21 VOLUME 9 |ISSUE 3 |2018
are risky. However, ultimately, if you are unable to let go of
intense anger, you may be prevented from establishing a loving
relationship and enjoying your life.
• Might I be holding onto my anger because (consciously
or unconsciously) I believe that letting go of my rage
would mean that I am forgiving others for their harm to
me?
• Letting go of intense anger does not mean that you
are not remembering abuse or neglect. You always
will remember but if you can, try to find ways to move
away from the intensity of your emotions to improve
the quality of your life today, for your own good.
Your parents failed in many ways: They might have failed to
protect you from being harmed by cult abuse or neglect. They
might have failed to respond with encouragement and pride
when you displayed emerging personal abilities, or to show
empathy when you needed help. They might have stood as
bystanders disconnected from you and under the leader’s spell
when you needed more from them. You may feel they did not
want to see your pain.
Some parents did not have adequate parenting themselves,
which might have contributed to their difficulty in knowing how
to adequately parent you. This knowledge is not necessarily a
reason to excuse your parents, but it might provide a context for
understanding them.
• How conflicted were my parents when they submitted
to the demands of the cult leader? And what do my
parents feel now? Are they distraught and heartbroken
now about how I was treated in the cult? Or do they
continue to hold onto the belief that my cult treatment
was for my own good? Are they such true believers that
they are unable and unwilling to see how they harmed
me?
Your responses to these questions can make a difference in your
ability to process and determine how you will deal with your
parents. Some parents may be so overwhelmed with guilt that it
is too painful for them to acknowledge and face the enormity of
the harm they inflicted upon their children. This is not a reason
to excuse them, but again it might help you better understand
them.
You Can Change Only Yourself, in the Present
You have a right to feel angry and saddened. Your past has
affected you, and you might feel continued hurt, resentment,
and a desire for restitution. It is human to have those feelings.
It also is human and sometimes even helpful to have a desire
for revenge. Wanting revenge allows you to turn the tables, and
this response may help you to feel less as if you are a passive
victim. Revenge can give you a sense of mastery and enhanced
self-esteem. Allowing yourself to feel and fantasize a wish for
revenge on your cult leader or those who abused you may be a
positive step, particularly if you could not allow yourselves to feel
anger in the cult.
Unfortunately, some individuals cannot even enjoy fantasizing
about revenge. They might continue to blame themselves rather
than the true culprits. However, to blame and want revenge
might be a step in the direction of healing. Those who have been
exploited by others might be prone to forgive attacks and hurts
too easily. They do not permit themselves to register anger at
their victimizers instead, they tend to minimize or deny their
anger altogether and are inclined to turn the other cheek. They
are too ready to try to forgive and forget. I believe that true
healing must involve coming to terms with the depth of one’s
feelings about the extent of the other person’s offense. At the
same time, there are crimes so horrible that forgiveness may not
be possible.
Further questions that are important to ask yourself include
these:
• Can I have all these feelings along with an acceptance
that I can change only myself in the present?
• Can I free myself from continual rumination and allow
myself eventually to move on for my own sake?
• What do I owe myself?
• When is “long enough,” and when is the time to move
away for the good of my present life?
In cases in which suffering has been great, there have been few
(if any) positive experiences, and you must avoid further contact
with those from the past to avoid further harm to yourself, the
most realistic result you can achieve might be to make sure you
are in a safe place to live your own life. You can then work to
understand that continued intense rage and resentment might
prevent you from moving on.
• Am I spending too much time focused upon anger
toward those from the past, without resolution?
This hating can become self-punishing and self-destructive if it
consumes you and interferes with experiencing pleasure in your
present life. Continual rage can indicate that your cult still has a
hold on you and you are too attached to the leader and/or your
parents. This lack of resolution and ongoing attachment can
interfere with your ability to love yourself or others in the present.
