15 VOLUME 10 |ISSUE 1 |2019
others. When we see others and ourselves in a more balanced
manner, we can acknowledge the flaws without losing sight of
the strengths.
How do we move from a reactive and defensive response
that incorporates the black-and-white expectation that either
we will be treated badly by a powerful other or we will be
speaking with an idiot or an arrogant jerk? How do we handle
powerful emotions, such as dread or anger, that might have
originated in our early life or in the cult, or both, and replace
these emotions with a response of thoughtful curiosity?
Benjamin has suggested that, when we encounter people
with different and even opposing views from ours, we need to
move from our defensive and, at times, paranoid, all-knowing
position to one of uncertainty that accepts our vulnerability
and, therefore, holds out the possibility that we might be
mistaken (Benjamin, 2004, p. 32). Doing this will allow us to
negotiate our differences and connect.
In other words, if we pause, take a breath, and give ourselves
the time to consider that we might be having a transference
expectation (such as in a readiness to see ourselves as
victims), we can begin to see alternative ways of looking at a
situation. This recognition might allow us to feel less avoidant
or hopeless about a potential interaction.
We can view self-reflection as a process that provides us with
the mental space for thinking things through. I can use my
own self-reflection and internal conversation as a stepping
stone to figure out how I can best see the situation more
realistically, to converse with others with curiosity without
being defensive. After years of personal therapy, I sometimes
can take this step. However, I often slip and stay immersed in
emotion.
I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this
issue. This step into thinking might be particularly difficult for
those who have been involved in past relationships in which
asserting a contradictory viewpoint was dangerous and could
lead to punishment or shaming. Whether it was through a
tyrannical parent, a manipulative partner, or a narcissistic
cult leader, many people have learned that the only way to
survive was through dissociation or other forms of defense
against prohibited thoughts. Such an experience might make
it difficult for those individuals to gain conscious awareness
of transference expectations of punishment or shame. It can
be hard for all of us to move from a world in which only one
person can be right into a world of ambiguity in which there
can be a myriad of “rights.”
Even if attempting to understand those who are different
from us can be risky, I believe that when we make the effort,
we have the possibility of expanding our sense of reality. In
many circumstances, we can gain from showing flexibility
of thinking and empathy we don’t have to fear subjugating
our identity to others (self-reflective surrender is not the
same as subjugation) or becoming stuck in their viewpoint.
Rigidly held views undermine the possibility for a richer
understanding of the world.
We’re Family and Group Oriented
The desire to be part of a group has aided the survival of and
has been adaptive for both different species and the human
race. The danger is that we are apt to experience positive
feelings about the groups to which we belong and less
positive feelings about those groups to which we don’t. We
tend to see our own groups as superior to others. To cement
loyalty to the cult, its leaders prey upon these emotions.
Our sense of vulnerability can cause us to identify more
powerfully with our own group. When there is trouble
between groups, we tend to retreat to our own group to
feel safe. While entrenched in our groups, we might be more
apt to see members of other groups in stereotypical ways
instead of seeing them as individuals. Stereotyping works in
a way similar to transference: We react to someone based on
expectations we have developed in the past.
In marital therapy, when one partner in a relationship lacks
understanding of the other, sometimes it is important
to identify how diverse cultures might be influencing
the behavior and meanings of each partner’s experiences. This
process will increase the couple’s awareness of some of the
roadblocks in their interaction. Depathologizing behaviors
by seeing their connection to past experiences can reduce
shame in one partner while increasing understanding in
the other. It is vital in this process to avoid applying cultural
stereotypes to either partner. For instance, even when one
partner is behaving in ways that might be considered typical
of his culture, it is important to understand the particular ways
in which he has internalized certain aspects of the culture, and
how this internalization is influencing his behavior and his
experience of others.
The Directors’ dialogue message of 2015 addresses the human
tendency to stereotype as a hindrance to listening to a person
with a divergent viewpoint:
Stereotyping can provide a short-term comfort, for
it requires less thought than analyses that recognize
the complex dynamics of cultic phenomena. But
How do we handle powerful
emotions, such as dread
or anger, that might have
originated in our early life
or in the cult, or both, and
replace these emotions with
a response of thoughtful
curiosity?
others. When we see others and ourselves in a more balanced
manner, we can acknowledge the flaws without losing sight of
the strengths.
