new relationship. Relationships