You cannot change your
past. But by increasing
your understanding of that
past … you might, in time,
be able to change the way
you live your life today.
are risky. However, ultimately, if you are unable to let go of
intense anger, you may be prevented from establishing a loving
relationship and enjoying your life.
• Might I be holding onto my anger because (consciously
or unconsciously) I believe that letting go of my rage
would mean that I am forgiving others for their harm to
me?
• Letting go of intense anger does not mean that you
are not remembering abuse or neglect. You always
will remember but if you can, try to find ways to move
away from the intensity of your emotions to improve
the quality of your life today, for your own good.
Your parents failed in many ways: They might have failed to
protect you from being harmed by cult abuse or neglect. They
might have failed to respond with encouragement and pride
when you displayed emerging personal abilities, or to show
empathy when you needed help. They might have stood as
bystanders disconnected from you and under the leader’s spell
when you needed more from them. You may feel they did not
want to see your pain.
Some parents did not have adequate parenting themselves,
which might have contributed to their difficulty in knowing how
to adequately parent you. This knowledge is not necessarily a
reason to excuse your parents, but it might provide a context for
understanding them.
• How conflicted were my parents when they submitted
to the demands of the cult leader? And what do my
parents feel now? Are they distraught and heartbroken
now about how I was treated in the cult? Or do they
continue to hold onto the belief that my cult treatment
was for my own good? Are they such true believers that
they are unable and unwilling to see how they harmed
me?
Your responses to these questions can make a difference in your
ability to process and determine how you will deal with your
parents. Some parents may be so overwhelmed with guilt that it
is too painful for them to acknowledge and face the enormity of
the harm they inflicted upon their children. This is not a reason
to excuse them, but again it might help you better understand
them.
You Can Change Only Yourself, in the Present
You have a right to feel angry and saddened. Your past has
affected you, and you might feel continued hurt, resentment,
and a desire for restitution. It is human to have those feelings.
It also is human and sometimes even helpful to have a desire
for revenge. Wanting revenge allows you to turn the tables, and
this response may help you to feel less as if you are a passive
victim. Revenge can give you a sense of mastery and enhanced
self-esteem. Allowing yourself to feel and fantasize a wish for
revenge on your cult leader or those who abused you may be a
positive step, particularly if you could not allow yourselves to feel
anger in the cult.
Unfortunately, some individuals cannot even enjoy fantasizing
about revenge. They might continue to blame themselves rather
than the true culprits. However, to blame and want revenge
might be a step in the direction of healing. Those who have been
exploited by others might be prone to forgive attacks and hurts
too easily. They do not permit themselves to register anger at
their victimizers instead, they tend to minimize or deny their
anger altogether and are inclined to turn the other cheek. They
are too ready to try to forgive and forget. I believe that true
healing must involve coming to terms with the depth of one’s
feelings about the extent of the other person’s offense. At the
same time, there are crimes so horrible that forgiveness may not
be possible.
Further questions that are important to ask yourself include
these:
• Can I have all these feelings along with an acceptance
that I can change only myself in the present?
• Can I free myself from continual rumination and allow
myself eventually to move on for my own sake?
• What do I owe myself?
• When is “long enough,” and when is the time to move
away for the good of my present life?
In cases in which suffering has been great, there have been few
(if any) positive experiences, and you must avoid further contact
with those from the past to avoid further harm to yourself, the
most realistic result you can achieve might be to make sure you
are in a safe place to live your own life. You can then work to
understand that continued intense rage and resentment might
prevent you from moving on.
• Am I spending too much time focused upon anger
toward those from the past, without resolution?
This hating can become self-punishing and self-destructive if it
consumes you and interferes with experiencing pleasure in your
present life. Continual rage can indicate that your cult still has a
hold on you and you are too attached to the leader and/or your
parents. This lack of resolution and ongoing attachment can
interfere with your ability to love yourself or others in the present.
You cannot change your
past. But by increasing
your understanding of that
past … you might, in time,
be able to change the way
you live your life today.