How do we move from a reactive and defensive response
that incorporates the black-and-white expectation that either
we will be treated badly by a powerful other or we will be
speaking with an idiot or an arrogant jerk? How do we handle
powerful emotions, such as dread or anger, that might have
originated in our early life or in the cult, or both, and replace
these emotions with a response of thoughtful curiosity?
Benjamin has suggested that, when we encounter people
with different and even opposing views from ours, we need to
move from our defensive and, at times, paranoid, all-knowing
position to one of uncertainty that accepts our vulnerability
and, therefore, holds out the possibility that we might be
mistaken (Benjamin, 2004, p. 32). Doing this will allow us to
negotiate our differences and connect.
In other words, if we pause, take a breath, and give ourselves
the time to consider that we might be having a transference
expectation (such as in a readiness to see ourselves as
victims), we can begin to see alternative ways of looking at a
situation. This recognition might allow us to feel less avoidant
or hopeless about a potential interaction.
We can view self-reflection as a process that provides us with
the mental space for thinking things through. I can use my
own self-reflection and internal conversation as a stepping
stone to figure out how I can best see the situation more
realistically, to converse with others with curiosity without
being defensive. After years of personal therapy, I sometimes
can take this step. However, I often slip and stay immersed in
emotion.
I know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this
issue. This step into thinking might be particularly difficult for
those who have been involved in past relationships in which
asserting a contradictory viewpoint was dangerous and could
lead to punishment or shaming. Whether it was through a
tyrannical parent, a manipulative partner, or a narcissistic
cult leader, many people have learned that the only way to
survive was through dissociation or other forms of defense
against prohibited thoughts. Such an experience might make
it difficult for those individuals to gain conscious awareness
of transference expectations of punishment or shame. It can
be hard for all of us to move from a world in which only one
person can be right into a world of ambiguity in which there
can be a myriad of “rights.”
Even if attempting to understand those who are different
from us can be risky, I believe that when we make the effort,
we have the possibility of expanding our sense of reality. In
many circumstances, we can gain from showing flexibility
of thinking and empathy we don’t have to fear subjugating
our identity to others (self-reflective surrender is not the
same as subjugation) or becoming stuck in their viewpoint.
Rigidly held views undermine the possibility for a richer
understanding of the world.
We’re Family and Group Oriented
The desire to be part of a group has aided the survival of and
has been adaptive for both different species and the human
race. The danger is that we are apt to experience positive
feelings about the groups to which we belong and less
positive feelings about those groups to which we don’t. We
tend to see our own groups as superior to others. To cement
loyalty to the cult, its leaders prey upon these emotions.
Our sense of vulnerability can cause us to identify more
powerfully with our own group. When there is trouble
between groups, we tend to retreat to our own group to
feel safe. While entrenched in our groups, we might be more
apt to see members of other groups in stereotypical ways
instead of seeing them as individuals. Stereotyping works in
a way similar to transference: We react to someone based on
expectations we have developed in the past.
In marital therapy, when one partner in a relationship lacks
understanding of the other, sometimes it is important
to identify how diverse cultures might be influencing
the behavior and meanings of each partner’s experiences. This
process will increase the couple’s awareness of some of the
roadblocks in their interaction. Depathologizing behaviors
by seeing their connection to past experiences can reduce
shame in one partner while increasing understanding in
the other. It is vital in this process to avoid applying cultural
stereotypes to either partner. For instance, even when one
partner is behaving in ways that might be considered typical
of his culture, it is important to understand the particular ways
in which he has internalized certain aspects of the culture, and
how this internalization is influencing his behavior and his
experience of others.
The Directors’ dialogue message of 2015 addresses the human
tendency to stereotype as a hindrance to listening to a person
with a divergent viewpoint:
Stereotyping can provide a short-term comfort, for
it requires less thought than analyses that recognize
the complex dynamics of cultic phenomena. But
How do we handle powerful
emotions, such as dread
or anger, that might have
originated in our early life
or in the cult, or both, and
replace these emotions with
a response of thoughtful
curiosity?
